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My 2005 December Depressions

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Hi NBM, welcome!

Wow, glad to meet someone else who likes the winter storms in Sacto! I lived there for about a year, twenty years ago. I too loved the winter storms with wind, rain and fog.  They seemed to give perspective to the town and make everything normal size in dimensions. 

One of my favorite memories is of shopping for a pair of mahogony color Tony Llama cowboy boots in a November storm (I know, this has nothing to do with anything).  It seemed like the storm raged all around us while we went around in a protective bubble.

I'm not much in a Christmas mood either.  Listening to CNN a little while ago, my ears pricked up when they said two weeks to Xmas. Gosh, I haven't bought a single thing for anyone.  I don't listen to the music either, it is just too sad.

Hang in there,


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OK! I'll share one of my favorite Birds I see about 40% of the time out of the year. (Which they randomly choose to be around out of the year.)  So that leaves me 60% of other parts of the year they stay at a distance and not always around.  I see them at work, when I drive a ...  'Driving Range Golfball Picker-Upper Cart' on the Driving Range.  They are a type of Plover Spiece Birds, called 'Killdeers'

I see this Forum Board will not allow my image.  It's an Avatar Picture of a Killdeer Bird I saved.  I guess one can look at the link then (?)


These birds almost seem like I can almost be their friends.  They are kind of friendly and funny.  I will be driving the ... 'Golfball Picker-Upper Cart' on unexpected times when they decide to want to forage the Driving Range.  They let me get as close as 15 to 10 feet of them, before they start running away from me.  They make Beeeepping Sounds for the excelleration of their moods about as such.  Because they already do the Beeeepping Chirps, without me around, but it occurs more frequently when they are stirred to run around more often.  Sometimes when I'm not going directly at them, they will even let me get as close as 5 feet to them, before they decide to run and walk away from me.  And then I look at them and nood my head at them and then they will bob their heads right back at me ... (As if they where greeting me this ... "Hi! How Are You?  Nice to see you!" I almost think of it as their saying ... "I'm your friend!" kind of thing.)  And they have a means only to give me temporary enjoyment and delight at the time I have these encounters with them. 

  But other than that.  I get dismayed as to this life not having other things that will make my life delightful, for such other things I like and have to contend with.

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My Thoughts this Morning ....

(In fact, I decided to make it my Signiture ...) ...

When I try to notice the Infinity of this Universe. I see time here on this Earth doesn't give some of the Best and Good things of Life, the respect to Live Longer for what it can be worth in its Subtle ways. There isn't Life to the Mountians and Contentants that have Millions Of Years to shift and move in its ways, so the choice to get this view of ourselves is taken without respect.  This Universe for doing this Earth Is Evil! If chemistry is trying out a Cognition for Life (?) Why?! The glismps of it isn't enought Time!

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With so much of there being a lack of cooperation toward being able to accomplish some of ambitions.  Apathy and a Dead Brain is what I seem to be at now.  I could do what I would like, but I don't get the thoughts and ambition to do them now.  Figures!  It's more like a busy work week for me and it isn't being normal endurance to it.  It's being an irritation.  The weather I like is being half of what I like and want, but it teases where it will not be more than half of it being the way I like it and want it to be.  And such teasing is irritating.  There is some Fog, (For which I like!), but the Afternoons the Sun still shows itself.  I hate that!

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I like animals myself. I like cats in particular. Animals don't have all the complex things to consider and weigh all the time that we do, but they're here on Earth with us and have a lot of the same feelings. When I have a cat purring in my lap, it's just so nice.

I went out a few weeks ago on a Sunday to a big graveyard in Cambridge -- lots of hills and trees with paths criss-crossing everywhere, and a tower at the top where you can look at the Boston skyline. Not too many people are there, especially in the Fall, but there were a couple guys with cameras taking pictures of the birds. I went and talked to one guy and he showed me pictures of a red-tailed hawk he's tracked through the area, and some pictures of foxes playing in the cemetery. I left and went my way, looked at tombstones, looked out at the city, and wrote a bit. It was really peaceful. I think I know what you like about rainy days.

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I like your question about grey and black. I had to think about it, and I still don't know which is more dreary.

