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I want this to end but I can't see it ending


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I was fine this morning and now I don't want to exist. I am so exhausted. I don't want to shower. I feel like I can't even force myself any more.  I wash myself everyday. I am scared that I am showing signs of psychosis but the nurse did not take notice. He asked me questions like are you hearing voices, seeing things, having delusional beliefs, etc....  And then he sent me back home.

 

I was fine this morning. But right now I want to quit my job because I am exhausted. I am scared I'll do it. But to tell the truth my job is my only way out of my house. That is the only sad little life I have.

My colleagues don't like me (is that not paranoia, am i not being delusional) because I am self absorbed and always think about myself... its always me, me me...

When they talk to me with that tone of voice, I feel like I did something wrong. I know it may be that they are having a bad day and why the hell would they waste their time thinking even bad things about me... but i think those things. And I realise I am paranoid I don't care what the nurse says.

 

The pdoc told me its depression and upped my meds and I still feel like I want the ground to swollow me up. I don't know what to do.

 

Sorry I realise I am writing a hell of a lot but I can't control how I am feeling I am sick of feeling like this.

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I am not a specialist but from my experience after about 2 years of coming and going delusions plus 1.5 psychotic episode, I think what you described about your colleagues behavior is a mild paranoid which I am struggling with almost everyday (Even if I know it is not real!).

I know it could be very confusing and exhausting, but what can we do? It is the illness and the circuitry of the brain, genetics or whatever the hell it is.

I think you should talk with a good psychiatric and explain exactly how you feel and think (In my opinion it is not just a depression, and somebody should look for the underlying cause and find a suitable drug for you). Probably with small doses of anti psychotic you can manage your everyday life like I do! 

 

I had a very bad depression for a long time too, which I wanted to kill myself and I was thinking about how to do it almost everyday. But now, I am feeling better, even if it comes and goes and sometimes I go out of control...

 

My biggest problem now is not depression but it is that little everyday delusions. Sometimes, I really can't recognize delusions from reality and I consider every fucking thing a delusion even if it is not. Who knows! 

 

when I go low and don't want to exist anymore I tell to myself: "The Dude Abides!"

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