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I am new to this place, so please forgive me if this is in the wrong catagory or place. If this violates the rules, I will gladly move it where a moderator tells me to move it.

 

 I honestly don't know where to begin. I feel absolutely lost. I have felt that way for years. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Depression, and Social Anxiety. I Have been put on Prozac (fluoxetine) 20mg to treat it. So far the meds haven't improved my condition at all, and I have been on them for almost a year. 'Bout all they do is make me sick to my stomach if I don't eat. I haven't been able to keep a stable relationship wether it is romantic, or simply that of friendship. Sometimes big things trigger a depressive state in me, sometimes it is little, almost silly things.

 As I look back on my early childhood I recall not fitting in, or getting along with others. The staff at the public school I was going to, both Elementary and High disliked me and my mother. After already been assaulted by a P.E. teacher in 3rd grade, the bullying by the students and what I would call is the ignorance of the teachers reached a boiling point. My year had already been ruined by some kid who disliked me who spread rumours around saying I had tried to kill myself. Even though at the time the thought of doing such never seriously crossed my mind. They also said I had threatened to blow up the school. So the resource officer pulled me out of class and rumaged through my stuff as a member from the board of education made insulting statements about how I choose to organize my back pack. Whilst that was going on the sherriff had went to my house and decided to barge in without a warrent and turn my room upside down looking for bombs. As if a kid in sixth grade would have the resources and ability to manufacture explosive devices.

 My back has been screwed up from that year to this point, after a kid assaulted me in the restroom and picked me up and slung me against the wall. Naturally I was blamed for it. Guess that is part of why I am screwed up.

 After I got to the high school things improved, but I still had anxiety, and nightmares. Before eigth grade my brother was killed in a car accident. He was the only one I could go to and talk to about things of this nature and feel better. I will never forget standing there in the hospital seeing my brother laying on that table, dead, blood covered, and bruised. It still haunts me in my dreams to this day. I have flashbacks to that and other horrible events. So after the stress was too much my mother pulled me out of school and home schooled me. As always that improved things, but nothing has ever been good for long in my case. Please don't take that statement too literally.

 For a while I was thinking heavily about it. I was put on trazadone by my doc. to help with my depression. I decided to take the entire bottle with intentions to kill myself. Well I was almost successful. My mother found me on the floor and made me vomit. I am thankful for her concern, but not thankful for the action. Though now I have no motivation to kill myself, I have no motivation to live. I infact welcome the thought of death. I am not a religious individual (please no debates on such) and the thought of my concious being snuffed out forever is almost morbidly appealing to me.

 I had started cutting myself for a while, but I stopped. When my depression flares up sometimes I slip up and do take the blade to my arms. Though I hate myself even more than normal because of such. The stress was so much I started smoking. (Please do not lecture me on how I should quit).

 I have a gnawing feeling at my gut that no one will read this and give a damn, but I guess this is one of those times, where for no reason I just ignore my gut instinct.

 

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It sounds like you've been through a lot. I have felt like you feel more times than I care to remember, but with the right meds, you can feel a LOT better. Prozac isn't the end-all-be-all of psych meds for depression and neither is trazadone. There are many other meds out there but you didn't indicate how many you've tried. Is your doctor a psychiatrist? And do you see a therapist?

 

I'm not criticizing you personally, but in the future please use paragraph breaks with plenty of white space when you post. A lot of us have attention problems, and for us it is very difficult to read a wall of text with no breaks.

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Wanted to let you know I read what you wrote, and that I am really sorry for all the shit you've been through.

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

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IIRC, 20 milligrams is the starter dose for Prozac...but if it gave you no 'bump' at all in mood, then I kinda doubt jacking the dose would help.

Nonetheless, why you are still on a starter dose after almost a year with no improvement is a good question.

Zoloft, of all the SSRI's, is supposed to be better for PTSD...

...it's a part of my balanced pill menu...mmm...

Do note that we have a PTSD board here, too. PTSD, the gift that keeps on fuckin' giving...* gaaah*

I don't hate you for getting smoky or slicey...especially not the slicey part...I'd be a hypocrite.

I hope you can find less damaging ways to get through, but that is not my circus and not my monkeys.

EMDR therapy might help with the intrusive memories, but you don't have anyone to talk to in real life about this...a few good friends would be awfully helpful.

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