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Hi, I've had a totally shitty year, and had fairly severe depression for most of it. Its worst stage was last May/June, when I was having serious suicidal thoughts for the first time in my thirtysomething years, and ended up in hospital for a few days.

I then achieved a lovely (though not full) remission on a combination of fluoxetine and olanzapine last July. But that only lasted four weeks. Since then, I've been on various combos, most recently Effexor with the olanzapine. I've just tapered off the Effexor and started moclobemide (a so-called reversible MAOI), and I feel awful.

The suicidal thoughts that I had earlier this year are coming back with a vengeance. They're not exactly "voices", but it's as if they're telling me just to end it, to stop struggling, that it's not worth continuing this endless cycle of meds and dissappointment.

My partner is going to leave me - I know that for sure. He is beyond being able to withstand living with a severely depressed person who never wants sex. We sleep in separate rooms. We'll have to sell our lovely house, farm out our cats to friends. I love him, but we can't go on with this misery. If only I could magically become non-depressed, we might have a chance, but I know now that's not going to happen.

I've started looking on the internet again at sources of lethal meds. Apparently [edit] is a fairly foolproof method. I hate myself for doing this, and I hate the bastards who make money from selling the stuff on the web. I'm sure they've enabled many people to commit suicide, although the drugs are supposed to be used for pain relief.

I hate myself for feeling like this. I've no patience with myself anymore. It's coming up to Christmas, and I feel so removed from the joy, the partying etc....I don't feel I'm even depressed ABOUT anything anymore, I just have a horrible uncontrollable fog of blackness and anxiety inside....

I would gladly have ECT, but my psych won't give me it. He thinks because I'm able to go into work and function that I'm not a candidate for it. But this is a living hell. I'm barely functional. I don't know what I need to do to show him how seriously depressed I am.

I know I can't even eloquently express my misery, so thank you if you've read this far. I hate myself for posting this rubbish, but I can't think of anything else to do, and am somehow drawn to it.

I just want to be dead, I've no fucking patience with this dreadful misery anymore.

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Guest buspar queen

You are not alone.  Thank you for coming here instead of holding it inside.  We all need to understand, especially docs, that just because someone is functioning doesn't mean they aren't in trouble.  We are here for you.  I wish I had some magic that would make the people around you understand the pain you are in and see the wisdom in rallying around you to support you.

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Andrew,

I will get back and write more later, but just wanted to tell you that the weeks during and after my Effexor withdrawal were utterly horrible. I was also researching suicide methods, alternating between sobbing and feeling cold as a stone, but still going to work.

Do not off yourself yet. This is a drug related reaction. It will pass.

Greeny

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I know I can't even eloquently express my misery, so thank you if you've read this far. I hate myself for posting this rubbish, but I can't think of anything else to do, and am somehow drawn to it.
Fuck eloquence, although you have articulated your misery quite aptly. There are SCADS of us who have been EXACTLY where you are, and you will hear from a lot of them. Please stick around to hear them out--they know what of they speak.

Like Greeny said, "think of the cats."

I was in the hospital same time you were, same reason, finger on the trigger, ready for ECT or whatEVER would relieve my pain. I was switched off my second go round with Prozac and onto Cymbalta, which is working for me. So many more of us than not have been through the hell you're in where medication isn't working and you are out of wherewithall to persist in getting effective treatment, but keep at it. You life is worth the effort. I know you don't believe me, but I'm not the type to blow smoke up anyone's arse.

Please stop hating yourself, and keep posting to us. I'm sorry your relationship is in the shitter, there are also many here among us (ME) who can commiserate with your lovelorn state.

Depression is a MotherF***K*r. I don't know what A&E is, but I know Air Marshall knows his shit, so listen up and take care.

HB

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Hi, I've had a totally shitty year, and had fairly severe depression for most of it. Its worst stage was last May/June, when I was having serious suicidal thoughts for the first time in my thirtysomething years, and ended up in hospital for a few days.

If it's any consolation, Andrew (probably not), 2005 seems to have been the Year of Suck on a global if not cosmological scale for a lot of us.  I know I can absolutely sympathize with you from over here across the Pond.

