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So earlier this year I had a massive episode which I still have trouble conceiving as psychotic, although that's what everyone  else treats it as, and it got me a schizoaffective diagnosis. I was on the verge of starving myself just to avoid interacting with people and it filled up my entire life. It felt like that everything I am was focused on the thoughts and beliefs.

 

The biggest relief that getting on medication (Geodon) has been is that it doesn't consume me. When these things enter my mind, they're present and they affect me, but they don't consume everything else. I can think about something else and set these particular things aside. It also has damped down the voices - the only time I have heard them was a day I didn't take Geodon at all and another day when I had heat stroke and everything came back as strong as ever. I hit the edges of it again if I don't get enough sleep or if I have too much coffee or if I am stressed too much.

 

And perceiving things other people do not doesn't bother me. I still do not believe these things are psychosis or delusions, but I do understand others believe they are. What bothers me is having no control over my thoughts, being unable to speak to people, and being consumed entirely with thoughts about why these things are happening with no capacity for anything I want to do or enjoy. Since starting Geodon it has taken up less and less cognitive "space" and I have room to be me.

 

I am just wondering, does this make sense to people? The all consuming thing? I'm not alone in this?

Edited by Bellatrix
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So earlier this year I had a massive episode which I still have trouble conceiving as psychotic, although that's what everyone  else treats it as, and it got me a schizoaffective diagnosis. I was on the verge of starving myself just to avoid interacting with people and it filled up my entire life. It felt like that everything I am was focused on the thoughts and beliefs.

 

The biggest relief that getting on medication (Geodon) has been is that it doesn't consume me. When these things enter my mind, they're present and they affect me, but they don't consume everything else. I can think about something else and set these particular things aside. It also has damped down the voices - the only time I have heard them was a day I didn't take Geodon at all and another day when I had heat stroke and everything came back as strong as ever. I hit the edges of it again if I don't get enough sleep or if I have too much coffee or if I am stressed too much.

 

And perceiving things other people do not doesn't bother me. I still do not believe these things are psychosis or delusions, but I do understand others believe they are. What bothers me is having no control over my thoughts, being unable to speak to people, and being consumed entirely with thoughts about why these things are happening with no capacity for anything I want to do or enjoy, and since starting Geodon this 

 

I am just wondering, does this make sense to people? The all consuming thing? I'm not alone in this?

 

I understand. You're not alone. I feel like i lost a decade of my life; looking back now, with [relative] clarity thanks to medication, I was seriously yahoo. I had almost no control over my thoughts, when I spoke to people it was like my mind wasn't really present, and I was consumed with my thoughts. I didn't truly enjoy anything; sober at least. So I think I can relate to an extent

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This wasn't even my first time, but it was probably the most intense/severe. I've had at least two other periods, and a third that might have been due to a drug I had tried. 

 

And thank you.

Edited by Bellatrix
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This wasn't even my first time, but it was probably the most intense/severe. I've had at least two other periods, and a third that might have been due to a drug I had tried. 

 

And thank you.

 

Just remember there's millions of people battling various forms of brain cooties out there; just because it isn't publicized, doesn't mean you're alone 

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I can absolutely relate to what you said. This last episode, before the meds, my thoughts did consume me. All the time. After I started Latuda,it let me deal with and think of other things. But half of my brain is still convinced of the thoughts.

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Yes the thoughts consume me. They seem to be in my every thought. The delusions and voices make up my reality. I can't see past them. At least that's how it was when I was in deep psychosis. Now I still believe them but they're dimmer. The voices and delusions are being challanged by irrefutable evidence and I can't deny it. 

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So earlier this year I had a massive episode which I still have trouble conceiving as psychotic, although that's what everyone  else treats it as, and it got me a schizoaffective diagnosis. I was on the verge of starving myself just to avoid interacting with people and it filled up my entire life. It felt like that everything I am was focused on the thoughts and beliefs.

 

The biggest relief that getting on medication (Geodon) has been is that it doesn't consume me. When these things enter my mind, they're present and they affect me, but they don't consume everything else. I can think about something else and set these particular things aside. It also has damped down the voices - the only time I have heard them was a day I didn't take Geodon at all and another day when I had heat stroke and everything came back as strong as ever. I hit the edges of it again if I don't get enough sleep or if I have too much coffee or if I am stressed too much.

 

And perceiving things other people do not doesn't bother me. I still do not believe these things are psychosis or delusions, but I do understand others believe they are. What bothers me is having no control over my thoughts, being unable to speak to people, and being consumed entirely with thoughts about why these things are happening with no capacity for anything I want to do or enjoy, and since starting Geodon this 

 

I am just wondering, does this make sense to people? The all consuming thing? I'm not alone in this?

 

I understand. You're not alone. I feel like i lost a decade of my life; looking back now, with [relative] clarity thanks to medication, I was seriously yahoo. I had almost no control over my thoughts, when I spoke to people it was like my mind wasn't really present, and I was consumed with my thoughts. I didn't truly enjoy anything; sober at least. So I think I can relate to an extent

 

 

I can realate to all of this too.  I lost a lot of my life with delusions and hallucinations, but thanks to medication I am back in reality (for the most part). 

 

Like Stolen Dance, when talking to people, I was "listening," but as I Was my thoughts were on something totally different.

 

 

During my episode, I was completely consumed by the paranoia, voices, delusions, everything. I'm like you where I don't think I have "delusions" but everyone else considers them to be, and I can accept that.

 

^^This.  It was all-consuming.  My world was the delusional world.  After meds though I pulled out of it into reality, but still have parts of me that have delusions I believe to be true, when others don't.  It isn't as bad though than at my worst possible point.

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I think the psychiatrist I saw twice for Geodon (he was temporary, getting a new one in January) was focused on the meds changing what I think and believe, while I was looking for something that would make them less consuming. Too much energy focused on getting me to renounce my so-called "delusions" and not enough on whether I am actually genuinely doing better on the medication (and I am).

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I think the psychiatrist I saw twice for Geodon (he was temporary, getting a new one in January) was focused on the meds changing what I think and believe, while I was looking for something that would make them less consuming. Too much energy focused on getting me to renounce my so-called "delusions" and not enough on whether I am actually genuinely doing better on the medication (and I am).

 

I hope the medication works for you.  I loved the delusional world at the time, every minute of my life, but am glad to be back to reality.  When I was delusional it was kind of obsessive thinking with me.  I didn't believe anything that anyone told me.  When the meds kicked in though, everything changed for the better and now being back in reality I go day to day, whatever happens, happens.  I'm not consumed with being in the delusional world anymore.

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I hope your pdoc can help out. Getting consumed sucks. Just be very frank, write stuff down f you need, and give that to your pdoc. Its often easier than talking and it summarizes things. I do this once in a while because I forget some things, or I don't want to say it out loud.. 

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