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I am very close to blowing my 6th day. My hands are shaking, my insides are quivering I am at work.

I dont want to use, but I am really fucking close.

I cant seem to come up with any reasons why I shouldnt.

I know there are reasons but they are not strong enough right now.

Need some help, can you give me some reasons, some sort of tool to distract myself.

Or yell at me or shame me. I dont care, i just need to get past this moment.

Something I gotta make to 7 I gotta

Fuck!

Sorry, I am such a piece of shit, this should be easy, yet I cant ever get it right.

This came out of left field, not strong enough yet

Edited by dragonfly23
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Yes you are  strong  enough.  I don't think there are many people around on CB just yet, so I'm here to listen.

 

You don't want this monkey on your back any more.

 

Grab something solid like a desk or a doorway and take a  couple of very deep breaths.

Think about a  good place you've been in the past---the beach, a garden---someplace warm and sunny  and welcoming.

When you feel a little less shaky, go get a glass of water and drink some.

 

6 days is a very good thing, and I know you can make it to 7.  I won't shame you because I've had to kick some habits that really turned me inside out and made me feel like crap. 

 

You're brave to even attempt this.  I know you can do it.

 

Keep writing.  I'll stick around and keep this window open if you need to vent.

 

With love and support,

olga

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Stop focusing on 7 and concentrate on today.  All you have to do is stay clean today.  Distraction, distraction, distraction.  Is there a complicated project you can focus in on at work?  When you get home can you immediately get out of the house and walk off the heebiejeebies?  I know what that skin crawling craving feeling is like and you CAN get through it, but you've got to work at it.  These early days suck, I know, but whatever you think of them, AA and NA have it right when they say one day at a time.

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I feel so twitchy and bad, I know it would fix that, I know it.   Its like a million degrees cold outside.  Sorta trapped and of course I have what I need to use.  I cant get rid of it,  My safety.

 

Stupid brain, needs to leave me alone.  I know what I want,  but I dont know if my brain wins again.   I am gonna think about being brave,  brave doesnt mean no fear. 

 

 

bit off all my finger nails.    distraction, I am gonna start counting things. Chairs, computers, desks, phones.  reems of paper.

 

Thank you for your reponses, I am not alone.  I never do well alone.

I want to be done so bad I am crying.

 

Fucking bullshit

this fucking hurts

Edited by dragonfly23
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better,  breathing, people coming into the office,  grounding myself..............I hope this waive has passed for now.  I need to be normal, be normal at work.

 

 

stop shaking,  I am gonna go alphabitize stuff, pull out closed files, pull all the paperclips from the files, I hate paperclips in the files everything gets caught on them.

 

Thanks to both of you,   I seem to be calming down, urge is there but manageable.

 

just today I am not gonna use, hoping anyway.

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Breathing is good.  Pulling the paper clips from the files is a brilliant idea---repetitive and it's a motion.  Motion helps me.

 

You can get through today.  I'll check  in here in a little while, and I think Mia is still around.

 

olga

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Today is all that matters right now.  Tomorrow you can think about leaving the vicodin at home, but you only need to worry about that tomorrow. Stay in the moment, keep breathing.

 

Are you getting any f2f help with this?

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I'm not going to lecture, just say that I know from personal experience that coming off opiates can be a complete bitch, and cold turkeying it on your own is really hard.  In an ideal world you need medical monitoring and assistance with prn's to help with the creepy crawlies.  I don't know your full circumstances, so won't say anything more other than I strongly encourage you to talk to your pdoc about it.  The relief of not doing it on your own is huge, and in getting to day 6 you've already shown that you're serious about quitting.

 

In the meantime, we're always here to listen and support.  Hang in there, and remember to be kind to yourself through all this.

Edited by MiaB
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Hey

Just reading this now. Sending support. You are amazing to make it this far. You are amazing to attempt this.

You are doing some great things to distract yourself. Just concentrate on today. If one day at a time is too much, just take it an hour at a time. Or five minutes at a time.

Think of your trees.

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Way to go on 6, dragonfly. 7 may be a motivating number, but I think what the others have said is correct: just focus on today. On right now. Distractions are a big help, as they said. If you can find some way to avoid stress, I find that also helps tremendously. Sometimes just one little thing can send you over the edge. In an ideal world, you'd be able to surmount that with ease, but with substance abuse, it's an all-too-easy excuse. I fall for it all the time.

I am awaiting the results of a blood test today, and I am on pins and needles because a liver function test is part of it. If I don't pass, I don't get the medication. Funny how it's the lack of medication I'm really worried about. I only mention it because you are not the only one struggling. I just want you to know you are not alone. Addiction is a bitch.

Sending you strength, love, and hugs,

Flash

Edited by Flash
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I am awaiting the results of a blood test today, and I am on pins and needles because a liver function test is part of it. If I don't pass, I don't get the medication. Funny how it's the lack of medication I'm really worried about. I only mention it because you are not the only one struggling. I just want you to know you are not alone. Addiction is a bitch.

 

Good Luck Flash,  I know you have been struggling,  I hope a million hopes that your liver is good and you can try to get the right cocktail.  (not that kind of cocktail)( alcoholic humour)

you deserve better than how you have been feeling.

 

sending you strength back

Edited by dragonfly23
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Hey dragonfly.

I know this crawling-out-of-my-skin feeling. It's awful.

 

Like you I quit opiates on my own (albeit with a public health nurse coming to the house every so often to make sure I was doing things like not starving to death in my confusion). It's really hard, and you're in the thick of it. It will get easier. 

 

Maybe, instead of carrying temptation around with you, you can lock it up somewhere (or get your husband to hide it) to put it a bit further out of reach?
When it gets really hard again can you go outside even if it's just for 30 seconds? Sometimes I find that the cold helps me reset a bit. 

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I can leave it at home,  I shouldnt have had any with me,  I thought I had ate them already.   Hubby doesnt know.  only Pdoc.............sigh, ....I weave tangled webs.

 

I took an ativan , which is how Pdoc wants me to handle it for now.  And yes I have had addiction issues with benzo's but he has given me ativan and for whatever reason, it just works, doesnt shut me down or get me high, so I have been very good with them.

 

Feeling like i can do it again.   I always pretended that if I stopped for 5 days I was detoxed, guess not.  Need a bit more time under my belt.

 

Thanks for all the loving support.  Not feeling alone with this is immensly helpfull.

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I remember from rehab that the coke addicts detoxed really fast (within 5 days), but that opiate withdrawal was a longer, harder road.  I've just taken my night meds so can't think of a profound scientific reason for this, but I'm sure there must be one. 

 

Weaving tangled webs of lies is awfully exhausting (speaking from direct experience).  Perhaps no longer having that in your life can act as an additional motivation for you.  As we're already said here, keep going a minute at a time if necessary, focus on today only and distract the crap out of yourself.

Edited by MiaB
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