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Struggling with my BP1 DX

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Both my parents have/had BP1 and anxiety disorders of various types. My dad committed suicide due to a crash into depression from a high mania.

Still, after 20 years with a BP DX, I still have my days where I think I should just chuck my meds and see what happens. I like to think that I am just such a volitile, passionate person naturally and that doesn't mean I'm sick.

Sure, my parents never let me have meds until I was 18 and decided for myself, but I could have had ADD or been Borderline or both. I'm always thinking of different theories to describe my MI, ways to somehow make it better and not have to take meds or worry about my symptoms.

I even thought of pregnancy. At first I chalked it up to the biological clock being that I am 27 and childless, but the more I think of it, the more I believe that I see pregnancy as a socially-sanctioned time when women can quit meds without being seen as another bipolar going off their meds to experience mania. I don't want to experience depression or mania. I want to experience symptoms that are psychological that I can deal with using different skills that I can learn.

Is there no hope? Could there be, because I did get my DX being so young? I think I'm just floundering for a reason.

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Reasons are hard.

I'm not sure there are any.

Medication should never be all, end all. Learning coping skills and how to elp yourself through group and individual therapy is important.

Quitting your meds is an Incredibly Bad Idea. I think that's why this illness is so insidious, and takes so many of us. The desire to be normal, to have this be managable on our own. Or denial... that it's really not MI that made me feel that way/ do those things. That maybe I was just in a rough place in my life, or maybe I just made some bad decisions.

I was in denial for 20 years. Ignoring my diagnosis, unmedicated, and (hind sight being 20/20) way out of control. I ended up in jail, I'm a convicted felon, my credit report looks like a news report from Bagdad. And if you had told me I was manic, I'd have denied it. And if you pointed out my crushing depression, well, I was too depressed to listen, or care about your opinion.

I'm now almost 40 years old, and everything I own fits in one suitcase. I'm having to start over... again... after a crash that hospitalized me, and almost took my life.

All because 20 years ago I was Galactically Stupid, and decided that I didn't really need my meds. Because I was ashamed that I needed medication just to do the things everyone else did. Because I decided that if I tried hard enough, I could do it on my own.

I can't.

Never again.

Is it really worth it? Is it worth your life to find out whether you really need the meds?

If you feel strongly about it, talk to your pdoc. Then follow their recommendations.

Just my $0.02


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