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Going to do it again..


MneCDB
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I truly feel that I have no choice.

 

Suicidal ideation is back.. 4-5 times a day. I'm so stressed that I get impatient at people I care about. I'm oozing negativity and my emotions are mercurial. I'm getting worse by the day and I'm completely unable to deal with all of that.

I know I can resist now, I don't feel the urge to SH but it's the only way I know that will help me come back to a more neutral state of mind.

 

It's my only tool to cope with how harsh reality is, I admire those like Wooster who found something better. That's what I aim for. But tonight...

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Not doing so good to be honest, thanks for asking.

 

Sorry to hear you also ideate, it's a terrible thing. Glad that you're keeping yourself safe though. If you ever want someone to talk to about that - PM me.

 

Distractions really don't work much.. I'll try to exercise more, I used to love exercising and it might help with feeling positive. I used to enjoy the pain of over doing it though.. and crafting, I like crafting. I'm making a ring out of wood at the moment, maybe I can focus on that some more.

 

So yeah.. I did it again today and looked at my old scars. I wish it didn't leave scars.. I'll never be able to go swimming again.

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The only way I found options was years and years of practice... falling down, getting up again, falling down, getting up again again, etc.

 

You can do this. I believe in you.

 

Sometimes the hardest thing is to resist acting on the urge to act. Learning to watch urges without acting on them is a really difficult skill. I realized, though, that I wasn't starting from scratch. When I quit smoking, I had to learn the very same skills that helped me stop self harming.

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I still swim btw. Water in a pool is constantly moving - it's so hard to see scars underwater that it may as well be impossible. You can wear a shirt and take it off right at the water's edge if you want.

I'm glad that crafting works as a distraction for you. I'd love to see a picture of a finished product if ever you felt like sharing!

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Yeah, you're right! We can't see very clearly underwater.

 

Years of practice, sounds reasonable. It's probably also going to be how I solve this. A steady recovery fueled by the desire to enjoy life once again!

 

I have a question for you guys. Like everybody here, I had some pretty rough moments in my life but always got back on top, even when I started forgetting the worst parts. I got tattooed in order to always keep a memento of a part of my life, to show myself that I survived and could do it again. But.. that all got dwarfed by what happened last year. I just now got to the point where I stop randomly crying even in public or at work and my question is : are there blows from which we can't recover? Maybe I can't see past this because I have a narrow perspective on the events but this shattered my identity and I can't imagine feeling genuinely happy. I'm hoping that this'll fade away like the rest even if it takes years.

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I used to feel hollow inside... like someone had taken a big sewer pipe and pounded it right through the middle of me.

 

I had to take a couple of years off from work when I was "sleeping" in the closet with a big stick and staying in a 5 foot square taped on the floor or on my bed until I stopped wanting to be dead or injure myself.

 

In those moments, I didn't think I would or could ever feel joy or happiness or freedom again.

 

This fall has been a little more rough than average for me, but there definitely have been moments of joy, happiness, and freedom in between. This has helped me to be more patient with my distress when it shows up... because I know it will change, because it already *IS* changing even if the changes are too small for me to perceive in any given moment.

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Thanks for sharing Wooster. Reading your story gives me a hint of hope that things may also go that way for me too. It means a lot to me right now.

 

For now I'm setting a realistic goal, just try to let time erode the worst of it while not doing anything dramatic. My life may not be going anywhere at the moment, at least I'm still here. That's a start. And I've got this place helping me too. Thanks guys.

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And you pulled through! You're here today telling me this and sharing about coping techniques on the board. That's inspiring.

 

What you've told me, it makes me realize that the hopelessness that I feel even as I'm typing these words is brought upon me by my inability to cope with my pain. Strength, discipline and perseverance. Just have to reconcile this cold logic with my troubled mind.

 

Wooster, you've given me hope that this suffering won't last until the end.

 

You're awesome.

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Gosh, thanks, Mne... I'm really glad you find my words helpful.

 

I'm just passing on what other people have taught me.

 

Hopelessness is unpleasant. It usually shows up when our resources are overwhelmed by our stressors. Therefore there are two primary strategies... increase resources AND decrease stressors.

 

Sometimes I forget about the "decrease stressors" part and think I just need to keep sucking it up and try harder and be more dedicated without remembering to check my situation and see what I could do to increase my breathing room.

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