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Too many damned questions!

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Here I am, just venting again.  I'm seeing the new pdoc on Friday and tonight I started working on the pile of questionnaires he sent me.  Everything from how me and my family get along and got along back then, to all the meds I've taken & how much & how long (shit, I can't even remember most of the AD monotherapy days), to whether my hands get cold or I have excess body hair, and if so, where.

I basically block out my craziness as much as I can most of the time.  When it's affecting me these days I muscle through it and deal with the aftermath later.  I'm better at coping witih stresses, with conflict, but even so, I haven't been stable lately and I've been having the occasional episode.  Oh, and the severe depression last summer, and the mixed states during the High Holidays.  But I rarely let myself dwell on  how sick I feel and have felt in the past.  So answering all these questions makes me very anxious.  I'm being as honest as I can, but I end up answering "yes" to most of the mood questions, and every question makes me look at and remember my mental illness and how crazy my brain is.

Scariest of all is the section that's slipped in there that pretty clearly is going after seizure disorders.  I have an irrational fear of having a seizure disorder.  Pretty silly, considering what I've already gone through.  If I did, it wouldn't be any worse than this, and anyways, if I already have it, knowing it can only help.  But my sister has been epileptic since childhood, and she's not only crazy but scary and violent too, and I don't want to be like her.  I know that few epileptics are as terrifying as my sister, but since I found her having a grand mal seizure when I was 11 I just associated the two together (terrifying monster sister and epilepsy).  My parents definitely didn't do anything to discourage the connection.  I know it was just their way of cutting her out, but still, this childish fear persists.

I find all of this so very scary.  I wonder wishfully if I'm just making all this shit up.  How I wish.  And I have noone to talk to but the cats, and I'm now too agitated to go to sleep, and I NEED sleep.  So I'm talking to you.  Figuring maybe I'll feel better if I've written it down for someone else in the world to read.  I sure hate writing post after post about how shitty and scared I feel.  I have this idea I should always be positive.  I don't want to bring anyone down, but on the other hand, what the hell am I doing here if I don't take advantage of it?

Thanks for listening.  I'm going to drink some hot milk and then do my bedtime moisturizing ritual, take my Ambien, and put on my R. Carlos Nakai CD very softly and hope for the best.  I do think things will get better eventually and that I'm in good hands, if only in that my therapist will aggressively work to get me treated by the right pdoc.  It's just doddering through these rough times.

Off to bed, then.

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Sometimes I wonder what pdocs actually do with that weird information. Uh, tell me Ms. NARS, what kind of childhood did you have??!! ;)

But that will teach you, give you some of your own medicine! Lawyers always have me fill out so much crap. You're probably no exception. It I saw you for legal stuff I'd have to sign away, sign away.

Speaking of legal, I'm actually suing for the first time in my life. Very interesting. I'm also closing my dad's estate this week. Very exciting stuff!

Anyway, have a good night. I"m kidding and teasing. It is just very annoying to have to deal with all that stuff. And don't worry about having a seizure disorder. I think that usually they come out before you hit 30 or so, at least from what I"ve heard.

-- loon--

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Actually I'm a gubbinment lawyer, so my clients are agencies going after people's professional licenses when they seriously misbehave, like sexually abuse patients, steal & deal drugs or steal them for their own use, you get the idea.  My clients are often driven crazy by how obsessed I am with facts and with getting all the law in order, but that's what I'm paid for, so they generally succumb to my wiles.

I know the forms are for every patient, including those who have never gotten any psychiatric or psychological care before.  And it's always relevant how my family acted around me, and whether there's a family history of mental interestingness.  Lots of the questions are also trying to uncover PTSD issues, personality disorder issues, all kinds of stuff.  Seriously, there's about 50 pages of T/F, rating from 1-5, or narrative questions.  How he's going to cover that in one session I don't know.

He wanted to know the name of a close relative who will know if I move away.  I put down my parents, but if I freak out and move away they'd be the last I'd tell.  The only person I know for sure I'd tell is my therapist.  Now that's sad.

Of course, I woke up this morning with a wonky head.  My eyes keep crossing (driving was a bitch), I feel disembodied and floaty, I can't quite get a grip.  My brain feels like it's vibrating inside my head.  I know without trying that concentrating and getting analytical are going to be very, very hard this morning.  It just happens sometimes.  Sometimes I'm afraid that every little thing that's not wonderful is pathological.  Sigh.

Oh, and as for seizure disorders coming out before 30, I've had these symptoms my whole life.  After all, we later figured out that my sister had been having seizures since early childhood.  She'd just sit in a chair and stare out a window and you couldn't get her attention.  Absence seizures?  She wasn't diagnosed with epilepsy until she was about 15 and I discovered her in bed having a gran mal seizure.  Given all the varieties of seizure disorders there are, and how well I cover up anything wrong, it wouldn't be surprising if I had some mild thing going on along with my BP.

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Try not to be scared of the seizure stuff NARS.  I have simple partials along with all my other pretty stuff and they're okay.  They don't frighten me.  Actually, they're GONE now that I'm on the right medication.

I know I don't have the same associated memories that you have and I'm not trying to minimize your feelings.  I guess I'm just trying to say that there are a lot of us on the board that have BP and seizure-y stuff going on and we're all pretty cool people *wink*.  If you have the same or similar stuff going on, you'll be fine too.


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Yeah, I wonder what they do with all that fill-in stuff too.  I once wrote with three different therapists in the little tell-us-why-you're-here section that I was having problems with my advisor, and no one picked up on it.  I was too fucked up about it to bring it up on my own, so it didn't get talked about.

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Crazyone, that didn't sound mean, it sounded pissed.  I'd be pissed too if I thought the doc was just throwing meds at it.  Part of the reason I'm leaving the old pdoc is that I was starting to suspect he was making some arbitrary med decisions.

I'm actually encouraged by the questionnaire; I've heard he really uses it in his work and goes over most of it in the initial visit.  My old pdoc just asked me what was happening and didn't really take much history on my family, past, substance & alcohol abuse, sexual history, and other health problems.  Of course I filtered and didn't tell him stuff I was either really ashamed of or didn't think was important.  I've only realized in the past year or two how much I left out.

And thanks for the en-courage-ment, Groovyone.  I realize that if I get a more complete diagnosis I am likely to get more appropriate treatment.  Which makes me nervous because I've grown to fear med changes.  But I'm willing to undergo whatever is necessary because I don't like how I'm doing now.  And the next month or so is a good time to go through changes, as my schedule won't be quite as crazed as it has been.

Obviously I'm feeling a little better this afternoon.  I'm going to finish the questionnaire as soon as I get home today so I have time to settle down before going to bed.  Then I'm going to put it completely out of mind until I go see the doc.

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Heya NARS et al,

The most annoying experience for me was with that goddamn social worker who never took a history or kept any notes. 

She said, when I asked her about it, that in her sxperience MDs don't want a "paper trail." 

This led to her asking the same idiotic questions at every visit, and wasting our time and money getting things WRONG.

It did NOT inspire confidence to have to correct her on basic points.

As long as your psych looks at the questionnaire, he can use it to short-cut the history-taking and hopefully spend more time focusing on you actual issues.

I guess you're probebly asleep by now, wherever you are.  But anyway.  Good luck, hopefiully the hassle and triggering of filling in the questionnaire will pay off.


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