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Self Injury and Abusive Relationships


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I am doing my best to follow guidelines, but I was wondering why asking someone else to hurt me doesn't qualify as self injury. It doesn't matter who's holding the razor, does it? I asked him and everyone before him to hurt me, and I consider that self-destructive. I am refraining from all details so as not to trigger anyone.

Before I asked someone else to hurt me, I would hurt myself. Maybe you guys see this as silly, me flitting around the boards and attempting to play the victim because I'm the fuckhead who keeps going back and then bitches about it like some kind of attention whore. I get that. I imagine many who self-harm are also unjustly seen as perpetual victims of themselves crying out for attention. I don't think I'm any different from you guys just because someone else did my dirty work for me.

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There is a big difference between BDSM and self harm.

 

I think people get them confused when you are "asking someone to hurt you" because that often falls into BDSM instead of self destructive behaviors.

 

You are the expert on what your life is like.

 

However, I would argue that someone who agrees to hurt you OUTSIDE the context of a mutually-negotiated BDSM relationship is abusing you, even if it is also a form of self destructive behavior for you.

 

"Getting someone to do the dirty work" of injuring you is a very different form of self injury... in fact, most people would argue that it is NOT self injury because the other person has to agree to harm you.

 

Conflating BDSM with self harm is confusing and not healthy.

 

There are healthy ways to engage in BDSM and less risky ways to engage in BDSM.

 

But if you do not have a clear, mutually negotiated agreement where each person has equal power to stop a scene, that's NOT BDSM. It's something else.

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I guess you are referring to another post where I state my experience with abuse in a BDSM context. I'm not an illogical person and I'm not blind to the fact that there are healthy relationships, and you are right in saying I do know more than anyone what my life has been like and therefore very aware of what abuse is, and what BDSM is not.

I have stated sporadically for years on these boards that I have, for lack of a better term, an addiction to abuse. I don't represent the fetish community at all.

While I agree BDSM and self harm are not very comparable, abuse and self harm have a lot in common. It is a release and an escape from my emotional pain and it is unhealthy, just as it is when done to one's self. I do not want to suffer another injury and I do not want to end up dead.

This isn't a relationship thing. This is a problem that I have no diagnosis for. It's just frustrating because I can't go on Fet and get reamed, can't post it on FB or talk to family, my therapist can't help me with it and I'm not entirely sure where I can talk about this.

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What is it about your therapist that makes that person unable to help you?

 

You've identified it as a self destructive pattern. Changing behavior of any kind is more or less the same... you learn to tolerate the urges without acting on them while strengthening other skills to reduce the desire in the first place.

 

That doesn't make it easy, though.

 

In addition, local domestic violence agencies could probably offer something useful to think about if you met with an advocate.

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Suicide by cop is still suicide... doesn't matter who pulled the trigger. I may have a personality disorder because I know how to get a man to want to hit me-- sensually, exploitively, or just goading a guy with a bad temper and pent up aggression. Other times, my own boundaries were violated. Everything about what I've done and what's been done to me is wrong and I want to stop for more than six months at a time. Because rationally, I should never do it again.

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I'm just a lazy, entitled, spoiled, selfish little girl as far as they're concerned. What do I have to do to prove otherwise? Reading a previous post regarding being taken seriously (and doing something drastic just to prove it) really hit home with me. I'm sorry I'm preemptively responding as you are. If I sound hostile, it's not at all towards you.

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Suicide by cop has the qualifier "by cop" because legally it's homicide and is investigated as such.

 

I tend to not take things personally unless someone tells me I might want to consider something.

 

Look, I have to say I'm not sure what you are needing or wanting here.

 

It sounds like you need and want help changing a pattern of behavior. That's what competent therapists help people to do. Domestic violence agencies also are used to talking with people (mostly women people) about how they have learned to normalize abuse even if they don't want it to be happening.

 

I encourage you to reach out to some of those resources. Interview a few potential therapists on the phone to make sure they have a grasp of what you're dealing with. If they only perceive you as a self-entitled drama queen, that's the WRONG therapist for you... and possibly for anyone.

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I suffer from SMD so I am into BDSM somehow and yes it makes me cut a lot. 

 

Advice, be careful with cutting during sex or something similar to that nature. I had to go to hospital for surgery...it can turn badly. The thing is if someone else cuts you they are not you and they can cut really deep and that can be dangerous. At least the good thing is that most people would say no if you ask them to cut you.

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I'm not sure if I know how to express what my wants and needs are. I feel that I am the common denominator in the therapists that failed me. I honestly feel as if a domestic violence counselor would absolutely despise me, or at least think I'm a joke. In therapy, I ask questions about how to start living a 'normal' life. I know it is vague and I can't define what that is. I want to trust people. I want to trust myself again. I have little sense of time and soon I will be 31, and I wasn't ready to be 30. ITs like I'm stuck or traumatized and terrified to try to hold my own. IF I am no better by then, I will have to do something to shake things up. Suicide is not an option, but it's been almost seven years of me feeling helpless and I can't keep living like this. Suicide was never something I even talked about until lately. I Won't do it, but it scares me that I think about it.

What I've been through has affected me detrimentally, whether or not I brought it upon myself. Everyone thinks I'm scum at this point. It does rub off.

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@divine

"Bipolar Disorder Type 1, Sexual Masochism Disorder"

Okay. My heart just stopped. How did you get that diagnosis? Is that an actual diagnosis that NO ONE had EVER presented as a possibility to me in all my years in the mental health industry? Please tell me if you just blew my mind by finally giving me a name for something that I formerly found indescribable.

On what boards do you talk about this stuff? Can I message you?

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@divine

"Bipolar Disorder Type 1, Sexual Masochism Disorder"

Okay. My heart just stopped. How did you get that diagnosis? Is that an actual diagnosis that NO ONE had EVER presented as a possibility to me in all my years in the mental health industry? Please tell me if you just blew my mind by finally giving me a name for something that I formerly found indescribable.

On what boards do you talk about this stuff? Can I message you?

sure you go ahead :) I don't think there is a board for kinky disorders by the way :( 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I suffer from SMD so I am into BDSM somehow and yes it makes me cut a lot. 

 

Advice, be careful with cutting during sex or something similar to that nature. I had to go to hospital for surgery...it can turn badly. The thing is if someone else cuts you they are not you and they can cut really deep and that can be dangerous. At least the good thing is that most people would say no if you ask them to cut you.

Yeah... We should swap stories. One guy dropped a knife in my arm.

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I suffer from SMD so I am into BDSM somehow and yes it makes me cut a lot. 

 

Advice, be careful with cutting during sex or something similar to that nature. I had to go to hospital for surgery...it can turn badly. The thing is if someone else cuts you they are not you and they can cut really deep and that can be dangerous. At least the good thing is that most people would say no if you ask them to cut you.

Yeah... We should swap stories. One guy dropped a knife in my arm.

 

ab4bbde3cfaf74049b4ae80245252f4fc51246cf

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