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Today, in a moment of helplessness and near rage—triggered by a stupid, insignificant incident—I told my brother to please offer any kind of help. He mumbled a response, something along the lines of, if he helps me I'll just find some reason to criticize him, at which point my vision blurred and I found myself saying, "I swear to God, I will kill myself."

 

Now I feel like shit for saying such a thing. In that moment some part of me must have meant it, but it still feels a lot like manipulating someone just to get what I want.

 

I realize I only ever threaten people that way when I feel incredibly alone. I am ashamed that I do this. I am ashamed that I make everything about myself. I am ashamed that I seem to think I should get special treatment just because some doctor gave me a name for what it is to have too many thoughts and feelings. I am so ashamed.

 

Call it a call for help. Whatever. I must be alone for a reason. Who wants to help such a glorious mess like me? When I call I call too loudly. It makes me want to disappear to make things even with the universe. 

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You're not a horrible person. I'm guessing when you threaten suicide you feel like a desperate person who doesn't know another way to communicate or get what you want or need.

But it's two huge subjects you're bringing up - how to get what we need in a more healthy way. How to react when we do things we're ashamed of. Do you have a therapist and have you talked about any of this with them?

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You aren't a horrible person. You might feel horrible, but that doesn't make you horrible. I had a few times where I'd threaten suicide, it would almost slip out. I found it more embarrassing than anything.

 

Don't worry about being single. Get well, then find someone. Relationships are hard. I'm happy being single. But you'll find someone when the timing is right.

 

kateislate has some excellent information offered. 

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I had a conversation like this with a friend of mine not too long ago. She is just realizing that she doesn't really want to die, but she doesn't have any other way of expressing the magnitude of how horrible she feels and how badly she wants to feel better-like, now.

 

The first step toward changing something about yourself is wanting to change it. I hope you have a therapist you can talk to. Maybe print out your original post?

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