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Getting Sane


Guest I can see clearly now

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Guest I can see clearly now

I am becoming stable (on Lamictal, dx:BPII) and have finally faced my husbands infidelity, lies and emotional abuse  -- and my enabling behavior  -- and I just regret all these years with him.  I feel like I wasted all this time in an illusion of my life, feeling an intense connection and believing a lie of that I wished was true when I was hypomanic, and overly dependant on him when I was depressed.  Was a 10 year relationship merely a symptom of my MI? Can anyone relate to this?  I have such a need to connect.  I think I've got a better grasp on reality, but cold, hard reality can suck.

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You could only do what you knew how to do at the time. Many non MI people have sucky relationships too, don't start flogging yourself.

At the end if the day, if someone who is supposed to love and cherish you chooses to abuse you, that is not your fault. You do enable in some ways by sticking around, but sometimes our faith in human beings and our hearts are so big that we stay loyal. In the right situation, when we love the right, non abusive people, that loyalty is a very good and honourable. The fact of the matter is that your ex husband took vows to love and cherish you and he repeatedly failed you, despite having the love he didn't deserve to motivate him to change. His mistake, his loss, the regrets should be his, not yours.

We only really have the present moment. Right now you bring to this moment something very profound and special, a strength and a bravery that not many people get in this lifetime. To love someone is brave. To love in future when you have been hurt in the past is nothing short of heroic. Nothing that man has done can take away the strength and peace of mind that you have gained by admitting the truth and moving on.

Do you have kids? Neices or nephews? Do you have any young people look up to you or rely on you? Would you ever plan on having kids in future with the right guy if you don't have them now? Because Buddhism teaches that the choices we make right now, effect generations and generations. This is so precious. The painful walking away you do now will inspire and protect any young people that you come into contact with, it is a lesson that says 'You and me, we're worth more.' You're leaving a LEGACY. How is that for not being a waste?

I applaud you for being as honest with yourself and us as you have been. I admire any woman who has escaped an abuser, as I have. If only I had known woman like you when I was 14 or 15, my life could have been very different.

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  • 3 weeks later...

OK I registered...

Thank you all for responding, the support really helped me.

I'm still stuggling with this but it is getting better.  And I can see that maybe I will come out of this better and more psychologically healthy than before.  Although I have to admit right now I'm kind of weird, I think that's how I deal with painful crap.  I get weird in my thoughts and behavior, maybe to distract myself? I'm reeeaaalllly good at denial and distraction and, especially, good ol' avoidance.

Anyway, thanks for the words of encouragment and support.

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Being MI doesn't doom you to a bad relationship anymore than being non-MI gaurantees a life of roses and fuzzy kittens.

I have been married to my husband (who is bipolar) for 19 years. While his illness has created some problems, I am still with him because he is a great guy. Yes, after his last episode, I did consider leaving, but not because he was evil or abusive, but because I didn't know if I could stand back and watch him self destruct again. (Oh those wonderful BP mood swings!!)

But even in the middle of being completely psychotic, he was never abusive towards me or anyone else.

The road to stability is bumpy but worth the trip.

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Getting a useful Dx and treatment of ADD made the difference for me - in more or less the same way. And I got near about 15 years in (sounds like convict talk, don't it?).

I'm at a rather important fork in the road, too. Won't know for a bit what will happen, as some rather serious roadblocks have come up .Hubby has developed heart trouble - I can't be so heartless myself as to give him the boot, no matter how bad he is, under the conditions. Matters more at the end of the day what kind of person I am than what kind of person he is, anyway - and there is some good underneath all his crap, I'm just not convinced it's enough to outweigh the bad. I'll have to bide my time some and see over the next few months.

Like you, I have found that getting the right kind of help has been a blessing and a curse, all at once. On the upside, every day living is so much more pleasant, productive and (internally) peaceful. The downside is grief - grief for the loss of what might have been if it had all been caught earlier, what kinds of decisions and actions MIGHT have been undertaken, what outcomes WOULD have been possible "back then".

There is still a future, however. Many CANS and WILLS on the horizon.

Stick around. People here are remarkably supportive and kind - and as I have found recently, right there when you need them.

pigs

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You asked if anybody else had made terrible relationship decisions due to being MI?    I'll volunteer.

I divorced my first husband because he was ALWAYS angry at me.  Seven years of it put me into a major depressive spiral, suicidal ideation included.  I filed.

A year after the memorandum of decision was rendered, I was still in a major depression, only partly treated with medication.    I married the most wonderful man in the world. (ding-a-ling-a-ling!)

According to him. 

He was/is a con man, a control freak, and looking for a safe harbor while he got his financial footing back under himself. Natch, the financial problems were undisclosed. His bankruptcy filing (subsequent to our marriage) revealed that he had taken money from two girlfriends, the minor son of one of the girlfriends, his sister, his brother, accountant, attorney, and several other personal friends.  All of the 'loans' were written off - these folks became unsecured creditors.

Not to mention twenty two credit cards charged to the max, and the institutions holding mortgages to his investment properties, the most expensive of which he claimed as a personal residence.

I am convinced that had I not been MI, I would not have found his line so compelling - would have seen it for what it was.  So yes - big time - I am convinced that being MI destroyed my judgment in this rather large decision.

During our marriage, guess how much he contributed financially to the household.

Guess what?  When I refused to get off his back about that little fact (it is very stressful supporting the entire family, esp. when you would NEVER have set yourself up for that level of stress willingly) he became enraged and violent!

THIS divorce has gone on forever, and I can't wait till it's over.  I'm getting the hell out of this region.  Never want to see him or speak to him again.  Unfortunately, he kidnapped our twelve year old.  He'll likely get custody - after all, said twelve year old has been living with the most wonderful superdad in the world for the past two years, and in the provinces here, status quo rules.

Too bad.  I love the child, but I have done what I can.  Sooner or later he'll wake up and smell the coffee and, no matter how much a prisoner his father attempts to make him, he will run away.  Repeatedly.  At some point the courts become reluctant to intervene when kids walk with their feet.

Jesus.  I don't think I will ever recover.

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I can relate.  The difference being I was the ass not my bf.

My bf can see I am a new person now that I'm stable on meds. 

I used to break up with him monthly, just before my period. ;)

I'm so thankful he stuck by me.

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I'm trying to forgive myself for everything, for my whole life.  Just saying to myself  "I'm sorry I fucked up" and like someone said (I don't know how to quote posts) it was the best I could do.  Even in my worst Sylvia Plath-esque moments I have resolved to live this life.  To the person who is going through similar stuff: it helped me to know that the reason I faced the truth now is that I am strong enough now.  It takes a lot of strength to see the devastating truth and resolve to live through it.

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