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Darwin Awards: What are your favorite winners/losers?


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Stupidity amuses me, and nothing is more stupid than people removing themselves and others from the genepool, either through death or rendering themselves unable to reproduce. Here are 3 prime examples. I figure this is a good place to have a laugh. After all, even though we're all a bit off in our own way, at least we're way better off than these fools.

 

You can find these 3 and many other cases in which humans have managed to win this most dubious of awards here. http://www.darwinawards.com/ Feelfree to post your favorites!

 

First is an example of a dumbass rendering himself unable to reproduce:

 

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2014-05.html

 

(May 2014, England) In the interest of public safety, Darwin Awards editors are releasing this ribald event to the public to serve as a warning to adventurous amorous males. The event was brought to our attention by an eyewitness, who provided additional details (withheld for privacy reasons) to confirm it.

 

"Being part of emergency services, firemen are called upon to get people out of unlikely situations. We were summoned to the A&E Department of a central London hospital to assist in removing a "thing ring." With our ring cutters at the ready, we were presented with the patient, his 'meat and two veg' extremely swollen and such a dark purple that they were almost blackened. The whole sorry mess was encircled by a thick titanium ring. Normally the procedure to remove a thing ring is a five-minute affair, but our cutters could not make a mark on the titanium! After expending a number of cutter blades we had to concede defeat.

 

"The man in question had put himself into this situation three days prior to committing himself to A&E, delaying the hospital visit due to embarrassment and a vain hope that it would resolve itself in time. Unfortunately this error in judgement cost him dearly. The wonderful doctors can often drain blood and remove the ring the way it went on--yet by the time he sought help, and our tools had been defeated, his jewels was past saving. Full castration--the result of the man's own actions and decisions--make this eunuch a self-selected nominee for a living Darwin Award.

 

 

Now, how about a jackass who offed himself by being an idiot? http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2013-04.html

 

 

(1) A vodka-swilling pill-popping airline customer.
(2) A potted plant made of plastic.
(3) Airport security video showing the former climbing the latter.
The picture is now in focus for what follows.

 

(16 March 2013, Florida) The death of a man who fell down an elevator shaft at Tampa International Airport last year was ruled accidental -- if one considers forcing open the elevator doors, jumping toward the cables, and wrapping your arms and legs around them to slow your descent "an accident." The man lost his grip (friction is a bitch) and fell headfirst down the shaft from the seventh floor, resulting in a quick and painless death: the medical report describes the trauma as "complete dislocation of cervical vertebrae 5 and 6, with spinal cord laceration," meaning he broke his neck.

 

Pill-popping vodka-swilling Chad Wolfe, 31, was resting in peace (or "sleeping it off") when the Estate of Chad Wolfe decided to dig up his grave eighteen months later by filing a lawsuit. Evidently a hanging Chad demands a legal enquiry. According to the Estate of Chad Wolfe, the cause of his death was a malfunctioning elevator and airport authorities as well as the elevator manufacturer should have prevented it.

 

At the time, Chad was behaving like a impatient drunken gorilla. He was physically strong; forcing open elevator doors is no problem for a man who can climb potted plants. He was also high as a kite with the fantastical belief that he could grab the elevator cables in free-fall and slide down to the first floor like a movie hero. Eighteen months later Chad is portrayed as the blameless victim of doors that opened too easily.

 

It is reasonable that elevator doors should open with a determined effort, otherwise people are physically trapped inside elevators when the power fails. It is unreasonable to protect idiots from themselves no matter the extreme. And idiots are made, not born -- the person in question had voluntarily swallowed a mix of decision-impairing substances bringing his BAC to 0.17% with a Xanax chaser. Unfamiliar with Xanax, this writer thumbed through the Urban Dictionary and found Xanax described as one of the more addictive benzos with withdrawal effects including psychosis and epileptic-type seizures.

 

Summary? A DARWIN AWARD is granted to Chad Wolfe, while a STELLA AWARD for legal stupidity is awarded to the Estate of Chad Wolfe.

 

 

Normally, there are not nominations for offing other people, but exceptions can be made for some idiots. http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2014-08.html

 

(17 September 2014, Pakistan) Two correspondents nominated the gullible acolyte who volunteered to be killed and resurrected by a holy man--and not a holy man who was experienced with the procedure, but a beginner who thought he'd give it a whirl!

 

For five years a popular Sufi had been performing miracles for villagers in Mubarakabad. Now he was ready to increase the stakes to a full resurrection. But he was not interested reviving any old corpse--the novice naturally preferred to breathe life back into fresh meat. So the Sufi put Word out to his followers that he wanted to kill and revive a faithful man--a faithful married man--a married man with children! The Sufi seemed to be stacking the deck to resurrect a person with a strong incentive to return, a person with no desire to malinger in death. And in the grip of an overwhelmingly obvious Darwin Moment, 40-year-old Muhammad Niaz stepped up and volunteered to be murdered the very next day.

 

Lest anyone claim that Muhammad was mentally ill, which would disqualify him from a Darwin Award, please remember that resurrection by saints is an idea that is popular in Christianity as well. Bible verse Matthew 10:8 says that Jesus commanded his acolytes, "Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons," and Catholic saints have been recorded as performing the miracle of raising the dead.

 

On Tuesday the idea was announced, on Wednesday the follower was killed, and on Thursday the overly optimistic Sufi was behind bars for murder. Generally no Darwin Awards are given for murder, but in this case the acolyte volunteered for the scheme and earned his just reward.

 

 

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That is crazy!

 

It sure is. This guy is also crazy. While he's still alive and capable of reproducing, he is in danger of losing such capabilities. http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2014-01.html

 

(30 April 2014) Honorable Mention. Alive without a brain? Six days before his scheduled release, a convict broke out of a Portland jail and enjoyed twelve hours of freedom before being apprehended at a nearby Jack in the Box. The math genius had served 97% of his sentence.

 

Out of the Box, back into the Box, a classic Jack in the Box.

 

 

I love Jack in the Box, but I would think waiting six more days for an Ultimate Cheeseburger (what I would have ordered) would have been a better idea. Of course, ass hats are ass hats.  :lol:

Edited by Timmer
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