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Yes I Procrastinate....


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Mental illness was not allowed in the house I grew up in.

There was no excuse for us to be sad or depressed.  We were told to grow up, snap out of it, act like you have some sense. 

Tears were not permitted, I suppose they were the ultimate sign of weakness or a lack of control.  Your beloved dog died?  Your best friend moved away?  "For God's sake, are you crying??"

I walked carefully as a child, kept to myself, trying to be invisible to avoid conflict.

The first real memory I have of being happy was after I had left home and I smoked my first joint.  I never used any other drug, or drank alcohol.  I never had paranoia from smoking, just a blissful calm.  I have not smoked in over 20 years but just thinking about it makes me smile.

I have been married twice, the first for 5 yrs, the second for 10 yrs.  Looking back I can barely recall any one day of those years I spent married. 

I had severe postpartum depression after the birth of my only child.  I don't believe I ever truly recovered.

I have struggled to get thru each day of my life.  I hung on many times just because I had a little boy who was dependent on me, I was the only one he had.  I had to fight my demons not to become a recluse, to put one foot in front of the other to get thru today, only to be faced with tomorrow.

When my son was seven I ran across a piece of paper on which he had wrote "I wonder what it feels like to die?"  Scared, I went to him with the paper and told him it doesn't feel like anything, it's nothing, it's just dead.  I was horrified to realize my demons were probably his demons too.  I tried so hard for him but his childhood would have been so much better if I had been sane. 

In my life now tears come easily and I can barely control them, even at work.  I struggle to maintain our modest lifestyle and my prescriptions are putting me deep in a debt that I will probably never be able to pay off. 

I don't plan to ever marry again, I am happy being single.  I can't believe I have lived to see my 40's, I guess I am stronger deep down than I ever imagined.

Thanks for having me here,

kane

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Hey Kane,

I just hit 40 too. I don't want to armchair analyze or anything from one post, but it struck me that you approaching your son with that note was a very good thing to do. Otherwise, he might have always felt alone and scared. Even if you're not 100% sane (if such people do exist), it sounds like you give him the best you've got. I think he understands this.

I opened your thread because it's nearly 2pm, and I haven't made it in to work yet. Must go, yes, must go to work...

lily

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Hi Kane ... If theres anything I hate more...its the sentence "Snap out of it"...Ive heard that meany of times in my life as well. Im glad you made your way over to Crazyboards. I think you'll find alot of topics and threads to relate to...I have. If you need anything anytime, please PM me...welcome to the boards...Lisa

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Hi kane - don't go away - come on back now - we're still here - everyone's just a little distracted by this stinkin' holiday. How old is your son now? I have a 4 year old daughter and I know what it's like to feel like you have to stay alive solely to take care of your child. It sucks. But it seems to work. Are you on any meds? In therapy? Anything? Crazyboards is a great place to start, so welcome. Stick around. Keep writing. Millie

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I'm still here.  Just been working overtime and trying to catch up things at home.

My son is grown up now (18) and going to college while living at home.

My dx is MDD but I have narcolepsy which has gotten worse with age and comes on for no reason.

I take Wellbutrin XL and Cymbalta; in my 2nd month of taking Provigil.  It really seemed to work great at first.  Even with insurance I pay $125/mo (for 30 200-mg pills) because of the way Provigil is classifed and I had a 10 day battle getting them just to pay half.  I take generic Ritalin ER also, but nothing seems to wake me up.  I have to pay full price for that ($60) since my ins will not cover it due to my age. 

My meds run about $250/month even with insurance.  My income is not that great and I am the sole support of this household which means I am usually broke.  Thank goodness I still have credit cards.

I see a pdoc not a therapist.  Except for the narcolepsy I feel fine.  I work, I have my little house, my son and my dog.  I have always been an introvert and enjoy my life. 

I am seeing my pdoc next week.  If anyone has any suggestions for the narcolepsy beyond what I already do please let me know.

kane

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Hi kane,

Just checking in. I have no suggestions for the narcolepsy. Doesn't it suck that meds are so friggin' expensive? I pay a fortune for mine too. No insurance. Pre-existing conditions. Yuck.

You said in your last post that you enjoy your life but, um, I'm not buying it. Sorry if this is too forward but it sounds to me like you're pretty damn sad. Maybe that's partly just a condition we all have to live with but it sounds to me like you're living with more than your share of it. Are you honest with your pdoc? I only ask because I'm not. Feelings were not allowed in the house I grew up in either. We were all just fine, thank you very much. As a result I find that I hide things from my pdoc - tell him I'm fine when I'm not, tell him the meds are working when they're not, etc. It's a hard cycle to break. I bet if you managed to convey to the pdoc what your life is really like he would change your meds. Sounds to me like they're not working quite well enough. The trick, I guess, is to allow ourselves to have feelings. Is this making any sense at all? I'm so inarticulate these days it's embarrasing. I'm going to bed. I hope your weekend was ok.

Millie

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I went to pdoc yesterday.

My main concern now is the narcolepsy.  She gave me a different script something like generic adderall.  Also said she would help me make a case for my ins to pay for a sleep study, because narcolepsy is a disability and it needs to documented for my own protection at work.

I guess I feel like I am okay because I am not crying my eyes out. Plus I'm old and tired. My great accomplishment is having inner peace, my next goal is for joy.  Mabe if I can stay awake I can find it.

kane

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