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Ladies, how bad is this?

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God it seems like such a small thing...

 

It's not a small thing. Instead of being dismissive, just accept that fact. You made her feel uncomfortable, in a world which already severely limits the spaces where women are allowed to feel safe. You need to change your behaviour. 

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God it seems like such a small thing...

I can understand why it seems that way from your perspective.

 

Unfortunately, it is not a small thing from the perspective of the people around you. Whether you fully understand why or not, it would be a good idea to keep this in mind in the future. Even if you think it should be a small thing, the reality is that it will consistently be thought of and treated as a genuinely threatening thing by the people around you. 

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And look where it's getting you. You creep people out. You're entirely isolated and scared to leave the house.

Ultimately, it's screwing you.

Is it a reasonable reaction to trauma? Yes.

Is it one that's worth keeping around? No.

I attempted suicide due to abusive people.

I'm lucky to be alive.

I don't want to have to go through it all over again. Would you?

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The bottom line is that your current behaviours are not helping you grow, develop or move on.  You have a lot to work through in therapy.  As we've said before, face-to-face interaction with a therapist is really the best place to hash out this stuff.

 

eta and you need to give the therapeutic process a chance, not toss it to the wind because she told you watch a DVD.

Edited by MiaB

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And look where it's getting you. You creep people out. You're entirely isolated and scared to leave the house.

Ultimately, it's screwing you.

Is it a reasonable reaction to trauma? Yes.

Is it one that's worth keeping around? No.

I attempted suicide due to abusive people.

I'm lucky to be alive.

I don't want to have to go through it all over again. Would you?

Yes.

I too have tried to die because of abuse. I too have all kinds of crazy because of trauma. And you know what? It's *still* better to learn how to stay safe and relate to others.

All this pain that you feel is felt even more because of your fear and isolation. I know it seems counter-intuitive but you are making it worse for yourself. You're making it harder for yourself than it needs to be.

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This charming person turned out to be an absolute monster. I felt taken advataged of. My life was like a horror movie. Do I risk going through that AGAIN. I might not live next time.

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I understand that. Believe me. I fully understand how monstrous abusive relationships can be.

You are continuing that abusive legacy now. You are continuing to hurt yourself. As it stands you are not living. You are barely holding on. You can learn to live again. And it's well worth it.

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Do you risk going through that again?

The alternative is living a long life unloved, with no friends, always painfully isolated, never able to interact normally, stuck living in involuntary celibacy, and dying alone in the end.

Rolling the dice on other humans is probably better than dooming yourself to always living the way you are now.

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No openly staring at anyone, even more so when it is a women is boardering on creepy, i think most women have experienced this at least once, and if i were that women i would certainly have avoided you ever since.

 

Why were you just staring at her?.

Edited by tibbycat

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Why did you feel that it was appropriate to stare at this woman when she was on the ground?  Even if you were looking at her "eyes."  This is not appropriate behavior and I'm not surprised she reacted the way she did.  Stop playing the victim.  

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Why it seemed like "such a small thing" to you is because you have "male privilege". I refer you to tryp's very detailed and excellent explication of what it's like to have street harassment thrown at you.

 

You state clearly you do not like it when others are abusive to you.

 

I know it can be difficult leap to make. And yet your behavior toward your co-worker had several elements of threat in it...

-you have a male body

-she has a female body

-she was on her knees focused on her work

-you were standing (this is a huge power differential)

-you state you were staring at her in the eyes (this is often interpreted as a threatening behavior)

 

When you put all those things together in the context of a culture where men's experiences are privileged over women's experiences, and women are often thought to be nothing more than objects for men's pleasure, or even as you yourself have said... thinking of them as less-than-human... the end result is a situation where it is easy for your co-worker to feel threatened by you... even though it "seems like such a small thing."

 

If you use your imagination to put yourself in her shoes, you might begin to understand why people are giving you a lot of feedback that your behavior was not appropriate... which is what you asked in the first place... "Is it bad" that you did this.

 

Yes, it is bad that you did this because your coworker was vulnerable and your behavior, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T INDEND IT TO BE, was fucking creepy.

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Why did you feel that it was appropriate to stare at this woman when she was on the ground? Even if you were looking at her "eyes." This is not appropriate behavior and I'm not surprised she reacted the way she did. Stop playing the victim.

I was thinking that NOT making eye contact is rude especially when talking to someone.

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What kind of professional mental health care are you getting right now?

 

This is a forum for people who are in treatment and working to get better.  If you can't clearly define what your problems are and what you're doing to overcome them, you need to go somewhere else.

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I saw a counsellor today.

Have you ever been isolated and trapped with an abusive person? Quite frankly there's no way I want it to happen again.

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The "abusive person" discussion is off topic for your question about "Ladies, is this bad?" which asks about your own behaviors.

 

Please put that conversation elsewhere so this topic stays with your original question.

 

Did you need more feedback from others that your behavior was not cool?

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I read this quote somewhere (some kind of mental health context) and I believe it applies here.  "I did not create all of my problems, but it is my responsibility to fix them."

 

Yeah, you were abused and it is unfair, but I think you should stop using it as an excuse so much.  There are lots of people who have been abused that behave appropriately around others.

 

I agree that this is something you should continue discussing with your counselor.  

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I was thinking that NOT making eye contact is rude especially when talking to someone.

There is a HUGE difference between making occasional eye contact while talking to someone and staring at them.

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