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Have the razors, have the pills.....


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Is there anyone you could call, that you trust? Like a pdoc, or maybe just even a close friend that knows what you're going through? Or could you arrange somewhere else for you to go on Friday, before this urge takes over you?

Maybe it would help to think of the reasons why you want to do it, this time, and find ways around those reasons? You've posted on here, so I think on some level you would like some help in talking yourself out of it- maybe take that as a starting point?

I was never much good at preventing SI. The only reason I appear to have stopped is that I had a horrible, frightening delusion about it- I now know it's untrue, but it scared me enough to prevent me doing it again. That was a little over 4 weeks ago, and I still crave it so badly at times. I don't know whether I've stopped, razor blades and pills in shops trigger Very Bad Thoughts in me, as they were my forms of SI, but for now it's on hold.

I'm not sure what else I can say really- I can't talk you out of it as such, but I am thinking of you. Whatever that's worth.

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Thanks whatsgoingon. Im going to see my pdoc on Friday! I think thats triggering it. Its an attention thing, I want to be rescued, it's sad but true, Im an attention seeking drama queen and this makes me hate myself and want to do it all the more, its a vicious circle  ;)

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Hand the pills and razors over to a friend, parent, or throw them away while you have some ability to doubt that you want to do it. You're a very precious person who deserves to be cared for and not harmed.

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If it helps, I can see where you're coming from with the attention thing. Don't hate yourself for it. I remember the day when I was referred to the crisis team. I got home from the GP, went to my room, and, err, did the deed. No need at all, help was on it's way, but I did it anyway. Part of me wanted to punish myself for all the fuss that was being created, part of me was scared (especially when they phoned and said the pdoc was on her way- i was like WTF?!!! i'd never seen a pdoc before) and part of me thought, well, if I show them just how bad it is, they'll realise how fucked up I am and they'll help. I hated myself for it too.

You want them to realise you're not coping, you need help, and that's natural I think. It's the worst feeling in the world when you've got your sane face on and the professionals don't see past it. You go home, and you think, shit, all that for nothing. What about writing it down? I know, it's so hard, often impossible to put all those tangled, messed up feelings into words. But just write. And don't read it back. And, if you can do it, hand it to the pdoc. Maybe go out when he/she reads it. That way, you're asking for help, but you're initiating it in a more healthy, positive way that isn't going to make you hate yourself. It might upset you, embarrass you, make you feel incredibly vulnerable....but you won't hate yourself.

Good luck. Keep posting.

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I have done the writing thing, it really gets across the fuckedupness, especially if you lack the punctuation and stuff, the stream of consciousness stuff is priceless, it hits pdocs hard. My file is stuffed with mindmaps and diary entries I have handed over and then cried while the pdoc read them. But I am self harming too I am no angel either. It isn't wrong to want to express to the world how bad you hurt, but cutting is not the way to do it, if you can avoid it.

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Thanks for your kind comments whatsgoingon and karuna.

I guess I just have a feeling of wanting to be cared for and swept away from all the crap and the shit. Self injury is not the way to deal with this, I have already ended up in casualty twice in the past two weeks because of overdose and cutting, it is seriously freaking my family out, my sisters are barely on speaking terms with me and my mother says the stress is going to kill her. I dont want to do it, but i feel so compelled to DO SOMETHING. A friend committed suicide last christmas, I feel possessed by her spirit, like she wants me to join her and this is always a triggery time of the year for me at best.  Bugger it, I will be honest with the shrink and say I am at serious risk of doing something stupid and ask to be hospitalised for my own safety

I can feel the pressure building ;)

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I guess I just have a feeling of wanting to be cared for and swept away from all the crap and the shit. Self injury is not the way to deal with this

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i can relate... truly. 

please tell your doc when ou see him/her on friday..... also, i find that it does help sometimes to surround myself with people.  try not to let yourself be alone...

keep posting.... we are all here for you. 

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I am in two minds, very torn indeed, I will tell the pdoc and try not to do anything stupid before I go to see him.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i more than understand the tough position that is to be in and i am sorry that you currently find yourself in the middle of it...

please try not to do anything before your pdoc appt.  keep posting if/when you feel the need to... try any alternative....

im here if you need anything, so don't hesitate to PM....

be well,

~Ophelia

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Well I decided to be honest and tell my mother that I was hearing voices urging me to kill myself. It got to the stage where I was in real danger of doing something stupid - writing suicide notes, making ever more dangerous plans - she is very upset and worried but I still feel it was best to tell her.

I have decided not to do anything stupid until I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Im going to be totally honest and tell him exactly whats going on. If that means a spell in the hospital again, so be it. Its probably best to be somewhere safe at the minute.

Thanks for all your kind words.

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I went to see the pdoc and was brutally honest with him about how I was feeling. He didnt detain me! Hallelujah! I said that I have to work with the team and give them time to sort things out, they might be able to arrange for me to stay at a private hospital in England which is good for treating people with dual diagnoses. To be honest, Im really desperate to get into treatment for alcohol abuse but none of the treatment centres here will accept me because of the psychosis. Well I go to see the psychiatrist again next week, he was worried about me and I had moved my suicide plans forth to Tuesday. I have agreed not to do anything stupid until I see him again. I can appreciate he is really bending over backwards to help.

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Thanks again for all your help folks. I really mean it, if it wasnt for posting on this board I might not be sitting here today, it really really helped get my head clear. This is exactly the reason why maintaining crazyboards is so important, it makes a real difference in people's lives for the good. I love you guys!  ;)

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