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Has anyone felt this before?


Guest Guest_Jaelyn_*

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Guest Guest_Jaelyn_*

I'm not suicidal or depressed - at least it doesn't feel like it usually does - it's usually this very heavy and slowed down feeling in my body that is very specific to being depressed and I don't feel like that right now.

I feel like I don't care about anything or anyone and am purposefully distancing myself from life.  I am going through the motions.  I feel like my body and mind are fucked up - that I won't *ever* get better and am tired of trying to get better and that I am basically tired of living like this.  I am not going to kill myself.  I just truly feel like I am ready to die and have been praying for the last two days for just that.  I have nothing to offer myself, my family or society.  I am a drain emotionally, physically and financially.  If I die then they could move on and even regain some ground financially.

I don't feel or look depressed.  I actually feel pretty calm and centered.  That's why I am truly wondering if anyone else has felt like this.  Is this real or am I fooling myself?

Thanks,

Jae

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Oh, yes, I've done that.  I'll write these awful depressed entries in my LiveJournal for days concluding with "but I don't feel depressed," then eventually hit the floor and realize that nope, I really am depressed, and that's why I haven't showered in five days.  Talk to your support people -- pdoc, tdoc, whoever -- and see what you can do to stop the slide before it gets very bad.  Good luck.

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Yeah, what they said! I don't think depression is a matter of waking up one day and feeling horrible and wanting to die, for most people. It's a road. It starts with some pretty innocent symptoms, and then progresses over a period of time until you get to the point where "Okay... NOW I feel depressed"

And the calm and centered thing... that can be worrisome in and of itself. You said you feel like everyone would be better off if you were dead. Calm and centered can mean you've made up your mind about the truth in that. That can set you up for some really nasty things should this progress to a full blown depression.

Hash it out with your support people and get your meds changed, write down an emergency plan, ask people to be especially vigilent about you... whatever you need to do. Recognize that this might be something that can hurt you (Or it might just be a bad day or few days) and take steps to protect yourself in that event. Best of luck to you.

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Our moods are slippery, huh? There is a little draft, a hint of something in the air, then BANG.

If you can, get together with the people who know you best, and have them assist you with writing down all your early warning signs, like the earliest ones possible, that you are heading for a possible mood episode. Keeping yourself in line wtih this list can help you recognize the need for certain little changes or a med change, before you get into a funk.

I've actually been really successful with stopping depression before it gets full control of my life. You may want to write down what stuff can help you stay above water in a pinch, whether it be a day off, visit with a good friend, visit wtih Haagen-Daz, more exercise, a manicure, or whatever. Massages are also really good for me. Keep busy, don't think about depression, and make sure you do things that make you smile and laugh. Keep above water long enough, and sometimes the episode will fizzle.

Good luck!

-- loon--

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Guest Guest_Jaelyn_*

Thanks everyone.  Am starting to feel better this evening and am sure the swing will continue upward.  It always does.  Just not too far up I hope.  ;)

Jae

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Yep, my therapist calls the "I wish I could die and I'm praying for it but no, I'm not going to kill myself" suicidal ideation.  My personal version often had me hoping a truck would jump the curb and run me down.

Your thoughts sound depressed.  "Feeling" depressed is an elusive concept.  Severe depression usually involves slowed down physical energy.  And not "looking" depressed doesn't mean much in my case because I've got a great sane face with a life of its own.

I'm glad you're feeling better today, but even if the mood state was transient, you should report it to your pdoc.  And take care of yourself, watch for hypomania, and call the pdoc if you have trouble with it.  It's his job.

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