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Hi there and many thanks

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Hi all, I've been browsing here for a few months now and am feeling like I want to engage a bit more. I also want to express my overflowing gratitude for this site, its members and its various resources. I've had many low moments recently, and jumping on here to read others' tales helps me feel vastly less alone.


I'll get as truthful as I can with a gaggle of strangers on the internet: I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Grew up in a family with plenty of dysfunction--they think everyone ELSE is the problem, of course--and have many coping mechanisms in place right now, but I'm in a new period of depression that has been really difficult to swim up from. 


I'm alarmed by my own indifference and lack of joy right now. I can handle having lows, but they're usually tempered by some happy stuff--even if it's just a cup of coffee, or grooming a houseplant. These days almost nothing pierces the overwhelming feeling of not caring.


I'm in a job that's an awful fit for me, but exhausted at the prospect of getting into something else. I also don't feel like I'm a fit with my city anymore, and am hoping for a quieter lifestyle, but I'm fearful of choosing the wrong place and ending up alone. I know these are having a major effect on my mood, and I'm trying to gather courage to make changes, but I'm kinda frozen right now.


I got out of a serious relationship a few months ago. But I identify predominantly with being single and alone, as that's how I've spent most of my adult (and pre-adult) life. Each time I date someone new, it gets a little more exhausting to muster a sense of lightness. I feel a lot of envy for people who are partnered, and I try hard to process it and work through it so I don't become resentful. But when I'm alone, I let myself feel it. It doesn't really dissipate.


A pdoc recently placed me "on the bipolar spectrum." I've tried a few mood stabilizers, but my body seems to be really sensitive to them and the side effects have been tough. So right now I'm switched over from Zoloft to Lexapro and waiting for it to work, and hopefully dialing down from Abilify, as it makes me too restless.


I also have a really handy phobia of throwing up that makes even typing this sentence slightly terrifying. I haven't thrown up for years, although my dog just leapt up from the couch and threw up on the rug as I began to write this, which I took as a sign to go for it. I can handle dogs throwing up, just not myself or other humans.


So, I'm one more drop in the bucket here. But this is as much a thanks as it is an introduction, so thanks to all of you.

Edited by Snout1440
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Oh, boy---you're going to fit in with THIS crowd!  I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad to hear that you are trying some meds.  I know that feeling of total indifference, and it's a beast to live with.  I hope something works for you and you can have some pleasure in your life again.


Welcome to our mixed jar of nuts!



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