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Call me Envy, im new here.


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Hi, this is my frirst time being on a message board like this. To start, my name is Envy(well thats what i go by on the web trying to keep this alittle anonymous) and i self harm. i have since i was 14 and i am now 22. its been off and on for these years. diff things fueling the horrific desire. i have attempted suicide 6 times...the last time i almost succeeded...and it scared the shit out of me. that was my senor year of high school. i no longer have a desire to die. but i still do cut. not bad. just enough to feel the rush. my thighs and my sids are the victims now days. i have to hide it for fear of som one noticing and locking me away in a hospital.

 

its  saddening that i resort to this mutilation. i know i need to stop. but the desire is so strong. an addiction. i stoped for about a year and a half wile i was dating Shawn (the sweetest guy you will ever meet) but then i had to move away due to bad living arrangements(a 23 year old child i called a fucking room mate. more like a leach). and we all know how long distance relationships role. one month later be broke up. with did not suprize me. it was a big commitment he wasnt ready for and i wasnt going to force him. 

 

thats when i picked up the blade again. i fantasied about it some days. some days its the only though in my mind. and it sickens me. this is so fucked up. my life isnt even that bad.

 

yeah ive been through some shit molestation when i was 8, 10 and 13. but it never really effected me the way it effects most. i have a loving father little brother and mother(even though she is a drug addict and fuck up. i still love her to death and she is curently getting help) yes my father went to war and my mother had an affair with a fucktard criminal who is now my shitty step father. but my life isnt as bad as others. 

 

i have so much self hate buried deep inside me. im over weight(working on that) but im still disgusted with my self. i cant even have sex with some one i love without hating my self.(another reason i think shawn didnt want to drop everything and move from Missouri to Virginia we hardly fucked and we lived together for almost a full year) 

 

so after all this very personal info i would like to say...a part of me wants to stop all this self harm bullshit. but idk how i would get along every day without the release. so i came to this forum to get some shit off my chest. i have no friends to talk to and i would never tell my family this shit.

 

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Well, this is a good place to get it all out. I use the chat rooms a lot, even though it's sometimes hard to figure out who is chatting to whom.

It sounds like you've had plenty to contend with. Don't belittle your own issues just because others have it worse. Im glad you are no longer suicidal. Baby steps, I suppose.

I'm Bi polar and suicide obsessed. I've never attempted but have some excellent plans. If I didn't care so much for my 91 yo Dad I think I'd do it. But any reason is a good reason.

Please use the chats and forums here. I've found th very useful. Good luck and hope it all gets better.

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