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Am I actually suicidal?


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Hi everyone, I really could use some advice and opinions.  I posted this on a similar site but I figured Id post it here too, so Ill just copy and paste what I wrote 

 

I am a 19 year old male. I have dealt with simple anxiety my whole life(i.e. feeling nauseous before school or a date) and I have always had a fair amount of really great friends. I feel like I have lived a pretty average good life so far. I started college over a year ago. Ive never been away from home before, no camp or anything like that. I really started missing my home town and about a few months in I started getting intrusive thoughts about hitting or hurting my girlfriend that quickly turned into hurting myself. From then until the summer I dealt with a fear that I would end up hurting myself(and sometimes others).

I started seeing a therapist who I still talk to every week. I also started seeing a psychiatrist. However after taking some medicine that I forget and I felt suicidal for some reason. Who knows if it was from the medicine or not, but I went into a psych ward for a week. I kept taking the medication they gave me but it ended up just making me anxious, so I stopped. I ended up returning to school only to have these problems come back. This time, i was having more detailed thoughts. I thought of my phone chord or chord to my charger being around my neck and I also had images of my wrists being cut. I would never want to cut my wrists and I dont think i could ever actually choke myself, but it would be on my mind alot, sometimes all day. It would really keep me from enjoying my life. 

So for this past winter break I tried taking Prozac, which also didnt make me feel right. My psychiatrist now has me on lamictal because obviously my body reacts strangely to anti depressants. I have had some good weeks and bad weeks but recently my suicidal thoughts have increased and along with having images of cutting myself and things wrapped around my neck, I now have thoughts like "do i want to die? theres nothing really to live for" and "im tired of everything in life" and sometimes even "i want to die" and other things like "i can see myself committing suicide." Ive also been questioning every little thing in life.

My psychiatrist recently increased my dosage of lamictal and I am still at school but I do not know whether this is still Pure O(which is what I was diagnosed with) or if Im actually suicidal. Im constantly battling in my head reasons to live, but sometimes I think "who cares, these reasons arent enough." If anyone could give me any information that would help, I would appreciate it so so much. Im tired of feeling this way, I dont know what else to do.

I also want to point out that I still manage to go to my classes, and get my work done and hang out with my friends and current girlfriend.

 

Sometimes when Im eating a meal a thought will come into my head like "this will be my last meal" even though it wasnt or if Im watching a show Ill think "this will be the last time I see this show" even though that wasnt true either.

I also have a terrible fear of going back to the hospital. This is probably why my thoughts make me feel worse. My parents and friends were in so much pain. I often wonder what point would it have to get to for me to have to call 911? Do people with these issues really end up hurting themselves?

Sorry to ramble, I know that was lot I just really want some opinions and advice.

Thank you

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I think you should talk to your therapist. You should only call 911 if you've made any plans of suicide. If you can talk about your issues in that thorough manner I wouldn't worry too much...still worry though. It's not nice feeling the way you feel and you need to talk to someone to sort those feelings out. How bad are these thoughts  anyway?

Edited by StJimmy9151
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I think you should talk to your therapist. You should only call 911 if you've made any plans of suicide. If you can talk about your issues in that thorough manner I wouldn't worry too much...still worry though. It's not nice feeling the way you feel and you need to talk to someone to sort those feelings out. How bad are these thoughts  anyway?

Love your name and your picture.

 

Anyways, I talk to my therapist once a week(sometimes twice) and I also see a counselor at school.  I also can call my mom and girlfriend and talk to them about it.  I explained the thoughts the best I could, I never like getting into TOO much detail but if I see a charger or something I just picture it being around my neck an sometimes i just picture my wrists being cut, I dont even need to see a knife.  But those thoughts dont bother me as much anymore.  Its the thoughts of debating whether Im really suicidal, if I want to live or not, etc.

 

Its like a little battle going inside my mind between part that wants to live and part thats trying to tell me I dont want to.  Sometimes I will think of good things in life and just kinda think "eh, who cares" and thats the worst because I know they're good things, I just cant really fully see that when I feel this way. It's all very hard to explain.  There are some weeks where my mind can get distracted, but there are some where these thoughts and debates are always on my mind.

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I think you should talk to your therapist. You should only call 911 if you've made any plans of suicide. If you can talk about your issues in that thorough manner I wouldn't worry too much...still worry though. It's not nice feeling the way you feel and you need to talk to someone to sort those feelings out. How bad are these thoughts  anyway?

