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My memory is completely shot


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I'm so tired of my meds/condition (don't know which) screwing with my short term and long term memory.  It's not just little things like losing my keys constantly (which actually becomes a big thing after a while), it's forgetting complete conversations with people.  I don't think I'm having blackouts (would I remember if I was?!), but I constantly find myself in situations where someone will say "you told me X" or "when we talked about Y" and I genuinely have NO recollection of ever having done so.  I'd carry a notebook around with me if I could remember - don't laugh, this is something I really do keep meaning to do.  When I was working (I resigned at the end of November b/c I'm emigrating) I had to write down everything that was said to me because if I didn't it would be gone from my head forever.

This was brought home to me again yesterday when someone (they will know who they are if they read this - and I apologise for my stupid reply) sent me a pm referring to something that I apparently told them before.  I genuinely do not remember ever having that conversation.  It's scary.

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Ye gods, I can completely commiserate: especially recently. It seems the more stressed out we get, the worse the memory problems get. The quicker the memory goes, the more stress we pile on. Endless recursion...

I have nothing helpful to add -- at least nothing that I can remember -- but holy crap, can I understand where you're coming from.

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I have a terrible memory.  Especially of times when I was hypomanic/manic.  It might as well be one big long "lost weekend".  Or lost years.  I have actually had to sit down and reconstruct major events in my life, addresses of where I lived, and jobs I had, and write it down and put it in a file, so I can use it on resumes, applications for whatever.  It SUCKS. 

And then there's the Topamax.  When I first started it my short term memory just disappeared.  Poof.  I had to reduce my dose to 300 BID, because my word finding problems were so severe.  It took about 5 months for my memory to improve to a place where I felt safe to work in my field (nursing) again.  No way could I have worked prior to that.  I couldn't remember shit.

Now, 3 years later, I have occasional problems, but I'm nuts about writing everything down and keep a little notebook in my bag, and on every damn surface in the house.  The word finding is still there, but not bad, and I'm not giving up my Topamax.  Keeps me from cycling like nothing else.

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My memory, focus, word finding, etc. are all shot.  I'm currently blaming this on a nasty month-long mixed state.  My pnurse was telling that mania reduces executive functioning in the frontal lobe, and that it can take months to recover it for people who've been in really bad manic episodes.

I am so tired of being stupid.

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This was brought home to me again yesterday when someone (they will know who they are if they read this - and I apologise for my stupid reply) sent me a pm referring to something that I apparently told them before.  I genuinely do not remember ever having that conversation.  It's scary.

If this is me, might I point out you told me in March? 

I'm sorry about things falling out of your head.  I can't remember turning sixteen.  I don't remember many conversations.  I really don't remember a number of events I've found pictures of.  Like, what?  I was there?  Where is there?  And when? 

I don't know how to fix it yet.  Very sorry.

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