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Basically my life story of the last year

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I just have so many thoughts and never thought to myself as being depressed because I'm never sad. But I've come to the realization that I am, but without sadness. I'm emotionally disconnected, I'm numb. I don't really get sad or happy, or if I do it's for a brief time and I go back to my baseline of numbness.. I've always thought it was contentment, but it's not.


Late 2013, I had a depressive episode that lasted months. I had no emotion, no desires to do anything really, just numb. I went to college in the beginning of 2014, I was happy. I was doing something I loved. I lived with random people who didn't really care about what I did, I did whatever I wanted. I used to drink a lot, being a happy drinker. I would usually drink by myself, but I soon found my best friend in college who I would drink with. I would drink all of the time, being drunk while doing homework, while doing personal work, while going to school (I did well in college, keeping a 3.5gpa) and eventually while going to work, after getting a fast food job. But soon a manager decided to say something to me, I grew up, real quick. I stopped drinking before work. It was all good.


My best friend had to move back to Kentucky due to family issues, so my only friend besides my girlfriend is gone. My girlfriend and I got more serious and decided to move in together. She hated me drinking, because it was all of the time.. but really, the only problem is that I'm underage.. If I was 21, I wouldn't think it was a problem at all.. but she hated it, I hated feeling like she resented me for drinking. I quit drinking for 4 months, I felt shitty afterwards and still do. Soon after we moved in I then had to drop out of school due to money problems,


I'm working full time, 38-40 hours a week, sometimes up to 45 hours a week. I do well at work, despite the fact it's fast food. I'm mature. This is my first real job and I'm about to become a shift manager. I've surpassed the employees that has worked there for a couple years at least, people who are 22-25 years old.. I'm in the spot they've worked hard for, I just do better.


My emotions are numbed again, there's no desire or motivation. Like I'm living on a cycle, I do things just to do it. And that is, if I even do it.. I don't have friends, I waste my free time on video games, or I'm at work. I just feel like my life was so much better before.. I'm sure the alcohol had something to do with it but what do I do now?


Alcohol is really a mood enhancer for me, if I'm happy and I drink, I'm even happier. I stay away from alcohol when I'm sad or depressed as i feel more sad or depressed if I drink. I use it for happy reasons, i use it when I'm happy, to stay happy or just feel good. But now, my depression is killing me, I have no escape.. I can't drink as it will not help, I don't drink to escape, maybe to escape my lack of self esteem, my severe anxiety, but those aren't good things to live with. I've tried to drink but it only worsens how I feel now.. I don't do illicit drugs to escape, only drug from time to time when and if my girlfriend buys some pot. I just have to live with it, with this feeling, if it is even a feeling. 


I used to take Lexapro for depression but after the weird feelings and worst withdrawal I've ever had I decided to never take SSRIs again.. This withdrawal was worse than alcohol withdrawal.. Recently I got prescribed Adderall for my ADHD, I thought it would help. It helps me focus, but the desire and motivation for life is still gone, or numbed. Last time I went to the doc, I got prescribed Wellbutrin for depression. On the third day, I felt emotional, but sadness of course. I cried for little reasons, but the thought I had feelings after some time of not caring about everything was exciting. I was happy that I was sad, that I was crying. I was happy I had a real feeling. I thought I was fixed.. But now, a week later, I'm still numb. I don't know what to do, I just hope the medicine needs more time.


What do you guys do to alleviate depression? Everything sounds fun in my head, but coming to actually do it, I just can't.. All music sounds the same, I hate watching TV, Video games are what I find fun, but spending 40 hours a week is a waste on a video game.. I don't draw or do art work anymore because I don't have any inspiration or motivation. I try to force myself but I get bored. I hate it. Art is my life and I can't even do it. I don't skateboard anymore. I work out a few times a week and I feel better, but thats only a short relief. I need some suggestions, something.



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I wish I had something for you, but the only thing that helped me was getting on the right meds. I gather from your post that you've only been on Wellbutrin a short while? It takes time to kick in. The only med that really helps me with apathy and motivation is Abilify. It gives me back at least some of the drive in life that I lost due to the depression. However, as always, YMMV.