The suicidal thoughts that I had earlier this year are coming back with a vengeance. They're not exactly "voices", but it's as if they're telling me just to end it, to stop struggling, that it's not worth continuing this endless cycle of meds and dissappointment.
You're characterizing your suicidal thoughts as though they're coming from somewhere besides yourself - and you're absolutely right to do so.  It's the disease talking, and the fact that you can make that distinction, and are not accepting them as your own "logical" thoughts, is a very positive step.  What the voices say is illogical, if you take just a moment to consider it: the statement assumes that every attempt at meds will be a disappointment.  1) the combo last July worked great for a month, therefore meds can work for you; and 2) you cannot know whether or not the statement is true until you have tried all available combinations.  Therefore, continuing to try has a demonstrated possibility of coming up with a combo that will provide relief.  If we may ask, what is your formal diagnosis?

My partner is going to leave me - I know that for sure. He is beyond being able to withstand living with a severely depressed person who never wants sex. We sleep in separate rooms. We'll have to sell our lovely house, farm out our cats to friends. I love him, but we can't go on with this misery. If only I could magically become non-depressed, we might have a chance, but I know now that's not going to happen.

No, you're not going to magically become non-depressed.  But you may medicinally stop feeling depressed.  Now, how do you "know that for sure" that he's leaving?  Has he said so, or are you assuming?  That sounds suspiciously like depression-fatalism-speak again.  I won't say that spouses/partners don't have a rough go of it, and my MI cost me my marriage of ten years, but are you sure it's come to that?

I've started looking on the internet again at sources of lethal meds.
Stop it at once.  I know why you're doing it - I've done it myself.  But don't indulge that feeling.

I hate myself for feeling like this.

Stop that too.  It makes no sense to hate yourself.  You may hate your circumstances, or the way your disease makes you feel, but hating yourself serves no purpose.  Treat your sick self with compassion, and give yourself the courage and support to keep searching for the right treatment - even if it means stepping outside yourself to tend your MI self as though it were a sick child.

I would gladly have ECT, but my psych won't give me it. He thinks because I'm able to go into work and function that I'm not a candidate for it. But this is a living hell. I'm barely functional. I don't know what I need to do to show him how seriously depressed I am.
If necessary, get a second opinion.  You are not obligated to let this man hold your life and well-being in his hands, particularly if he's not listening.

I hate myself for posting this rubbish

The only rubbish you posted is that sentence.

I just want to be dead

I suspect you don't.  I suspect what you really want is for the pain to go away, and to feel better.  You can.  The right treatment is out there.  Keep searching, and keep writing to us.

Cerberus

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hey there,

Everyone who has posted, especially our lovely Cerberus ;) , knows what they are talking about. 

I can sympathize in that I, too, went through a horrible time during my Effexor withdrawal phase....  also, the feelings.  Feeling... *being* depressed and suicidal is something i would never wish on my worst enemy.  Knowing what it is like to live like that... and, as the doc said as the excuse for you not receiving ECT, you can function... or at least mediocrely enough to fool an outsider when really you are truly barely functional, just no one cares to notice.  When that is the criteria that doctors go by, it sometimes makes it very difficult, I find it anyway, to explain the depth of the emotion you are feeling if they see you as "fuctional."

Keep writing.  Many of us can understand where you are coming from... understand very very well.  As Cerberus said, the right treatment is out there, so dont lose hope.  I know all too well how easy it is to just forget the finding the right treatment can open up a whole new world.....

Stay with us... please... post as much as you need if it makes you feel better, seriously

be well,

Ophelia

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NOTE: sorry, I've messed up with the quotes in this post, and can't work out how to get them to display properly - and I work as a web producer! [fixed: A.M.]

Thanks so much for all your replies. I feel a little less alone. It's good to know that Crazy Boards is still going strong, after the recent disruptions

I will get back and write more later, but just wanted to tell you that the weeks during and after my Effexor withdrawal were utterly horrible.

Do not off yourself yet. This is a drug related reaction. It will pass.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I hadn't considered that my suicidal thoughts might be connected with Effexor withdrawal. I was only on it for six weeks (going up to 225mg) before tapering off. I decided with my psych that it wasn't showing any signs of working well, but now I wonder if that was the wrong decision, as I feel considerably worse now....I also didn't want to risk never being able to come off a drug that wasn't helping much (which it wasn't), and wanted to avoid the sexual side fx getting worse (no libido and functioning), as that wasn't helping my relationship. Greeny - I'd greatly appreciate any more you could tell me about your Effexor withdrawal - how long did it last?

