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I am exhausted from feeling so many feelings!


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You know how it is when you're supposed to work on a Really Important Thing but your brain would just rather focus all of its energy on everything else. Everything but the Thing. Everything there ever was except for the Thing. And your brain just won't shut up. And you think you feel great! wonderful! kind of amazing, even! But you're aware of this teeny tiny part of you somewhere deep, deep in there that really just feels kind of trapped.

 

 

Edit: I got kicked out of chat. Oh god. I'm so sorry. I thought I was being helpful, but I was trying too hard and said things I now realize were really insensitive. Oh my god. I'm so sorry.

 

Edit2: Apparently it was just a glitch and I'm a complete noob. Now I'm exhausted from the rollercoaster feels. But I'm still sorry. I'm sure I've annoyed at least one person here at some point. 

Edited by ten.tries
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Yes, I know exactly what you are describing. Not only does that thing deep inside make me feel trapped, it also makes me feel wrong, bad and sick. So I push, I look for better faster more. It never ends well, it's a wonder why I keep repeating it over and over.

 

There's this episode of Batman Beyond where the Joker kidnaps Robin and messes him up so he looks like a Joker clone that can't stop laughing. He laughed even though nothing was funny, and he laughed until there were tears in his eyes, and you could see in his eyes that he didn't think anything was funny either, and you could see that he didn't really want to laugh, and that he hated it but couldn't help it.

 

I also remember someone I know saying—in response to an online post where someone mentioned that they "envied" their sister for being crazy because the crazy made her more "free"—that there is no freedom in craziness, if anything it makes the world a lot smaller. And that's precisely it. On the outside, even on the outside of your own brain, you seem completely happy and joyous and "free," when the truth is you're trapped inside those feelings. You have no control over them. On the inside of your brain you know you're exhausted and your brain can barely keep up with itself and sometimes you start to feel like your brain isn't even moving anymore because it's moving so fast, but you can't stop because you're too happy and joyous and "free."

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Ten, the feeling you're describing sounds like hypo/mania to me. How long have you been feeling like this?

 

I'm not sure, I'm too lazy to keep track of my moods these days. I find it a little difficult to pinpoint what my mood is exactly sometimes. : But I saw my pdoc today, and he upped one of my mood stabilizers. So I should be fine. Soon, I hope. Because I have a deadline at work and I'm terrified. I also know somewhere in there that I'm panicking, but my brain is too busy saying "fuck it." :

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I think I am gonna agree with Gearhead, it sounds like your either experiencing a mixed state or are hypomanic.

May be worth a call to your Pdoc. I am also assuming you have been where you are before. The crash is bad Ten.

Please take care of yourself.

 

Unfortunately it's past 1am here and I don't really have that kind of relationship with my pdoc and counselor. I think this one is a mixed state. Because at the same time I also feel like a really shitty person who's kind of a useless piece of shit. Just kind of useless and not completely, but the shit is there. If only this always came as the type that makes you hyper productive. But no. I just want to curl up in bed, binge-watch a series, and think about all the many ways I suck while feeling somewhat fantastic.

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Ah, I know that feeling well. My best advice is to sit down and start noodling around with your project. With any luck you'll find some facet interesting enough to suck you in and you'll get absorbed by it accidentally. Even if you don't you'll get a feeling for what you need to do and get some work done.

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Maybe set a timer for like 5 or 10 minutes, and try to work on what you need to until the timer goes off?  Then at the very least you tried to work on it, but couldn't.  And who knows, maybe those 5 minutes will be enough to get you hooked on the work, and you can finish doing it all.

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Maybe set a timer for like 5 or 10 minutes, and try to work on what you need to until the timer goes off?  Then at the very least you tried to work on it, but couldn't.  And who knows, maybe those 5 minutes will be enough to get you hooked on the work, and you can finish doing it all.

Good idea! I'll have to try it. I've parceled tasks into small chunks, but never actually set a timer.

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