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ACC_gal

recent trauma and personality changes

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   <<<<<<<TRIGGER   WARNING>>>>>>>>>Last friday ( Nov 14th) the house right next to mine burned down, nearly costing me my own house,pets and belongiings :( I was sittting on the couch doing my word finds which i ussually do to unwind when I heard this very loud BANG! that shook my house, saw smoke and heard my neighbor yelling GET OUT! YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!! NOW! I saw flames shooting out of the windows and door of the house close to mine ( which was 10 feet away) and All I could think of was if I am gonna loose it all F**** it and let ME burn up too then. Then nighbors had been using like 7 space heaters at once becuz they refused to pay the gas bill ( using their money for not so great things but you know...). So they overloaded the fuses in the 100+ house. All I recall is myself being DRAGGED out of my own home by a cop       becuz i was refusing to leave.. I wanted to just be left the F alone. I can't recall every specific detail and it still makes me very angry to discuss it so I will just post about my recent personality changes. I have become very hateful, Mistrusting and not wanting anyone near me lately. yet at the same time EVERYTHING scares me... even the broken windows my house has. I actually HATE my home now. being here makes me vomit. All i can see outside is the burned debris of what once was the nieghbors house ( never mind the fact these were not good people. I used to babysit their kid). This person turned on me and MY family and even blamed us for the fire. Then she lately emailed me and said " since I lost everything, your house should be next". I did contact the police and filed an order for protection but now i dont know who I can trust anymore.. people come up to me and my family and sneer at us or treat us like scum. it's hard to have sympathy for someone who caused their own plight and were chronic lawbreakers. I feel for their kids but I can't find any pity for the adults since the fire was their fault and they endangered others as well. All I feel is HATE and wanting to smash someone in the face. SURE things COULD have been worse for my family... but the trauma is there and I no longer feel secure.. like ANYTHING could ignite my home. I am also tired of others telling us " well you guys didn't loose anything.. you only have some damage to your home". I have gotten to the point where if someone comes up to me and mentions the fire.. asks questions. I snap and say LEAVE ME THE F ALONE! the other day some woman came up to my mother and handed her a 20$ bill and I snapped and told her I didn't need her pity. We still have to see the debris outside.. plus freeze becuz of busted windows. The broken windows themselves are a major trigger for me since I have a phobia of broken/crakced windows stemming from a childhood trauma. WHEN WILL THE TRUAMAS END?????

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My Therapist believes I have something called Complex PTSD due to having so many traumas during my lifetime.. each one makes me even more bitter :(

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I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your neighbor sounds like an ass.

Try not to let the fear cloud your brain all the way. Tey to remind yourself of the facts. Your neighbor's house caught fire because they were using a bunch of space heaters. It was not a random thing, the fire was caused by something they did. That does not mean your house will catch fire, as long as you do not do things that would make it catch fire. You have lived in your house so far without it igniting, so just do things normally and you should be fine.

 

Is your therapist helpful for working through your traumas or teaching you coping strategies? There are lots of types of therapy out there that can help with those. I know it can be really hard to cope when there are major triggers in your own home you can't avoid.

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Yeah that does sound like Complex PTSD. I have it too, I had an abusive relationship that I was stuck in for months, and I was physically attacked by about 30 people at the same time for about an hour.

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