So now I'm trying moclobemide and feeling absolutely horrible. It's not helped by reading on the web a couple of references in discussion groups to increased depression on it! My head is swimming and I can't concentrate at work, or even on typing this....

Knowing what it is like to live like that... and, as the doc said as the excuse for you not receiving ECT, you can function... or at least mediocrely enough to fool an outsider when really you are truly barely functional, just no one cares to notice.
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I hadn't considered that my suicidal thoughts might be connected with Effexor withdrawal. I was only on it for six weeks (going up to 225mg) before tapering off. I decided with my psych that it wasn't showing any signs of working well, but now I wonder if that was the wrong decision, as I feel considerably worse now....I also didn't want to risk never being able to come off a drug that wasn't helping much (which it wasn't), and wanted to avoid the sexual side fx getting worse (no libido and functioning), as that wasn't helping my relationship. Greeny - I'd greatly appreciate any more you could tell me about your Effexor withdrawal - how long did it last?

Just in case Greeny is otherwise occupied, out buying my Christmas present, I'm sure. Prowl around the Depression boards, or do a search for Effexor withdrawal and you will get a bunch of posts, my own included about what you can expect from this delightful adventure.

I am absolutely sure that my partner of ten years will leave me. We haven't had a physical relationship for months now (thought all that came back during my month of remission), and he has said a number of times that he has no patience left for me and that I'm "wallowing in it". This hurts me so much, as all I want is to feel better, and for our relationship to recover. We had a horrible argument last night, and now he is saying we should spend a few days apart. Neither of us really has anywhere to go, and he says he might check into a B&B. I don't blame him really. He can't take any more of this pain either.

If you had a relationship recovery during your depression remission, that does not sound hopeless to me. On the other hand (this is my cynical view, because frankly people who love us sometimes piss me off when they act as if all we need do is pull our heads' out of our asses and we won't be depressed anymore) he may want to bail, period, and this is a good and convenient *thing* to blame. If that is the case, it's a whole 'nuther ball game.

Thanks, for giving us an update. Do look up the posts on Effexor withdrawal, it is wretched. Although you may be through the worst of it at this point, and it's just that your new medicine sucks balls. Whatever the case, don't give up.

No one here is allowed to commit suicide, it's in the user agreement. ;)

Hugs,

HB

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Hi, not feeling too good again today. I'm finding it almost impossible to concentrate at work, my head is really swimming, and I feel a strange mixture of tired, anxious and confused.

In the end, my partner didn't go and stay in a B&B, and we managed to be civil to each other at least. I feel really sad that our relationship has come to this. Two years ago, I assumed (I *knew*, in fact we both knew) that we'd be together forever.

Thinking bad thoughts, but I've managed to keep from investigating suicide methods today. I guess I can always do that tomorrow.

Once again, thanks for all your support!

Andrew

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Hi, not feeling too good again today. I'm finding it almost impossible to concentrate at work, my head is really swimming, and I feel a strange mixture of tired, anxious and confused.

In the end, my partner didn't go and stay in a B&B, and we managed to be civil to each other at least. I feel really sad that our relationship has come to this. Two years ago, I assumed (I <i>knew</i>, in fact we both knew) that we'd be together forever.

Thinking bad thoughts, but I've managed to keep from investigating suicide methods today. I guess I can always do that tomorrow.

Once again, thanks for all your support!

Andrew

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Andrew,

What is the status of your next medical appt.? I know you live in the UK, and your health system works differently, but you need not wait (I hope), you are, IMO, very depressed and depression by definition colors everything black. Or, in my case, gun metal grey.  ;)

I'm glad you've stopped surfing the websites about suicide. Trust me, you are NOT lower than the LOWEST anyone has been here. My husband DIED 4 years ago, and I did not kill myself though I wanted to for a long time. Your love life does not sound hopeless! Listen to me, it doesn't. You know in long-term relationships we are constantly negotiating and re-negotiating and BOTH parties say things they mean and things the DONT mean.

Live in today, try to get some help before week's end, and try (I know it's impossible, but even for a brief few minutes), try to to obsess about the demise of your relationship, which hasn't occured yet.