Love your name and your picture.

 

Anyways, I talk to my therapist once a week(sometimes twice) and I also see a counselor at school.  I also can call my mom and girlfriend and talk to them about it.  I explained the thoughts the best I could, I never like getting into TOO much detail but if I see a charger or something I just picture it being around my neck an sometimes i just picture my wrists being cut, I dont even need to see a knife.  But those thoughts dont bother me as much anymore.  Its the thoughts of debating whether Im really suicidal, if I want to live or not, etc.

 

Its like a little battle going inside my mind between part that wants to live and part thats trying to tell me I dont want to.  Sometimes I will think of good things in life and just kinda think "eh, who cares" and thats the worst because I know they're good things, I just cant really fully see that when I feel this way. It's all very hard to explain.  There are some weeks where my mind can get distracted, but there are some where these thoughts and debates are always on my mind.

Sorry if I made you uncomfortable with that question. I think what matters is if you are at risk, it doesn't matter which one it is, if you just want end your life or want to self harm. Both of these things are serious and if you can't stop thinking about cutting then it's better if you talk to a professional or if you don't want to, someone you trust, family ect. I hope everything goes well :) and eventually you'll better.

 

Been there too, it's ugly but it gets better...always.

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I would keep telling your therapist and psychiatrist (pdoc) this over and over, to make sure s/he understands how much you think about this and how much it bothers you.  I think it will eventually get better, but only if you talk about it with a professional and work with them on dealing with it.

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I have both. Actual suicidal thoughts and intrusive suicidal thoughts. Oftentimes symptoms can get so bad that they make you question living. I agree with stressing the intensity of these thoughts to your providers. Make sure to tell them that you are questioning things. That's usually an alert for them. And yes, if you have an actual plan and intent contact 911 or drag yourself to the ER. 

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Thanks for the replies.  I still have a hard time actually decided if something is really a suicidal thought or not.  My therapist tells me if its unwanted, then its an intrusive thought and 90% of the times these thoughts are unwanted.  I believed my therapist really understands what Im going through but I wouldnt say Im very satisfied with my psychiatrist.  I understand they're all about medicine but I feel like he should really listen to me explaining my thoughts more.

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Thanks for the replies.  I still have a hard time actually decided if something is really a suicidal thought or not.  My therapist tells me if its unwanted, then its an intrusive thought and 90% of the times these thoughts are unwanted.  I believed my therapist really understands what Im going through but I wouldnt say Im very satisfied with my psychiatrist.  I understand they're all about medicine but I feel like he should really listen to me explaining my thoughts more.

 

^Have you tried bringing this up with him, that you want him to listen to you more?

 

 

Also, regardless if you think a though is a suicidal one or not, or not sure, either way I would bring it up to tdoc/pdoc.

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Thanks for the replies.  I still have a hard time actually decided if something is really a suicidal thought or not.  My therapist tells me if its unwanted, then its an intrusive thought and 90% of the times these thoughts are unwanted.  I believed my therapist really understands what Im going through but I wouldnt say Im very satisfied with my psychiatrist.  I understand they're all about medicine but I feel like he should really listen to me explaining my thoughts more.

 

^Have you tried bringing this up with him, that you want him to listen to you more?

 

 

Also, regardless if you think a though is a suicidal one or not, or not sure, either way I would bring it up to tdoc/pdoc.

 

I always do talk to both of them about them.  My therapist listens more though and talks me through everything, and my psychiatrist sort of just nods his head and types what I say into his computer system or whatever.

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I'm glad your tdoc listens to you and you and her have a good rapport with each other. 

 

When you see you pdoc next, I would bring up and ask if he is really listening to what you are saying.  I would have him repeat back what you said to him, without him looking at his computer.  I've actually done this ... I will stop for a minute until my pdoc is done writing, then ask him to repeat back what I've just said.  Sometimes he has things backwards (of what I've said) ... sometimes some pdocs only hear what they want to hear, or just hear it all wrong, IMO.  Not all, but some.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

I currently are coping with exactly the same problem. I get anxious of whether on some day I would act upon these intrusive thoughts. I developed these problems after 3 years of anti depressants for my anxiety. Please let me know if you have any methods to cope with this issue and lower your stress levels.

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