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Need some advice - intimacy, anxiety and lack of feelings


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Hello all.

 

I would like some more personalised advice on what I should do. I have previously consulted a psychologist, which wasn't that much of a sucess.

 

In very short: I met a guy whom I trust completely, as the only one. We've shared our stories and are both quite broken. I care extremely much about him, and I want to try a relationship with him (he has already said he's interested). But I'm scared. I started getting seriously stressed out, last time I was in a relationship. Last time, I had an anxiety attack and my immune system fell so much I was almost consistently sick. I don't feel anything when kissing, and when I'm about to have sex, my body starts stressing out, I get very scared and most of all want to curl myself up in a corner.

 

We have a fantastic friendship going on at the moment. I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice?

 

 

Background story (which I try to keep short):
I grew up with a very ill mother (sclerosis, a slow breakdown of the nervous system), and has thus lived with a constant flow of nurses in my house. My mum told me that her goal was to survive until I was confirmated (age 13). She suceeded. My mental health had at this point already started degrading. Around the age of 12, I started getting a ton of self-esteem issues. This escalated over the years, especially after my group of "friends" decided to totally isolate me around the age of 13. Then, I wasn't worthy of their company, I wasn't worthy of feeling good, I wasn't worthy of my mothers love. I had no energy whatsoever, cried on a regular basis, felt either depressed or nothing at all, started cutting and started having suicide thoughts. While this was going on, I kept up a camouflage. My parents couldn't know. They had enough to worry about. If I could be perfect, my mum would be happier.

At the age of 16, I started high-school. My depression disappeared temporarily, and I felt absolutely wonderful for a couple of months. Then it all came back. With my new friends, I would laugh, dance and be full of life. On the inside, I sometimes felt nothing at all - sometimes like I was going to break into pieces. And sometimes, my body would start stressing out by shaking, when I was together with many people. My chest would (and did the previous years, too) feel like it was being crushed. I started to get ticks. At home, I started cutting. Ran desperately away from my home on several occasions to get away from all the nurses and all the stress, ultimately to collapse in the nature somewhere.

 

When the suicide thoughts wouldn't leave my mind, I finally gave up my camouflage and told my parents how I felt. My dad didn't believe me, while my mum cared so much she told our doctor.

Talked with my doctor, was diagnosed with emotional stress. I started seeing a psychologist. After 8 months, I DID feel much better. The depression had disappeared and the symtoms of the emotional stress had lessened greatly.

 

I can't, however, feel as much anymore. I don't really feel sorrow. I can't miss a person anymore. I don't care about most of my friends. I can't feel anything in the situations, where my body stresses out, unless the anxiety follows. I don't feel anything when kissing someone.

 

My mum died when I was 18. I was over it 1-2 days later. 1½ years after my menstrual cyclus/hormonal balance started to stabilize for the first time.

 

I started university and initiated my first relationship. I had some feelings for the guy the first week. The next few months he, in my head, was my tool to get experience romantically. As said previously, I had an anxiety attack a couple of hours after our first date. My body became so stressed out in these months, my immune system deteriorated. He fingered me two times, where I was shaking a lot, felt scared and wanted to curl myself up in the corner or flee. I forced myself to give him a blowjob because I was so tired of my own reactions, that I figured I had to force myself through it, to get over it.

 

I've been let down on several occasions over the years, both by my "friends", my teacher and my parents. It's extremely difficult for me to trust people.

 

And now I have this mentally intimate friendship with this great guy, who makes me feel much safer and relaxed than anyone ever has. He can relate to a lot of the problems I have, and has his own little collection. As said in the beginning: I'm afraid the romantic relationship will trigger my anxiety and stress and destroy everything we ever had. On the other hand, I can't imagine anyone better at helping me deal with this issue. So, any advice?

Edited by Camouflage
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I lost my feelings for a few months last year. My case is different because I've been with my bf since October 2012. So it's not new. However, the same thing happened a few weeks after we started dating. I told him about it the second time, but the first time I didn't tell him because I didn't tell him I was MI at that point. 

 

The first time, I just stuck with the relationship, told myself it was right because I trusted him and he didn't gross me out (humans and their skin and bodily fluids gross me out) and eventually regained my feelings again.

 

While I did feel comfortable with him and I trusted him and enjoyed being around him, social interaction was not something I was comfortable with and it took a lot out of me. So there was also a lot of anxiety. What did help was only seeing him once a week (we'd text in between dates). However, only seeing him once a week for a few hours allowed me to recover the rest of the week. I feel that if we would've seen each other multiple times a week (like many couples do), it would've gone a lot differently. And it would've been too overwhelming and stressful. 

 

He's a pretty understanding guy (not MI or psych major, so he gets things wrong sometimes). Anyways, I tried to explain the lack of feelings as best as I could. That while I did have feelings for him, I didn't have them at the moment. I'd spend the entire day questioning our relationship. I was very distant so there wasn't much cuddling. Around the same time my sex drive became non-existent so sex wasn't the same. A lot of the time I just wasn't comfortable. I wanted sex but at the same time I didn't. Body vs. mind sort of thing. 

 

So take it slow and talk it out. 

Edited by iaawal
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Relationships are so hard (for me)  Its a great topic if you do therapy or group.   Be honest and talk.   I think no matter what you do - telling him how your interested but its not simple would be good.   Hopefully he will understand and go about things in a thoughtful way and who knows?   Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

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