When we're depressed, as you are, so deeply, our perceptions of the past, present, and future just blur into one big distortion, which usually is: fuck this. But your root cause of misery is LIKELY to be organic in nature and you need to be a pitbull about getting the right meds. Turn your depression outward, as oppossed to its current inward state, and point it toward your doctor. Demand, in a nice but firm manner, that he/she do something or you ARE going to jump off the The Grosvenor Bridge (see I know a bit about England, if that's where you are.)  :)

There are hug ninjas on this board, but I'm not one of them.

Hugs, HB

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Thanks HB. Yeah I think the root cause of my depression IS organic in nature. My father is bipolar (if only I could have a hypomanic phase!), and I first had a depressive episode when I was 10 (treated with antidepressants!). Although my latest bought of depression (after about 8 good years) was set off by relationship problems with my partner (he had been depressed for 9 months and had gone on citalopram which strangely made him hypersexual, and I couldn't satisfy his urges). 

My next appointment with my psych is next week - I've to call him on Monday, and wither just talk on the phone, or arrange to meet later in the week. I tried to call him today, but he is away this week....

I've only been on this new drug (moclobemide) for a week, so its unlikely he would change anything. I'd really like to know whether my anxious and confused feelings are being caused by the drug, and whether they're likely to ease off....but then I don't really think my psych would know! i'm also

I think my psych is sick of me coming up with new ideas for treatment from what I've read on the web, like I know better than him. I *don't* think I know more than him, it's just that I'm desperate to find the right treatment and get out of this horrible mind-state....I asked him about Lamictal, which I keep reading really good things about, but all he would say on that was that it was used more for bipolar, and that the evidence for its use in unipolar wasn't great....

I also get the feeling he is sick of me obsessing about sexual side fx of meds. That's one of the reasons for going on the moclobemide - it has just about the lowest sexual side fx risk of any antidepressant. But now I wonder if going on it was a mistake, and whether I should have just stuck with the Effexor and gone on higher dosages. I'm obsessed with all the med choices I've made over the past year, and whether other choices might have worked....

Sorry, I'm rambling. I hate being so self-obsessed!

Thanks again for replying to me - it really helps.

Andrew

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Sorry, I'm rambling. I hate being so self-obsessed!

Thanks again for replying to me - it really helps.

Andrew

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Andrew!

So glad to hear back from you so soon! You know, I think about you off and on all day. Since you are a daily poster, thus far, I wonder how you're doing throughout the day. When we, I think I can speak for all if not many, say we KNOW what it's like, it's true.

And when someone is as low as you are, it makes me appreciate feeling better because I know how much it hurts.

You can post til your fingers fall off, I do! Start your own thread on the Springer Show, peruse to forums if you haven't already. Make yourself at HOME.

Your pdoc sounds like a right wanker if you ask me. I do my research too, and my pdoc appreciates my input. He will occassionally say funny things like, "if you're going to continue to be your own medical investigator, read this..."

You should not be made to feel bad for bringing your well brain to the meeting. You are the client, he is the service provider. How easy is it over thar to switch docs?

Anyway, see I go on at length and I haven't gotten kicked off the boards, yet... ;)

And finally, you only said "hate" one time in this post! You're getting better already! Don't give up.

Hugs,

HB

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Your pdoc sounds like a right wanker if you ask me. I do my research too, and my pdoc appreciates my input. He will occassionally say funny things like, "if you're going to continue to be your own medical investigator, read this..."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well, I don't know if I'd call him a wanker! It's a different system over here with the NHS, and the relationship you have with your psych here is, I think, somewhat different than if you pay him/her as a "client". In some ways, I think I'm lucky to have an experienced consultant (a Professor) with a low case load, rather than a rookie straight out of med school. But I also think it might be an easier relationship with a psych that I paid, rather than having a more old-fashioned "parental" doctor/patient relationship.

He did say something about consulting colleagues if I "wasn't better by the end of the year", ie. now. But I think actually changings docs would be difficult.

Anyway, I guess I've just got to persevere with this new med (moclobemide), to see if things get better both in terms of the depression and the side effects. It's got something of a reputation as a mild and not very effective anti-D, but in a meta-analysis of studies it comes out equal to the old tricyclics and slightly more efficacious than SSRIs. So maybe it has a chance of doing something!

