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No matter how better I feel I stil quite often wish I was dead. Life is just so much effort that I can't really be bothered.

Last Saturday I woke up with a third degree burn on my hand. Not sure what caused. Maybe a hot water bottle, mobile phone or tablet computer. In any case I just ignored it as I didn't really care.

Then on Wednesday I was on a roundabout coming back from work on my motorcycle. A car pulled out and went straight into me on the left. I remember seeing it happen had no fear and just flew off my bike as the impact of the car hit me. Anyway my bike wasn't damaged I just pretended everything was fine despite my foot hurting.

When I got home my mum waiting for me as she made dinner. I live alone but she was visiting. She insisted we go to hospitals. Anyhow turns out my left foot is broken. Now I need crurches to walk. See the consultant Thursday to decide if I need surgery on my foot.

Anyhow A&E spotted my burn on my hand and insisted I go to a burns hospital. Visited them a couple of times as it became infected and then spent the weekend in hospital on IV anti-biotic. Anyhow I go back tomorrow where they will decide if need surgery to have a skin graft on my hand. Been working from home this week but really don't give a fuck. My mum thinks I self harmed my hand but I didn't just woke up with it.

Saw the hostage crisis in Sydney on TV. Really don't understand what people care about dieing. If I was in that situation, I would have just went up to the terrorist and punched him. I wouldn t give a damn if he shot me. In any case as soon as he pulled the trigger the police would have stormed the building and killed him. I would show the jihadiSt terrorist what dieing for the cause is about.

I accidentally told my motorcycle insurance I have schizoaffective disorder so I guess that will screw me.

Just wanted to vent.

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I'm sorry that happened.  I don't seem to have any feelings on death either.  I think I'm more towards I don't want to die, but when I think about it, either way is fine.  Maybe it depends on my mood at the time or something.  There is just so much shit to deal with that sometimes it really gets to me, and those are the times that life and death don't matter too much.

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Not sure why the insurance should give you grief...the accident wasn't your fault anyway, but I'm not familiar with UK laws.

If in a life-threatening situation, I kind of involuntarily survive.

I survive for other people.

I don't survive for me, I don't like myself all that much.

...So for me, wanting to live is about who I have in my life.

BTW, I'm glad you're still sucking oxygen and doing better.

The last time you were posting here you were not doing well at all.

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I have been suffering for a long time ( like many others ) with nonstop pain from anxiety depression that I just want it to end. No medications can help and I have run out of options but death scares me and I would be missing out on seeing the world and my family friends play out. I feel so awful to say this but my only option now might be death. So do we go to this place we call HEAVEN for all our suffering or is it just lights out ?

 

Your thoughts ?

 

P.S., I really hope there is a HEAVEN and we all make it there !

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I have been suffering for a long time ( like many others ) with nonstop pain from anxiety depression that I just want it to end. No medications can help and I have run out of options but death scares me and I would be missing out on seeing the world and my family friends play out. I feel so awful to say this but my only option now might be death. So do we go to this place we call HEAVEN for all our suffering or is it just lights out ?

 

 

Your thoughts ?

 

P.S., I really hope there is a HEAVEN and we all make it there !

 

 

Good question.  Hopefully we will be in a better place once we go.  We don't need to be in any more shit-holes.

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I have been suffering for a long time ( like many others ) with nonstop pain from anxiety depression that I just want it to end. No medications can help and I have run out of options but death scares me and I would be missing out on seeing the world and my family friends play out. I feel so awful to say this but my only option now might be death. So do we go to this place we call HEAVEN for all our suffering or is it just lights out ?

 

 

Your thoughts ?

 

P.S., I really hope there is a HEAVEN and we all make it there !

 

 

Good question.  Hopefully we will be in a better place once we go.  We don't need to be in any more shit-holes.

 

 

Couldn't have said it better.

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I certainly know the feeling and I had a similar thought about the hostage crisis in Sydney. It wouldn't be at all heroic on my part, just due to an indifference to whether I lived or died and (paradoxically perhaps) anger that someone could be so indifferent to the lives of other people and would threaten to kill people for the sake of their own stupid fantasy. But I fluctuate and sometimes I am scared of death. I drink too much and I smoke too much and neither activity is known to promote longevity. I sometimes wonder why I do such things to myself but most of the time I don't care.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I always feel a pull towards death. That's why it's so hard to keep going with everyday life. Having said that, I haven't got the courage to kill myself. I'm stuck in limbo, between life and death. I don't eat much hoping that will wear my body out quicker. I feel like my body is a cage that keeps me on this planet. Sometimes I'm desperate to be free of it and want to die more than anything.

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