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yeah my sleep is fucked up

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Ok so first of all I have this habbit of staying up all night and sleeping all day.  But if I don't take my Geodon (I know, t'is bad to skip it), I can stay up all night and wake up at a decent hour. 

I stay up all night because I feel this is when I am at my best.  If I woke up in the morning, I would have nothing to do, no one to talk to, and no where to go because I cannot drive.  My parents or brother have to drive me wherever.  Having people not home sometimes scares me, recently having lots of panic attacks makes it even worse.  Even if they are asleep while I am awake I feel better because I know I can always wake them up if I go batshit.

This of course annoys my parents very much.  But why should it?  They're not home to be with me, they're at working making the money that supports us. 

My doctor is always telling me to take my meds early so I will go to sleep, but I also have a fear of sleep.  I am not really sure if it's a 'fear' but it's like, if I go to sleep, I have really weird dreams and can't do anything but sleep.  I would rather be up all day and all night than sleep at all.  I do NOT like taking sleeping medication because after the Seroquel incident, I learned that they REALLY REALLY knock me out.  That medication literally made me sleep the whole fucking day.  The same with Geodon.  I set my alarm to get up at 1pm so I can watch soap operas, but I of course ignore that, turn it off and just go on sleeping.  So I guess the hardest part is not getting to sleep but actually getting out of bed, and doing whatever.  Sometimes I feel like I can't even move, I'm just THAT sedated.

I have sleep apnea.  I have a BiPAP (cause I desat at night) and it helps me sleep but it's not really what I'd call helping me get to sleep/wake up.  It just helps me breathe.

Right now I'm staying up all night (till the sun literally comes up) and just farting around doing random things, talking to people in Austraila or whatever.  I don't really want to change my sleep schedule.  I am afraid to change it.  I am too used to it.  I am afraid to sleep.  Ever since going on the Geodon (which I love minus the heat warning and these really vivid dreams, plus it makes me eat less which is win) I've just......becomed frightened of sleeping.  I have told my pdoc this.  I need to speak to my tdoc about it but I was so down and sedated on Tuesday that I talked to my mom and told her to cancel it.  I really hate that I did that because I really needed to see her.

What should I do?  I am happy with the things as they are, but I keep hearing, 'you'll be so much better if you sleep during the night like everyone else'!  My mother also always brings up 'Well I didn't sleep all day' when I say I'm tired, but I have FUCKING SLEEP APNEA, I never get a freakin good night's sleep.  She has it too, she should understand.  I don't mean to bitch but I just don't know what to do.

If I plan my sleep schedule right, I can get up at asigned times for outings and such.  But I don't do that all the time.  I just can't.  I love the night, I love the darkness, I even refuse to use my overhead lamp because it hurts my eyes.  I use a four bulbed lamp that currently only has two light bulbs in it that I use, so my room is very dark during the night time.  It's not like I'm not in a night setting.  Bright lights give me a headache.

I really really hope this fucking neurologist appointment hurries up and gets here.  I don't wanna wait until fucking January.

Meds and DX are in the sig.  The clon does not sedate me, btw

Edited to add:  I also have Lukas (my muse, or 'voice in my head') to talk to at night, since he is a vampire and is almost never around when the sun's up.  All my muses comfort me and I look up to them as they have kept me alive all these years, constantly telling me it will be alright and if I kill myself I will only hurt others.  Right now he is telling me that he likes being able to be with me at night, and doesn't want me to change.  But I guess that's up to whoever.

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So I slept from 4-5pm to 12am tonight without my Geodon, because that would just make me sleep longer (again, I know it is bad to skip meds but whatever I do my own thing) and had terrible dreams, and something REALLY knocked me out.  I woke up with a splitting headache.  Usually when I don't take my Geodon I wake up like every few hours tossing and turning, but it must be the Clon because I had missed calls on my cell phone which is RIGHT by my bed.  I have no recolection of that.

I also had horrible nightmares, I was in a deserted house that was very dark, and I went by two rooms with the doors open and saw shadowy figures and did a double take, and there were people there.....WITH NO HEADS.  I swear, I realised this dream was not the lucid type where I could just wake up and it would be over so I screamed twice in my sleep hoping I would IRL and someone would wake me, but I guess not.

I also had another dream where I was somehow kidnapped and taken to this futuristic sort of world where people weren't exactly right.  I was sort of out numbered being a female I guess and was expected to perform sexual favors which thank Neven never happened in my dream, but I found myself somehow on this quest to find some sort of mechanical instrument for this Lord and got lost many times, finally found the place, then remembered I had lost his pocket book with all the money I was to use to pay for it with.  I had to run back through many labryinths, found out the bin that it was in had been stowed away to be thrown out, some lady helped me go find it and we finally found it, thank Neven, and I returned, through many dark alleys and airport/hospital like settings towards the place where I was to buy this thing.  But then I think I woke up.

Dear Lukas, I hate sleep.

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what about a more traditonal sleep me. Serequil isn't really a sleep med, its an AP vith very sedating side effect. What about trying a Lunesta or Ambien, a med that well be out of your system by the next morning. 

Talk to your p-doc about this and get some tips from him/her on good sleep hygiene. Also, you might ask him if Rozerem (new nonsedating sleep med) is right for you. It is supposed to help your body use more of its own Melatonin, which help regulates your sleep cycle.

As for the sleep shcedule, what about a compromise? try moving your regular "bedtime" forwards or backwards, whichever appropriate, over a period of time.  Example, if normally you sleep from 8AM to 5 PM, next week, sleep from 7 AM to 4 PM, next week 6 am to 3 PM, then 5 am to 2PM, then 4 AM to 1 PM, then 3 AM to noon, etc. until you reach the schedule that you/your parents/ etc. find acceptable/comfortable. Gradually moving it should make it easier to get used to, maybe it won't stir up the muses too much.

Let us know if you make any progress

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