Anyway, thanks again for posting, I hope I'll be able to return the favour for someone in the future.

Andrew

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Andrew,

Last year, at exactly this time, I was right there with you. I swallowed my last dose of Effexor on Christmas Eve. Looking back through my notes, it was in February that the last of the Effexor suckage finally disappeared. The Effexor was replaced with Wellbutrin, and Zoloft was added into the Wellbutrin in March. The combination has been very effective. Not 100%, but damn close.

If my memory is correct, Wellbutrin is not prescribed much in the UK. But, you can get the same thing under its Zyban name for a smoking cessation aid. It might be worth a chat with your doc. (Very low incidence of sexual side effects, too.)

When I was at my worst, getting out of bed and into work was a daily struggle. My pdoc said he would set up temporary disability for me, but I was scared to take it. My fear was that if I stopped going to work, I would lose all stability and motivation to keep trying.

It is hard to be completely honest with your pdoc, to take off the brave face and relate how bad you really are feeling. But he really needs to know how desperate you are at this point, no matter how embarrassing it is at the moment.

I hope you and your partner will make it through this rough patch. It IS temporary. You must keep telling yourself that, even if it seems like a lie. It's not.

Greeny

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Andrew -

For what it's worth, I had bothersome sexual side effects from Effexor until I took a break from it to try Lexapro.  The Lexapro did bupkis for my depression, so I went back on the Effexor, only to find that the sexual side effects were nowhere near as severe the second time around.

You can post til your fingers fall off, I do!

HB, how do you get them to stick back on so you can keep typing?

Cerberus

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Hi, at the risk of repeating myself tediously, I've decided to post again today. I feel it helps a bit.

Still feeling absolutely horrible, and having suicidal thoughts (keeping away from the web though). I'm definitely close to DEMANDING ECT. This depression has lasted over a year now, with only a short respite of one month. I feel it's the only thing left, I've been through so many drugs and drug combinations....fluoxetine, escitalopram, mirtazapine, zyprexa, wellbutrin, effexor....only fluox + Zyprexa really worked, but not for long....I sort of feel I should have stayed on the Effexor, even with the sexual side effects, but I didn't like feeling like a total eunuch. I just don't believe that this new drug (moclobemide) is going to be the answer....

When I was at my worst, getting out of bed and into work was a daily struggle. My pdoc said he would set up temporary disability for me, but I was scared to take it. My fear was that if I stopped going to work, I would lose all stability and motivation to keep trying.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was off work for 2 1/2 months during the summer, and I'm really scared I'm going that way again. When I was off, I really believed that I'd be permanently disabled, and never able to work again. I'm losing the ability to concentrate, which was what happened during April/May last year, I don't know how much longer I can stay at work.

It is so horrible and scary not being able to trust your own mind, to feel it working against you, and never knowing how you'll be from day to day....I'm so tired of all this. I just want to feel calm, in control, and be happy!

Sorry if I'm repeating myself, I just don't know what else to say....

Andrew

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Hi, at the risk of repeating myself tediously, I've decided to post again today. I feel it helps a bit.
Some of us post a lot during a bad day. For some of us, it is our only link to our world. I post a lot, but it means I'm going through shit. When I'm cool, I usually stay away from my computer and do other stuff. I check in, but don't feel hung up about posting, please?

If you feel weird about posting publicly a lot, if you have the need, find a friend and PM them (private message). I stay home all day with a disability, which is why I can bore everyone all day long some days. And all night some days, some days day and night.

For me, it's about not going backwards to where I was. Because I felt like death had it's bony little fingers around my mind. I don't feel like that about natural death. But to me, suicide is so dark. Probably because of the pain prior to for the person who kills themselves, and then, the pain for those left behind. I have two personal suicide stories and the devestation goes on forever for children, lovers, friends and families. My friend Ronny blew his head off when we were 20. Because his gf had an abortion. I think about him often still, 25 yrs later. The other one was an Uncle of mine, and his kids are fucked up beyond recognition. And the pain it caused our family is incalculable. So I stay here, for now, to stay alive. And to reach out. You really never know who you touch. You've touched me. I'm glad you're stickin' around.

H

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