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Permanent solution to temporary problem tw


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Why does everyone say this? For many people I'm sure it's true. But I don't think it is for everyone.

Here's the thing...so many make the assumption that a person is suicidal because they are mired in pain or depression and can't see happiness, can't see relief.

I know that I've been happy before, and that I will be happy again. I know there are good people in my life who truly love me. I even believe in God and that something better awaits me in the future.

The happy times aren't enough. The people I love aren't enough. I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to battle through the sadness just to reach a superficial happiness that soon fades away. Metatoina mentions that we seek relief from pain and if we're dead, we can't feel that relief.

I don't want relief. I want nothing. I want to be gone. I want my life to be over.

However, every day my life is saved by my 10 year old sister. She's had such a different childhood than I did...nothing traumatic. I could never do that to her. But someday when she's an adult...I don't know. I've lived with suicidal feelings for 20 years and only tried once. This isn't a suicide note. I just wonder if others feel like I do and what helps you face one more day

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The happy times aren't enough. The people I love aren't enough. I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to battle through the sadness just to reach a superficial happiness that soon fades away. Metatoina mentions that we seek relief from pain and if we're dead, we can't feel that relief.

I don't want relief. I want nothing. I want to be gone. I want my life to be over.

 

I would say exactly the same. 

 

Maybe...also... I don't feel sad, but I think fighting is useless... Bah...

 

 I just wonder if others feel like I do and what helps you face one more day

 

I only... sit on the floor... until ...I can stand up again...

 

I even can lay down, as long as I want to. Nobody will notice it.

Edited by Bixo
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I think I get what you are saying.   Its like a flatness to life.  No real sense of feeling, like your going thru the motions.  You can identify times you were happy and may be happy again, but its distant, not a real feeling.  And i can remember feeling finished and that it was okay to feel finished.  I have done alot, I dont need to do more I just want to be done.  Its okay to be done.  Not alot of feeling surrounding it at all, just a fact.  I was already dead inside whats the big deal.

 

If I got it right, it sorta sucks,  if I got it right, it does change.  I lived the way i described for 20 years or so.  It did change.  The right meds made it change, nothing else.

 

IMO its part of the MI that creates the feeling and lack of interest in being.  And if its the MI then it can be changed.

 

Dont ever give up on change. 

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I think I get what you are saying.   Its like a flatness to life.  No real sense of feeling, like your going thru the motions.  You can identify times you were happy and may be happy again, but its distant, not a real feeling.  And i can remember feeling finished and that it was okay to feel finished.  I have done alot, I dont need to do more I just want to be done.  Its okay to be done.  Not alot of feeling surrounding it at all, just a fact.  I was already dead inside whats the big deal.

 

If I got it right, it sorta sucks,  if I got it right, it does change.  I lived the way i described for 20 years or so.  It did change.  The right meds made it change, nothing else.

 

IMO its part of the MI that creates the feeling and lack of interest in being.  And if its the MI then it can be changed.

 

Dont ever give up on change.

You described it exactly. I'm glad it changed for you. I hope it does for me too.

I don't understand. Why would you consider suicide if you weren't in pain and feeling hopeless and tired of suffering? Help me to understand what you are saying.

It's not that I'm not in pain or suffering. I just mean that I'm not lost in emotion. I haven't lost my head. Like dragonfly said there's a matter of fact-ness to it

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I'm glad your sister is there and in your life.  Maybe when she is an adult you can talk to her about how growing up was for you, and how you felt when she was younger.

 

I rarely feel suicidal anymore, but for the times I do, I think of others and like you can't do it to your sister, I can't do it for my family and the few friends I do have.  I honestly don't think they want me gone, and so many people have supported me throughout the MI, that I wouldn't give up at this point.

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Well, you see, that's exactly why people say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. How you are feeling now (or not feeling) will change. It's not permanent. It's your illness telling you that you are done, and one thing MI does to us is lie. You may feel done with life and you may feel dead inside without any spark, but that can and will change. I was similar, though I will admit that my suicidal feelings were born more of hopelessness than feeling done, but in any case things do change and sometimes change monumentally. Thus, you should not think that your future happiness will be superficial. I can assure you that it will not be superficial and will be more genuine than what you are feeling now.

 

The key for me was finding the correct meds, but I think therapy is also important to explore this feeling of being done. Are you in therapy now?

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i could have written your original post except replace sister with "family".  i have a daughter who is already an adult so i can't just "wait til she's older", it would still be just as bad for her if were to have what i want.

 

the only way i know how to keep going is promising myself i only have to live today.  tomorrow i can decide again.  but today i have to be alive for them.  kinda like being an addict i suppose, the one day at a time thing.  except i'm not wanting to just chemically escape, i'm wanting the whole escape package.

