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F'N Crazy & F'N Scared

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Never done anything like this before...so here goes. Long story, will attempt to keep it relatively straightforward (as much as my "Crazy Self" can): 

Diagnosis: Bipolar 1, ADHD, Severe Anxiety, Severe Depression, PTSD

Been on so many meds over the years, it is hard to even remember the names of them all...fearful of being "overmedicated", as I found out (the hard way), that for me...SSRI's push me into Mania (and Mania, for me, while at times "sweet", caused grandiose plans <Hell I made "Dean's List"!> Of course the crushing depression that followed and caused me to fail out of college altogether was no picnic. I partied a LOT (and I'm not a drinker)...Hell...I'm not even social...(But I digress).  I spend money like I actually HAD money...but those who experienced mania...understand all of this.


Right now, I am terrified.  July 9, 2014, I FINALLY, after 11 years left an abusive marriage.  Yup, I just grabbed some clothes, jumped in the car, and drove many states away...to a place he has no idea where I am located, to a town so small (it is actually where I grew up...I'm surprised he hasn't figured it out yet.  However, none of my family lives here anymore and I was never allowed to attend my high school reunions, or stay in contact with any of my friends so...).  The problem is, the town is so small that even though I am able to see a counselor/therapist through a domestic violence grant...she is not a therapist that is well-versed in true psychosis. I am also able to see a Nurse Practitioner at a clinic who is able to write for my psych meds: Topamax 200mg, Lamictal 300 mg, and clonazepam 5mg.  I have no insurance, so I am able to see her on a sliding scale fee.  There is no pdoc in this town.  The one that does cyber services through the counseling center, consulted with me once, but can not see me unless I have insurance (because I "waived Medicare Part B" when I first went on SSDI, due to coverage under my husband, which I am no longer on...it is an HMO in the state where he resides...so even if I WAS on it, I would have no access to providers, I am not eligible for Medicare Part B until I am 65).  I am in the "loop" of "never-ending" paperwork for Medicaid in my state.  I  am going through an ugly divorce, where my attorney (in the state where he resides) is doing everything she can to protect my location (my sister is helping me pay for this attorney).  My estranged husband has hired an expensive attorney and has family money...and is using my mental health against me...stating he is "worried about me", etc.  And no, there are no police reports, hospital records or anything.  Remember, I am the "crazt" one, I was always isolated and afraid.  He is the "responsible" one, employed, well-connected family, etc.  Problem is:  I am in the middle of a divorce, with deadlines and hearings, being buried in paperwork, and I am headed for a psychotic episode.


Due to my ADHD (which I haven't explored yet with my NP)...we have been mainly concentrating on my severe anxiety and my paranoia over leaving my husband...or maybe I am having another type of breakdown, I don't know. I am once again doing things like counting my footsteps when I walk, "playing" songs in my head over and over when I try to sleep, having "conversations" in both English and Spanish with myself in my head (maybe I should learn a third language and invite "another" person into the conversation?), and of course...the cursed on-line shopping.  I'm finding myself getting angry, I want to throw the "self help" book at my therapist, scream at the top of my lungs that "I need help"...but then, I'd probably find myself in the stupid hospital, unable to be "present" for this stupid divorce stuff...and end up being "run over"...which I'm probably going to be any way.


My PTSD is always there, I have NOT talked about that at ALL with either the therapist or the Nurse Practitioner.  It took me YEARS to even begin to open up to my provider where I came from and that was in bits and pieces.  But, it affects everything in my life.  I am afraid to go to the grocery store, I can not, WILL not see ANY male providers, if there are men on the sidewalk...I will cross the street to the other side and walk there.  I am "hyper vigilant", and still have nightmares.  In an effort to try and make myself get out of my apartment, and lose the weight I gained, I joined the one small gym in my town and went there yesterday (it is only "manned" during a few hours during the week, otherwise it is accessed by keyless entry) during the middle of the day.  I went in to work out, and the only other person in there was a guy. I ignored him, but as soon as he came up and started talking to me, I began shaking and left the gym only to make it half a block before I threw up in a trashcan.  The man that stalked me for six months in 1998, before finally following me home and forcing me inside my house and brutally raping me, is out of prison now.  I don't know if I'll ever be "free".  I also don't know why, for some reason, I can say that here...but I can't begin to talk about it "face to face" with the people that are supposed to "help" me.


As you can see....I am "certifiably" nuts. Crazy. But I am also alone, terrified, and I guess I just needed to "verbally vomit" it all out.


Well, that's me...That's my "Introduction"...



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Welcome to Crazyboards.  I hope we can offer you some support and advice as you go through this huge transition.  It was a really good thing to leave your abuser and I hope you can find effective treatment in your little town.



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