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Hello! I'm Kaitlynn, I'm new here

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Hello! My name is Kaitlynn and I've been lurking on this forum for a while. Thanks to anxiety, despite having lurked here for months and having made an account quite a while ago, I was too scared/depressed to post but I'm here now! It's time to get as proactive about my health as I can handle.


I'm 18 and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I in December during a 9 day stay in a psych hospital. My roommate pushed for me to go because I was having problems with being intensely angry all the time. I finally gave in and accepted that I needed help and was in crisis and spent Christmas in the hospital. I've had problems with anxiety my whole life and I'm not great at asking for or receiving help. I "ran away" from home when I was 18 with the help of my boss who kind of views me as a daughter. I was scared of my parents, so with the help of my boss, I got an apartment lease and went to work one day, and while my family was out I came back with a friend who had a big van, packed up all my stuff, and left in the middle of the day. I grew up in an abusive household and my anxiety while living there made it really hard for me to do anything. I had kept pushing the possibility of mental illness out of my mind and kept telling myself that when I was safe, and not there anymore, everything would get magically better and I'd turn into a productive, happy adult. And that didn't happen. When I was discharged from the hospital I finally learned that I have a family history of mental illness and I realized I've been struggling my whole life in ways I didn't realize or remember I should've gotten help for.


Where I'm at now is - I'm an 18 year old living alone trying to figure out how to communicate and cooperate with my doctors, how to feed myself, how to take my medication and accept that getting the medication right isn't going to be super easy, that my diagnoses aren't static and will change over time and I have a lot of things to organize. I'm in a place where everything kind of got dumped on me all at once and I'm learning how to survive and live. It's scary, and I'm sure it's something a lot of you can relate to. My survival skills from birth to being 18 were all about specifically surviving in my parents house and now that I'm not there anymore I feel kind of like I'm starting from ground zero. I believe I'm better off now that I've escaped my original toxic environment, and I can finally get help now and try to figure out what I need to do to live and what my challenges are. I feel like a child, I feel like I'm having to learn how to do things that shouldn't be so daunting, but I guess depression really turns everything into a challenge. I'm scared of organization because I'm obsessed with it, the word organization taunts me because I'm scared about how long "one step at a time" will take. I'm terrified of moving one step forward and two steps back. I haven't worked in months and my boss has been supporting me with the belief that I'll get through this and it'll all pay off. I just hope to keep getting a little bit better and eventually be able to work and support myself, and build myself a system that works. I guess it's a common struggle that we're all going through, adjusting our systems and just figuring out what we need and what we want.

Anyway, sorry my introduction got so wordy and I didn't give very much background but that's just a struggle I've always had with communication, I'm very verbose but I always always ALWAYS feel like I'm missing the point and losing myself which has made communication with doctors really hard. I'm hoping that being active in this forum will help me communicate better with my doctors, and with myself! I hope that I'll find a place for myself and this will be helpful! From what I've read lurking in the forum I like you all and I'd be happy to be a part of this community.

I'll also give some basic information and try to be less uptight. I like cats and I have two. I like rats and I have none but my walls are covered in rat silhouette decals. I like video games, reading, and being on the internet. I paint, and consider myself an artist. I'm a novice programmer and have a business software development job. Technically, I've more or less been out on medical leave for months. I really like people and I can never figure out how much or how little I struggle socially. I like fashion a lot and I love dressing up however I want. I seriously struggle with brushing my teeth.

Edited by floorprincess
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