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I'm so happy to have found this support site!  A little over 3 years ago I had my first episode of major depression accompanied with psychosis.  I was mostly in a disassociated state and my personality was terribly fragmented.  I don't know exactly how to explain it without writing a novel.  I have Disassociative Identity Disorder.  I know many people don't believe in it, and if I hadn't experienced it myself...I don't think I would either.  I have always battled depression and anxiety, but I fully and completely lost touch with reality at that point.  My "self" was badly fragmented.  I first spent some time in a private trauma treatment center and then I was hospitalized.  I'm recovered enough now to understand just how out of my mind I have been and also to realize that I may never be who I was before my breakdown.  Just being OK feels really great.  I still have a ways to go.  Leaving the house is something I seldom do.  I sleep and rest a lot, but I feel like my brain needs it.  It feels like the biggest changes have happened over the past 6 months.  

 

How I've improved from 3 and a half years ago:

  1. I have a much better sense of time and how much has past (minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years).   
  2. I'm starting to feel like myself again.
  3. I can recall words much better than before.  My memory in general has improved.
  4. I feel like my body parts belong to my body.
  5. I sleep without nightmares (most of the time).
  6. My parts (personalities) feel like they are working in a system.  
  7. I'm mostly free of suicidal ideation.  
  8. I'm not in a constant state of fight or flight, frozen, or numb.  So, feeling more steady and centered and my body isn't constantly pumping out chemicals in response to those various states.
  9. I can connect with people. 

I've worked so hard!  I'm really proud of myself.  I have to keep at it.  I want to start working at leaving the house some.  This is a big step.

 

It feels so good to be able to sleep and relax...even if I still struggle with it to some degree.  It's so much better.  

 

Thank you for letting me share.  

Edited by enhancer
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Welcome to CrazyBoards! It sounds like you've walked a long road, and I think you're right to be proud of yourself.  I hope you find support and friendship here.  Feel free to contact one of the staff if you need help with anything.

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Thank you for welcoming me.  I was telling my husband this morning that I think the next steps I take, I need the support of those who have experienced mental illness.  He's been wonderful, and he can see that I've come a long way, but I can tell by the things he says that he doesn't really comprehend it.  How could he, right?  I'm so grateful to have him though.  I'd be in a state hospital if it weren't for him. He fought really hard for me, and now he goes where I can't go...to the grocery, to my children's school etc.  

 

During my last hospitalization I only remember one person.  I was staring blankly out the heavily glassed-in entranceway and a guy came up to me and said "what happened to you."  I turned to look at him and I couldn't speak.  I couldn't speak to anyone.  Nobody was home inside...I was so fragmented that my body was like an echo chamber.  None of my parts were responding.  But, tears were streaming down my face.  He said "It's ok, I know" in the most gentle, kind, and empathetic voice--and I believe he did know.  He got it.  I so value those with mental illness.    

 

I value you.  So, thanks again and I hope I can be there for others as well.

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Hello and welcome to CB. Good for you for making so much progress! That's really inspiring and encouraging.

I have DiD too, so I believe you. If I find people being shit heads about it I smite them :) (and if you see it feel free to report it! Makes my life a lot easier).

I know what you mean about needing peer support. It's why I'm here, too. Sometimes you (well I, anyway) need people who just get it without lengthy explanations of all the rest.

Looking forward to seeing your posts around.

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Bixo and Snook, thank you!

 

WinterRosie, I've never met anyone else with DID!  I'm sorry to be so excited, but it's nice to meet you :-D.  I did pass by someone with DID in the trauma treatment center, but it was private and one patient wasn't supposed to meet another.  My system is working really well right now and I feel pretty together, but it can come out of seemingly nowhere.  I tend to isolate a lot so that I'm not triggered.

 

I look forward to seeing you around too.

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There are a few of us here on CB. We have a dissociative disorders board which has both other systems as well as singletons.

One of my favourite jokes is "you're not alone" - takes on a special meaning, eh?

I've never met another system irl (that I know of) so it helps to find others online. I so get that.

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I'll seek out those boards!! 

 

Ya, my husband jokes that he has several wives ha!  I don't have any male parts...that I know of...I do have a part that's a creature.  My protector part.  I have a map that I look at every once-in-a-while to try and check in with my parts...If my system is getting upset.  It can get tricky.  I used to hate my parts, but I've learned to love them. There was no way to push them away or quiet them.  I learned it was best for them all if I worked *with them.  That took a while to work out and a lot of help from doctors.  Whew.  Everyone has parts...I guess they just aren't so developed or something?  I don't remember being any other way so I'm not sure what others may feel.  Also, I don't understand why others find it so unbelievable. But, I suppose they feel the same way about me?  It can really get me going in a circle if I think about it too much.

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