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Hello all. I wrote in the anxiety section earlier. Just realized I should have posted my story here first.

I've been dealing with various levels of anxiety and depression since I was a child. I have had trichotillomania (hair pulling) since I was 9. I am now 38. I suffered an pretty severe 3 + year bout of depression after giving birth to my son 10 years ago. But nothing has compared to what in going through now. I'm in a living hell and need some relief.

In mid October I stopped sleeping. Total insomniac. Then I went to pick up the only lorazepam brand that I have been able to tolerate the beginning of December (ranbaxy) and found out it is no longer available. Ugh. I tried 4 otter brands including name brand Ativan and they all seemed to spin me out and make me hyper and scattered.

On December 18th things went south. I suddenly felt very detached. My mind became racy and I started panicking. I was thrown into a state of depersonalization/derealizarion (feeling detached from reality, but being aware of it) and have gotten progressively worse since.

I've been detached, my personality is gone, stomach issues, my body and mind are stuck in a "fight or flight" state- feeling horrible anxiety 24/7, can't concentrate on anything (conversations, tv, reading) I can't eat, I can't sleep, and when I do fall asleep for a moment, I'm awaken by night terrors. I pop up sweating, heart beating out of my chest and the "pit of doom" feeling in my stomach (I have this all day all night) it's horrible. And I have vertigo which seems to blend in with the depersonalization.

After Christmas I checked myself into a psych hospital, but nobody there knew what to do or say about the derealization/ depersonalization and vertigo.

I am currently on, and had already been on, 75 mg zoloft, 22.5 mg remeron, 25 mg geodon ( I have the 5 mg compounded) and a VERY small dose (100 mg) of liquid lithium citrate- VERY sensitive to medications.

I have noticed that when I take all these meds at night, around 5, about 2 hours later I get a little relief (not a lot, but some) Things calm down a bit, but at midnight, like clockwork, all symtoms return and I'm up all night with intermittent night terrors and severe anxiety. My legs, arms and jaw are tense and hurt. My stomach is in knots.

While in the hospital we thought to try the meds during the day too, but sadly this didn't work. Also tried to add trazadone for sleep, but my blood pressure skyrocketed and it didn't seem to help with my stubborn insomnia.

We also tried to add 25 mg mg of seroquel. 12.5 mg at 5 pm the next 12.5 at 8 pm. Didn't help. May have made my symtoms worse.

I saw my pdoc yesterday and he told me to try seroquel again. so I just took 25 mg and hour and a half ago, but nothing. Anxiety through the roof and I'm not sleepy :(

I had an episode similar to this, but not nearly as severe, 5 years ago. At the time I was only on zoloft and geodon. After 4 months into the state and many trial and error meds, I was put on remeron. Although symtoms were by no means gone, I got my sleep back and my appetite. This was the beginning of a slow recovery.

But now I'm back and worse than ever. I need to sleep so bad, but can't. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just can't take this feeling anymore.

Another thing is that I almost always react adversely to meds which makes things hard. All sleep meds wire me. Benzos even wire me. Ugh. I just want this to stop. Is there hope for me? Will this ever go away? It feels like im going to be stuck like this forever:( I'm so scared. I'm sitting here now, after the seroquel feeling complete anxiety and not tired. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't function. My husband has had to take off work to be with me and take care of our son. I'm worried this is going to keep going and he's going to get burnt out and leave me. And I can tell my son is weirded out by me:(

I just want to find something that helps like the remeron did 5 years ago. I need a break.

I've read Anafrinil is a good possibly for derealization/depersonalization, but I don't think I can take it because I'm already on 2 seretonin drugs, zoloft and remeron and there's the seritonin syndrome issue. I believe this is what happened to me in the hospital when we added trazadone.

Any advice, help or encouragement is greatly appreciated. Am I going to be this way forever?

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. I wish I had some advice on the medicine situation, but I do know how badly the depersonalization can derail your life. I do think that there's hope that this will NOT be this way forever- you were able to come out of this once before years ago.

I keep a (almost constant, sometimes) diary of my symptoms and feelings when I am feeling out of my self- I write back and forth to "myself" and this seems to help ground me sometimes. I keep external stimulus to an absolute minimum, for me the constant reminder that I am not connecting to reality (especially trying to talk to people) makes it feel even worse, so I avoid it when I can. Sometimes listening to music helps me. I know these are all very easily said- but when anxiety has its grip on you it is not easy to do them. I try to take advantage of even the briefest of moments when anxiety is at an 8 and not a 10.

I hope this is in any way helpful- at the very least know that you are not alone and that you were strong enough to get through this before. I wish you strength again.

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Welcome to Crazyboards, Britton.  I think you will probably get more responses to you questions about meds in the Anxiety forum or in the medication forums.

 

I hope our members can offer you some support and advice.  I'm glad you found us.

 

olga

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Hello and Welcome to Crazyboards!

 

Like olga said, I think you will get more feedback if you post in the Anxiety Forum or Sleep Disorders Forum.  What you're going through sounds really tough and I hope you'll find some answers here.

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