Therapy helps some people. To be honest, it only really helped me with situational depression and not so much with organic depression. But it was great for my OCD.


Other than that, nothing helps my depression. Everything else are just distractions that can get me through a crisis time (watching TV, reading, etc.), but they don't solve the problem. I do think that working on developing friendships is helpful though. Get youself out and meet people. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it, and if you can chisel away at a hobby and find others interested in the same hobby you've probably killed two birds with one stone (making friends and doing something).


I agree with you that alcohol is a mood enhancer. If I'm feeling bad and drink, I just feel worse. But if I am feeling good and drink, I feel great.


I hope you feel better.

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If you are having withdrawal symptoms when you stop drinking, you are drinking too much. Don't get onto that Merry-go-round. Seek help. And I mean a doctor, not AA, unless that appeals to you. I don't like the religious component to AA, personally. I've never had a drug problem, though.


What you are doing is called self-medicating. Yes, now the drinking feels fine, helpful even. But it is a CNS depressant, and it is going to interfere with your treatment.


And here you are, posting in the depressive forum. The alcohol couldn't prevent the depression, even though you say it is mood enhancing.


If you needed a "Come to Jesus" talk with your supervisor because you couldn't figure out drinking before work is a bad idea, I wonder about your judgement as to how alcohol is affecting your life choices. If I were your girlfriend and you are drinking so much, I'd hate it too.


The fact that you go on and on about it, rationalizing it, makes me think there is some part of you that knows you shouldn't be doing this. The fact that you do well at work doesn't have anything to do with it. There are a lot of people who are alcoholic and hold far more stressful jobs than that. They are called "High-functioning alcoholics."


Does your pdoc know about the extent of your drinking?


By the way, you cannot eliminate all meds in a class (SSRIs in this case) based on a single med from that class. For instance, it took me 4 tries with atypical anti-psychotics (AAPs) to find the one that was right for me, and it is *really* helping me. The first one I tried was one of the worst meds I have ever been on. Even with SSRIs: Prozac made me manic, but I still tried Zoloft. It wasn't for me, but it didn't make me manic. So you really are not in a position to ditch an entire class of meds just yet.

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There are several things I could have withdrawal symptoms from if I quit cold turkey today.. If I were to quit playing video games, I would have withdrawals. If I am off of work for to long, i get super anxious and bored, like I need to go back. I will have to go through caffeine withdrawals I were to stop the intake of caffeine. Hell, I even went through withdrawals from prescribed medicine that is approved by the government. Why take those only because they are prescribed if they also cause the body to create a dependence? Those things are socially acceptable. But of course I'm going to go through withdrawals from alcohol if I stopped all together.


But no, I don't talk about my alcohol consumption or should i say my past alcohol consumption with my Pdoc. I don't drink anymore. It's rare that I do drink now. Since I'm in this depressed state of mind, alcohol will not help. Of course alcohol didn't prevent depression. That wasn't the intent of drinking. There wasn't a depression that needed to be cured, I was happy. There is no need for me to drink now and so I don't. I haven't had a drink in probably a month or so. Even when I do decide to have a drink, I'm very controlled and have maybe 5 drinks throughout the whole night. No more binging for me. And I make sure my alcohol consumption is in safe combination with any meds.


I really do hope I can find medication to help.. But even the thought of withdrawals from Lexapro makes me feel sick. I never want to feel like that again.

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People who drink normal amounts don't have withdrawal symptoms if they quit cold turkey. I have a couple of drinks a week sometimes. Sometimes I have (gasp) three. I don't go through withdrawal if I don't drink the next week.


Your grasping if you are comparing video games to alcohol.


I'm glad you are not drinking currently.

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I wish I had something for you. All I can say is that I relate to what you wrote. Numbness is my default state of being. I haven't found an antidepressant that's worked long-term yet. The results you reported from the Wellbutrin sound promising. I hope you can come to a point with it where you get steady benefit. 


I think therapy is probably going to be the way to go, for me. It's hard going, with the numbness, but I think eventually it's going to do me as much good as meds, or more. 

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