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It's all I can think about


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Somehow, recently, everything leads back to sh.

 

Television, books, walking the dog, playing video games... I can temporarily distract myself but then there's a commercial on TV where the character says "I'll die if I stay any longer" and all I can think is 

"yes! death would be nice, but let's just sh for the moment."

 

Also I am strongly tempted to do significant amounts of damage. Partly it scares me, partly being scared just makes me want it more. I think it's along the lines of Squish's thread... wanting to prove it's serious.

 

I told pdoc yesterday. She says it's good I'm scared. She says she thinks I'm just that anxious due to some situational stuff. She thinks I'm just wanting that much relief. She didn't really have suggestions on what else to do. I'm supposed to tell tdoc when I see her on Tuesday. I'm embarrassed.

 

And I really really really want to sh. Except I feel like if I slip at all I'm hosed and will need significant medical attention.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, sorry. 

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Ick... what a no-fun place to be.

 

Distress tolerance skills, specifically crisis survival skills time?

 

I am thinking in particular of TIPP, which weirdly is not in here... temperature (stick your face in a bowl of ice water for instant decrease in breathing and heart rate... take a warm bath or shower for more slow relaxation), intense exercise (works like cold), paced breathing, paired muscle relaxation (works like warm)

 

There are also some really cool DBT apps that might be useful to distract yourself with.

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Sorry that you are in that place. One thing I sometimes find helpful is writing down absolutely everything I hate about self harm. I have a document saved on my computer with a list and I sometimes look at it when I feel really triggered. Sometimes I try to think of Self Harm as I would any other decision in my life. I weigh all the pro's and cons. The consequences always outweigh the benefits.

I think being scared an be a good thing, it shows that you are aware of the dangers of self harming.

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Thanks, Woo, for the link. I know those things... and sometimes they work... but it's hard to remember them when I need them. I have a dbt skills app on my phone too. I've used it a few times at work or such.

 

I'll have to look up paired breathing and muscle relaxation.

 

There are few things I hate about self harm. Or maybe it just feels that way right now.

 

I haven't given in yet. Sorry it's a 'yet'. My tdoc would/will get on at me about that. I just don't feel like I can drop that word.

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It's ok to not feel ready to drop the "yet" yet.  :P

 

It's a process and you are actively working on it.

 

Every time you resist the urge or surf the urge a little bit longer, you are strengthening neural pathways that will allow you to make the choice to not self harm.

 

Right now the pathways that lead to self harm are pretty entrenched. It takes quite a bit of effort to herd one's "mind cows" to new pastures. They tend to take the path of least resistance even if the grass isn't as good there.

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