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Well, you see, that's exactly why people say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. How you are feeling now (or not feeling) will change. It's not permanent. It's your illness telling you that you are done, and one thing MI does to us is lie. You may feel done with life and you may feel dead inside without any spark, but that can and will change. I was similar, though I will admit that my suicidal feelings were born more of hopelessness than feeling done, but in any case things do change and sometimes change monumentally. Thus, you should not think that your future happiness will be superficial. I can assure you that it will not be superficial and will be more genuine than what you are feeling now.

 

The key for me was finding the correct meds, but I think therapy is also important to explore this feeling of being done. Are you in therapy now?

The only problem is that temporary can be a long time. Depression has swallowed up many years of my life. Every so often I get manic, which provides a welcome respite ... until the inevitable crash and burn. Then there are the unwelcome mixed states. But mostly I'm depressed. I used to have more normal when I was younger, but now it's rather rare.
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Well, you see, that's exactly why people say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. How you are feeling now (or not feeling) will change. It's not permanent. It's your illness telling you that you are done, and one thing MI does to us is lie. You may feel done with life and you may feel dead inside without any spark, but that can and will change. I was similar, though I will admit that my suicidal feelings were born more of hopelessness than feeling done, but in any case things do change and sometimes change monumentally. Thus, you should not think that your future happiness will be superficial. I can assure you that it will not be superficial and will be more genuine than what you are feeling now.

 

The key for me was finding the correct meds, but I think therapy is also important to explore this feeling of being done. Are you in therapy now?

The only problem is that temporary can be a long time. Depression has swallowed up many years of my life. Every so often I get manic, which provides a welcome respite ... until the inevitable crash and burn. Then there are the unwelcome mixed states. But mostly I'm depressed. I used to have more normal when I was younger, but now it's rather rare.

 

 

Well, it takes time to find the right meds and the right therapist. I spent the majority of my adult life trying to find relief, but I did eventually find the right cocktail and now it is the exception rather than the rule that I become so depressed. Sometimes, yes, it is still a struggle, but I am very glad now that I never succeeded in suicide. 

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Well, you see, that's exactly why people say it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. How you are feeling now (or not feeling) will change. It's not permanent. It's your illness telling you that you are done, and one thing MI does to us is lie. You may feel done with life and you may feel dead inside without any spark, but that can and will change. I was similar, though I will admit that my suicidal feelings were born more of hopelessness than feeling done, but in any case things do change and sometimes change monumentally. Thus, you should not think that your future happiness will be superficial. I can assure you that it will not be superficial and will be more genuine than what you are feeling now.

 

The key for me was finding the correct meds, but I think therapy is also important to explore this feeling of being done. Are you in therapy now?

The only problem is that temporary can be a long time. Depression has swallowed up many years of my life. Every so often I get manic, which provides a welcome respite ... until the inevitable crash and burn. Then there are the unwelcome mixed states. But mostly I'm depressed. I used to have more normal when I was younger, but now it's rather rare.

 

Well, it takes time to find the right meds and the right therapist. I spent the majority of my adult life trying to find relief, but I did eventually find the right cocktail and now it is the exception rather than the rule that I become so depressed. Sometimes, yes, it is still a struggle, but I am very glad now that I never succeeded in suicide.

Glad your cocktail is working for you most of the time. I briefly flirted with almost normal, but descended back into depression. Mostly anhedonia ATM, but lots of SI. Did you find that abilify worked better for you when you went above 15mg?

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Just an update...

 

In the evening after I wrote this post, I attempted suicide by overdosing. Fortunately I got really scared of actually dying once I did it and woke my husband up. After a delightful 18 hours in the ER, I was sent to a psych hospital where I spent the last 7 days.

 

I wouldn't say I'm dancing on sunshine or anything like that, but I AM glad that I did not die, and I am very very very cautiously hopeful that I might get better. Things are still really really hard but I'm trying some new medicines, and at the hospital I got a refresher on some coping skills that honestly I just havent been using.

 

its still really difficult to imagine living like this the rest of my life. but i know that i do want to live. so im going to do everything i can to keep living, and make my life better, and cope better.

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I'm glad you let us know what is going on.  I hope that you continue to want to live.

 

Those coping skills are important--I'm glad the hospital people gave you a refresher course on that.

 

It's wonderful that you're still here.

 

olga

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I regularly call people out for using this expression, in person or online. It minimizes the problem of depression. It makes it sound like people just aren't trying hard enough, and it ignores that there's an illness involved. And anything that sounds like a bumpersticker slogan is not an appropriate response to lifethreatening illness. 

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