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So when I was talking to people other than my bf about my suicidal ideation I noticed I sound very casual about the whole thing. Like yeah no big deal. I'm fine. Even my tone of voice is very put together. I can't seem to turn this off. I was even joking around and laughing when I told pdoc about the aborted attempt.

Anyone else?

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Yes, I have noticed that as well for me. It's weird, I tend to think it is some sort of protection mechanisms, because quite honestly, SIs scare the hell out of me. I actually like living, so for me it turns the diagnosis into a illness.

 

The other explanation for me is that it's just such a normal part of life that it can be talked about casually, despite being scary as hell. After I was diagnosed, I learned that obsessively thinking about suicide is not actually a normal thing people do all the time. After more than ten years of it, I had just assumed everyone does that.

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Yes, I do the same thing.  When I notice it more is when I have lack of affect and starting to go into a depression.  I show no signs of emotion, one way or the other.  And I say things matter-of-fact.

Me too. And when I'm manic I say it all rapidly and repetitively :/

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When I hit some extremes of mood episodes, rather than speaking casually I apparently have the ability to directly catalogue and relate my specific symptoms/issues. I wonder if a part of me was always invested with this ability - it certainly took time in therapy to sort out. But my former therapist and I put together my heaalth care action plan/chart/thing and I just mentally go through that. Once certain and/or enough red flags go off, I undertake specific actions, sometimes that includes contacting my pdoc or even the hospital - if pdoc instructs me to contact the hospital, I do. Initially this caused some problems because I could go in, (hypo)manic, and I'd sit there relating my specific issues 'cause I figure why waste time and whatnot? Cut to the chase. But to these doctors who didnot know me I apparently seemed casual or something, plus I was unaware at the time that the "magic passworrd" for getting onto the IP ward is "I am a danger to myself." Which I was. But anyway.

I just seem to approach it all matter-of-factly. Which I utilize toward re-stabilizing/getting better/etc. But I don't know if that's what people in this thread mean.

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I have the same problem. I've always wondered if it's because I don't cry. Like, ever. I've never cried in front of either my t-or-pdocs. I also have the flat ASD affect thing going on, and if anything it gets even flatter when I'm mortally depressed.

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Yes, I do the same thing. When I notice it more is when I have lack of affect and starting to go into a depression. I show no signs of emotion, one way or the other. And I say things matter-of-fact.

I do this too and it usually takes me a while to notice it. I also think that I do it because the thoughts are such a part of my life and have been since I was a kid that it all just seems normal to me. Like I never understand why people get so uncomfortable about. I would love to be able to sit down with my family and explain to them why I think it would be better if I wasn't here, that I would be more at peace but I know that conversation will never happen.

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Yes, I do the same thing.  When I notice it more is when I have lack of affect and starting to go into a depression.  I show no signs of emotion, one way or the other.  And I say things matter-of-fact.

Me too. And when I'm manic I say it all rapidly and repetitively :/

 

 

Exactly.  I'm the same way.

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Yeah my tone of voice is more like I'm engaging in a friendly conversation with you. Maybe it's years of training. I taught myself to speak a particular way and have fluctuations in my voice to sound normal as opposed to monotone. Always have a relaxed posture, sit up straight, look normal, make eye contact, etc. I've been practicing that since I was like 8. 

 

I think I weirded out my coworker. She was like 'OMG suicidal thoughts are scary.' And I said in a very casual tone, 'no not really lol.' Yikes. 

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I feel like this has become more and more true for me as time goes on. I feel like I come off as superficial or disinterested, even when I am deeply passionate about something. Maybe it's just my perception though. I just feel like my emotions don't always come out the way they should, and that I can't get engaged on more than a superficial level.

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I get weepy and can't get out of bed, like crtclms said, when I'm depressed.

 

Dealing with suicide issues is scary for the person you're talking to. It's incredibly hard for me to talk about it, until I'm at the risk of doing it, usually happens during a mixed episode, and then I can just talk about it like I'm talking about where I got my jeans or something trivial. Then I'll start crying. It's weird.

 

Even with meds, I have a wide array of emotions. They don't dull me down. They control my episodes and psychosis (something else I can talk about like I'm talking about normal things, which scares some people).

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Mostly I don't talk about any suicidal urges I have. This might be because I've spent years at a time suicidal, and in that case what is there to say? "Mornin' Gearhead. Still wish you were dead?" "Mornin' Frank. Yup, I sure do. See you tomorrow."

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I tend to describe symptoms through the tears of a clown if you get my drift.  It seems to be my main defense mechanism when talking to someone in person, whether it be me pdoc, tdoc or even an ER doc.  Always seem to hide behind sarcasm and jokes kind of like Chandler on "Friends".  Only thing is is that I don't think Chandler has the seriousness of the things I am dealing with.  I also find it interesting that I have an easier time being serious whether writing on this message board or journaling.  It is just weird how you can be in so much pain internally but put on this big happy face.

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I tend to describe symptoms through the tears of a clown if you get my drift. It seems to be my main defense mechanism when talking to someone in person, whether it be me pdoc, tdoc or even an ER doc. Always seem to hide behind sarcasm and jokes kind of like Chandler on "Friends". Only thing is is that I don't think Chandler has the seriousness of the things I am dealing with. I also find it interesting that I have an easier time being serious whether writing on this message board or journaling. It is just weird how you can be in so much pain internally but put on this big happy face.

I know that for me part of the reason is that it's just easier. It's easier to pretend it's less of a problem or that you have no problem at all. People don't ask about as much then. It also makes it easier to talk about out loud.

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