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I've been stuck at my parents' house for almost a week. Required visit, not voluntary, and not one I can end early... plane tickets and immigration and stuff. It really sucks.

 

I get to go home tomorrow (Saturday) afternoon. It feels infinitely far away.

 

I've resisted sh all week. I couldn't bring my tools because no sharps in carryons. I have been left alone, mostly, during daytime hours while my parents are at work. I vowed not to buy replacements.

 

I have stood outside in -20C or worse winds. I have done the rubberband thing and stuck my head in the snow and journaled and distracted and changed environment.

 

Except today that didn't matter. I didn't even bother with any of that today. I just went around the house looking for something, anything. 

 

I fail. I didn't even manage to get what I wanted from it. Now the goal really has to be to not to buy my own sharps.

 

But mostly, I fail. And I hate myself for it.

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It seems to me that you tried so hard and struggled to resist for so long in a place where you didn't even want to be in the first place! Travelling is hard on almost everyone, and seeing one's parents is difficult even for many who would claim otherwise. 

No wonder you got worn down and had a moment of desperation. Those happen sometimes.

 

I hope that you can get back on track.

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Hey slip up's happen. I'm proud of you for resisting as along as you did and using so many techniques! I know it probably doesn't feel like it now, but it might be a good thing that you didn't get the feeling that you wanted. (I'm sorry I'm a little confused about your post, I don't know weather you self harmed and didn't get the feeling that you wanted, or you weren't able to find anything to self harm with.) 

 

Perhaps try to stay away from going out to do errands alone? I also try to tell myself that sharps and gauze and stuff is expensive, and I can use the money on something better. 

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Oh, I did self-harm. I just wasn't able to do it as severely as I wanted. Sorry, trying to describe what I'm feeling while trying not to violate the forum rules.

 

I'm doing a little better now; it really helps that I'm home now not stuck at my parents' house out of town. On the other hand, I am frustrated because I did sh once I got home, to get the level of damage I'd wanted. And of course, now at home I have my tools.

 

I didn't sh again while I was stuck there, and I didn't go buy sharps although I could've. I suppose those are good things. I'm still mad at myself though.

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The more that you're mad at yourself the more likely you are to do it again, I imagine. How might it be if you acknowledged that there were pressures and forces beyond your control (being with your parents) and that, now that you're home, you have a clean slate to start over?

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