Does anyone else have sound sensitivity? It comes and goes, especially when I’m feeling agitated/mixed. Been off work 3 days per pdoc and I go back tomorrow because I cannot afford to be off. Today’s been the worst for the sensitivity. I dread going back tomorrow because my workplace is very noisy and often when on the phone with a client a voice hits a certain pitch and I’m cringing; it’s almost painful. I want to hang up and flee.
The pdoc is sending me this afternoon to a depression/anxiety group which is senseless and I don’t want to go because it’s weekly but this is the only day I can go since I’m off work - normally I’m working. I’m effing agitated and a group one time isn’t going to help but I have to in order to appear “compliant” to the HMO. They offer no groups for any type of bipolar. I think after being in and out of therapy since a teen (although not knowing it’s BP until a couple years ago), I probably have the group thing down pat and consider this one-time thing to supposedly give me “coping skills” to be something to placate the insurer; not helpful. I have loads of coping skills or I wouldn’t have made it this far and snowed most the people I know, that have no clue what I’m going through inside while I always act positive on the outside. I’m exhausted by acting and don’t look forward to the noise tomorrow. Can’t even take the chirping of a bird right now, which I find sad to admit. So stressed.
Venting here, as I wait for the group to begin.
My apologies for the long post, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.
As the title says, I'm just picometers away from checking myself into a psych ward. I have shit going on in my life with my family that I'm just about done with trying to care about and mange. We have a live-in "stray" we picked up who is a mooch, a biggot, a homophobe (I'm gay), an a real class A ass hole. My friend and I and him got into a shouting match last night and he almost got violent with us. Of course, my mom, who is infatuated with him (and if I didn't know any better, is having an affair with him), hardly did anything to intervene except saying "stop yelling!" But that's another thing, I digress.
Not to mention, my mood has been on a downswing the last month into a massive, bottomless-pit of a depressive episode. I knew it was too good for me to be feeling good for as long as I did. It was the first time in years to be feeling that good for as long as I did. I was probably actually hypomanic because I got myself into some pretty nasty credit card debt that I can't pay off because I'm unemployed and have no source of income. I knew I was due for a depressive episode sooner or later, which is fantastic because now I don't have the willpower to get a job.
I can't get to my pdoc until, at the very soonest, Wednesday, and it's not guaranteed that I'll even get to see her then. It may be Friday, or even next week.
I'm heavily considering checking into a psych ward. I've talked with friends about which one in my area is the best one, and I think I've decided which one to go to. I'm just scared to death of being stripped of my belongings like my cell phone and everything. I'd like to at least have my pen and notebook so I could journal or something. Is that really what they do? Do they treat you like prisoners?
I've been taking copious amounts of Restoril (> 360 mg ) + gabapentin (>3600 mg) + Valium (> 40 mg) + Xanax (> 6 mg) + Thorazine (> 100 mg) + Zanaflex (> 12 mg) all at once just to feel out of my body. I want to be gone. I want to be away. I don't want to die, I just want to be gone. Away. Not here. Just for a while. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to go away for a long time and come back when things are better. I've been doing this every night for the past few days. My parents and best friend know about it, and it breaks their hearts to know I'm doing it, but I can't help it. I feel like I need to do it. I ran out of Restoril, so I've just been taking the combo without the Restoril. I've been slowly escalating the dose of gabapentin as I started out at 2400 mg. I'm almost out of Valium as they're 2 mg pills. I'm almost out of Xanax and Thorazine. Soon I'll just be left with gabapentin.
Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of this guy living with us, he has long overstayed his welcome. He was supposed to move out once he got a place of his own. He has a place of his own, he just has to fix it up. He hasn't worked on it in months. I'm terrified of him. I'm having paranoid hallucinations of him coming to harm me even when he's not here.
so I have sadi this before but i have had many many mnay hallucinations over my whole life time they have been there since i can think such as this thing i used to see when i was 4-7 years old they have gotten more intense over the years there on and off they can last for months or weeks (longest being 6months) and im starting to question things like i thought i saw dead people or did i hallucinate them and its only starting to happening but its hard to explain anything and i feel so numb and i cant access my thoughts can someone please give me reasons why i could be hvaing these hallucinations
hey im 14yrs old and I have been doing quite a lot of research into some things I am experiencing and im just not sure if im getting anywhere and would like others opinion also I am sorry this is so long.
so cutting down to the point, It was only recently that I moved into my new house (we lived in our old one for 7 years) and I started to hallucinate things (we have been in this house for about six weeks) now it wasn't the first time I have had hallucinations but I thought I should look into it.
ive been having hallucinations every since I was young (like 4+) when I was really young I remember when I used to visit my dad (saw him during the school holidays) sometimes I would see something in a tree at the front I used to play in it was a boy a dead one really pale but the odd thing about him was he sometimes would have like tentacles instead of a body (so a head and tentacles or sometimes he had a full body) and I always got really scared and ran inside those rarely happened but I remember in year one (we had moved from my old place and somewhere new and I didn't have any friends) I would sit in this corner and cry but one day I saw a girl once again she was a dead girl she was old fashioned night gown that had blood on it not heaps just a bit and was soaking wet I dont know why but I wasn't ever scared I told her to get out of my corner and she said no anyways I became friends with her and im pretty sure she died from drowning she fell from somewhere hit her head (hence the blood) and drowned (why she was wet) and I vaguely remember these dreams that we went on her and I we saved a town or something It was weird I dont remember her name I know it was something with an A I think Annabelle sounds something close to it but I cant remember her name anyways one day she disappeared and I never saw her again and it made me upset but oddly I forgot about her until year 6 when I had one of those dreams again but she was older and it was weird and all my memories came back, I have many times seen dead people on the street they had like this glowing aurora around them that as how I knew they were dead that and no one else saw them (I just knew that couldn't) I have waved to them smiled etc. I also felt the presence of a person like someone opens a door and I just get this random information like John was his name 37 a wife two kids a smoker died in a car accident (made that up but it happened it hasn't happened since year six) I also have seen shadows moving Turing into things and ive seen things I cant really explain them like people sometimes there not and they move around I have heard things like whispers underneath my bed and footsteps scratches music playing etc ive also felt things I remember when I was younger I climbed on my mums perfectly made bed (you would see a if there was something underneath the blankets) and I climbed on it to get something from her bedside table and I felt a leg and heard hissing I ran away and when I came back nothing was there I cant say the exact age but I was around 7-9 years old and I got it really bad everynight for 6months I remember it was horrible I would see things (even in plain daylight) hear things feel things it was scary and I still get these hallucinations there on and off they can last a month, weeks a few days usually if I have a nightmare they come or if I talk about them but they do just randomly happen. I used to think I saw dead people but now im just questioning if I hallucinated it all or if it was real I know its not but im lost at the moment I cant tell if it is or if it isnt. also I go numb a lot I cant feel anything im like an empty shell and I have so many thoughts running around in my head but I just can't get to them its like a wall blocks them and when I do feel something its everything negative and I cry and cry. I think a lot I have so many ideas in my head ones that ive been told are not what a 14 year old my age think about that its deeper and I like to think in all honesty I cant turn it off even if I wanted to. I also have this thing it started with me wanting to become an author but I look at every detail like when I look at a person I look at like the liens on there face the colours in there eyes the movement of there mouth and I have periods where I zone out and Im numb but I cant stop I look at my hand and its weird I know its mine but its different it doesn't feel like it should be and then I cant stop looking at everything in detail I think I just have a really active imagination but I wanted to see others opinions im super concerned about the hallucinations I just want to know what they are.
I also wanted to add in that i have ADHD, depression , and high anxiety (and to add it in agoraphobia) also ive always had trouble sleeping at night
thank you for reading please reply i need some advice opinons.
Hey all. I've been doing relatively well recently and haven't had any hallucinations for a couple months now. But last night when I was dreaming (after I had already fallen asleep), I started to hear a loud voice giving commentary over what I was doing. This scared the hell out of me, especially given that I usually have transient hallucinations rather than sustained voices. By the time I woke up, it had gone away. Has this happened to anyone else?