It's odd that just yesterday I was thinking about the reasons most people repress many ideas before they enter consciousness. Stop reading now if you're not interested in my long-winded psychological rants.

I think it goes like this: people gain their most stable sense of identity through the roles they play with other people. We look to people in our lives to compare our thoughts, and to formulate our opinions about the world. Relationships are so important that we learn to often keep our thinking within a fair bounds of others' viewpoints (depending on the relationship). It's hard to remain on good terms with someone if you are living in a completely different reality, so in the world of interacting people, we learn to consider our own ideas balanced against those of others and seek compromise in our ideas and beliefs, because to do otherwise results in what psychologists refer to as cognitive dissonance. When we do not share the same view as another, we either seek to reconcile our views or we stop engaging with that person, to avoid psychological discomfort.

The most powerful role, because it is the first learned, is that of the child, the dependent. In this role, entirely disengaging with the parent(s) or caretaker(s) is not an option. And so it is that caretakers form the foundation of our system of thinking, what Freud called the superego. We cannot afford to disagree too much with our caretakers when we are young, so we end up taking on most of their beliefs and values as a simplistic framework for reality. (We also adopt some beliefs and values out of observing the conflict between the beliefs and values of our caregivers.) This is one reason Jewish children growing up in Brooklyn don't become Muslim fundamentalists in their teens. Not all beliefs are as big as religious ideology though. Someone growing up on a farm in a rural will be exposed to different beliefs and values than someone growing up in Manhattan and whose father is a Wall Street trader.

This process of reality-forming from the superego of the family of origin is gradually extended onto increasing number of roles outside the family, and the dynamics change as one becomes less dependent on other individuals and more interdependent. The authority of the parents and the dynamics of relationships with siblings and extended family are transferred into new roles -- peers, friends, teachers, employers, romantic interests, lovers, partners, children, and all the rest. The formation of the self continues to draw on the competing beliefs and values of the culture, which is the growing extension of the superego, but primary relationships like family still hold the greatest sway over one's reality forming.

In this way, the majority of people are tightly bound by overlapping cultural realities that converge in their immediate family. Everyone in the family is exposed to a different set of beliefs and values, since they belong to different generations, are different genders, have different life stories. But within the family, roles determine how far individuals can deviate from shared beliefs and values. So the family ends up sharing a huge number of cultural beliefs and values. Similar forces pressure clans, communities, towns, and nations to share certain beliefs and values. At the level of a nation, there are some beliefs and values that are so common to the population that most people don't even consider them beliefs and values, but simply "The Truth". And so it is within a family, for smaller truths.

Beliefs and concepts don't all come from past generations, obviously. New ideas are constantly coming to all of us all the time. We're human, that's what we do. If an idea comes along that may make things easier, we give it a try, and if it works well, we may end up passing the idea along. Some ideas are big, like agriculture or the internet, and some ideas are small, like mixing honey into milk (a good idea). But if an idea has no relationship to the system of beliefs and values that we are part of -- our cultural nexus point in the social network -- we often discard it. Most people have wacky ideas throughout the day, some of which manage to enter consciousness long enough to be noticed before being dismissed as absurd. The first judge deciding which ideas are worth considering and which are rubbish is the superego -- the collective wisdom of all the authority figures, teachers, and other people whose ideas we've accepted (willingly or not) in our lifetime. For the normative person, this is a lot of people in a tight network, meaning that there are a lot of Truths in there, providing overarching beliefs about reality, like religion, science, or class values. New ideas are filtered and the ones considered worthy of consideration are ones which do not go strongly against those of the powerful superego.

And then there are outliers. People whose superego is not so strong, for a huge variety of reasons which we can neatly sum up as "dysfunctional family". If, for whatever reason, there was less need for an individual to fall in line with as many beliefs and ideas in their caretakers, or their family of origin, this person would develop in a more independent way. The filter allowing ideas in for consideration or dismissing them as absurd would let a lot more ideas in. When considering ideas, the more numerous values of the culture would have greater weight against the values of the family, and in fact the person's cultural identity might be less solid, allowing them to consider ideas from other cultures which might conflict with that of their caretakers.

The extension of such a personality trait -- being receptive to a wider range of beliefs and values, with a broader set of realities with which to consider these ideas -- is the original thinker. Original thinkers are our creatives, our geniuses, and our insane. Because these are the outcomes of thinking without the safety net of social reality. The door is opened to see things in a new way, solve a problem others hadn't seen to solve, and to possibly see reality in a way no one else ever has. But step too far from cultural reality and you might get outside of all cultural realities. What psychologists naively call "out of touch with reality," as if there were only one consensual reality out there. While independent thinkers may be visionary and potentially lead to huge insights and creative bursts that change the course of the whole social world, stepping outside consensual realities is also dangerous, as all people rely on the interdependence of society to survive, and people are psychologically uncomfortable around someone who is in an entirely different reality.

Some notable original thinkers are Gandhi, Jesus, Henry David Thoreau, J.S. Bach, Vincent Van Gogh, Leanoardo Da Vinci, Abraham Lincoln, William Shakespeare, Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison, Joan of Arc, and Adolf Hitler.

There are no notable collective thinkers. They're the majority.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The end of December and the end of 2005 year.  What seems to Depress me more now is that it seems I can't make my life be the way I want and see those younger years of mine, having to have been the Past.  And not getting what I have been wanting my life to be now.

The Month of December is ending more like the Weather I like.  But it seems like it's only here because it has to.  Not to help me feel better about it.  But clouds and rain have to have their time, and now is that time.  As for what others would account for.  And people usually accept it around the seasons, holidays and special times.

I'm seeing my weather today.  But the next problem is how do I do the million and one things that have been suppressed to do for this time?  Isn't enough time to get into so much and its being an Anxiety stress factor now.  Such an Anxiety and stress factor that I'm stiff and can't decide what I like to do now when my kind of weather comes, only on special and reluctant days that keeps me holding my breath for, now only leaves me exhausted like.  Then being able to do what I want to do. 

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I like the weather for a lot of reasons.  I like it cooler.  And usually I like it cooler, for the idea of that which stimulates me for looking for warmth from the cold.  Now if I can't find that stimulation of warmth from the cold, then the cold can be annoying also.  But Life floreshes from such actually.  That is what is really happening in Spring time.  When plants and so much is blooming.  That which is being warmed up from the cold.  But the thing I hate about other people's desires for Spring is just the warm and Sunshinning in mind, for which that it gets to be too much.  Spring is only good when the warmth is up to 70 and then I like to see the cold again. And I don't want to see the Sun Shinning!  Spring in most cases and with others is it just keeps going up and staying too warm. 

I also like the idea if I wasn't seeing so many people.  If clouds and rain helps in that manner.  I just think it's more of a bonus, but not the ultimate reason for it.

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  • 6 months later...

I got believing we where facing "Global Warming". But as I tried to find more News from hopeful Experts. Some where denying "Global Warming" as a Hoax. Some of the Experts think that it's a very minor normal thing, but that consumerism of this world isn't making the world get into this extreme as "Global Warming".

It's Depressing me that I have to find people liking Hot Weather and I have to put up with this self fulfilling desires of popularity! ;)

This was my Thread back in December 2005 and now it is July 2006. And if the United States isn't all having Hotter Weather this year. Why does it seem to me like so much ignorant people are going about with this?

OK! It's July and that it just has to be trying to break Hotter Temperatures, because people like to see it do that and not face the idea that "Global Warming" is real, but that its hysteria by some groups of people.

What ever! I am tired of this "HOT WEATHER"! I want it "COLD!"

Right now I'm finding this Hot Weather trying to drill itself into me from keeping me from doing things and I was almost trying to overcome my Depression a bit from my Anti-Anxiety Medication, when it seems to be trying to work its mean Hotterness in at me right now.

Hotter and Hotter and Hotter without finding relief!

Because I can't excape. So it will do its inimicalness as much as it can.

110 degrees as High and no cooler than 85 in the mornings. And trying to do more days of it than previous years also. I hate it above 70 Degrees!

If I had to do with a Power outage, my place would get to 130 degrees without Air-Conditioning.

The trend is like it wants to go this way from a Universal "Evil" happening here to me.

With Air-Conditioning, I guess I'm lucky to have it 85 or 88 degrees as low as it can get it at the time. But I'm not quite comfortable with it for doing anything with life, but be ...

"D E P R E S S E D" ! Must be my "Fate"?

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