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dpshaw

Inevitability of Suicide (TW)

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I’m not sure where to put this.  Since I think it’s driven most by my BPD, I’ll stick it in the personality disorders forum.  Mods, feel free to move as you see fit.

 

Does anyone else feel like their suicide is inevitable?  Recently, this thought has lodged itself in my head.  I mean, it may be 10 years or 20 years or even longer down the road, but I believe I will eventually take my own life.  I even told my tdoc this on Monday.  She didn’t try to convince me otherwise and I felt horrible when I finally got home (I even SH’ed a little).

 

What do I do with this?  This feeling that I’m going to eventually end up dead is messing with my motivation to get everyday tasks done, from my job to things as banal as doing the laundry or going grocery shopping.  It’s not exactly helping my relationship with my girlfriend either.  Everything seems empty and devoid of meaning.

 

I don’t know.  Does anyone feel like this sometimes?  What do you do to get through?

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A lot of the time due to my PTSD, I feel that I have no future.  I don't necessarily believe that I will kill myself, but a lot of the time I'm pretty sure someone or something else will kill me before I live out my life, or that something will happen to destroy whatever I am doing before I reach my goal.

 

It's hard for me to deal with how uncertain life is.  We are all dying.  Some of us faster than others.  I don't think that makes life meaningless.

 

It helps me to think about my goals and values.  My most important value is finding opportunities to give service to others, and help others through my life.  I can do that now.  There's a lot I'd like to do 10 or 20 years down the road, but if I died today, I'd still feel like I'd made a meaningful contribution in my time, and that's important to me.

 

When it comes to BPD specifically, the scientific evidence is encouraging.  It used to be thought that 10% of people with BPD would die by suicide.  Those are older numbers.  More recent studies have been more encouraging.  People with BPD tend to get better.  I'm thinking of a recent fairly large long term cohort where most of the patients improved over time (less self-harm, less hospitalizations, better functioning) and nobody died by suicide during the course of the study.

 

The vast majority of people with BPD will not die by suicide.  Even at that 10% number, that means that nine in ten people with BPD won't take their own lives, which is a huge majority.  Part of the criteria for BPD is chronic suicidality.  I would imagine that a massive chunk of people with BPD are extremely suicidal a huge chunk of the time - and yet even STILL most of them do not die.  I bet that a lot of them, like you, are quite convinced that they will.

 

Most likely, you will not take your own life, just playing by the pure numbers.  The odds are vastly on your side.

 

I wonder if the sense of meaningless is perhaps a bit separate from the idea of dying by suicide.  I can be quite sure that I will die soon (and again the vast likelihood is that neither you nor I will die of our illness) and still have a sense of meaning, by considering my values and how I want to be in the world.  We are all dying.  I don't mean that to be invalidating - just to say that mortality doesn't make life meaningless.  It just means that we have to be conscious of looking for and finding meaning in the time that we have.

 

Feelings of meaninglessness for me seem to come more from hopelessness about my illness and my quality of life and my functionality, rather than the idea of my death.

Edited by tryp

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It's funny.  When I'm depressed and I have these thoughts, it seems like a reason to never do anything again.

 

When I'm not depressed, but my PTSD is bad, I still have the thoughts.  But it doesn't stop me from living my life.  It's just there in the back of my head.  I feel like living whatever time I have, as best as I can.

 

So, I don't know.  I wonder if there's something more there than just feeling doomed to die by suicide.  I could be wrong though.

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I relate to what you've said. I have ok days and terrible days. Sometimes I feel like I can go on and life will be better--yadda yadda... And other days all I can think is that being dead beats living this life. I admire your courage to actually say what you said because that's how I feel too--like I know I'm going to do it one day and that doing anything is just pointless. But I don't act on my feelings. My support people help encourage me to just take it a day at a time and let the feelings pass through. I'm glad that I do that because in a day or so when the sun comes out, I feel better and am grateful to be alive--even if my life is pretty sucky.

 

So I guess it's normal to feel the way you do...I guess it's what you do about the feeling that matters. When you feel that everything is pointless, do you have people to tell you it's not? You've got us here if that helps :)

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I thought I was going to kill myself before I graduated high school.

My entire adult life has been a totally unexpected event.

We are all going to die eventually...but you probably still have a ways to go.

I figure I will get to 75 or so, unless cancer, or stupid driving, or fatal asthma.

I think that...if I started to get obsessed about my death, self-imposed or not, I'd go play musical meds again.

Edited by Stickler

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It's good to know I'm not the only one with these feelings. I know that odds are probably against me offing myself, but I also know that I have a tendency toward suicide attempts (it's a good thing I haven't succeeded yet) as well as a cluster of symptoms that leads me to think about it more than your average Joe. I'll keep seeing help and will do my best to ward off my suicidal impulses.

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I feel this way all the time and I totally relate to the part about not being motivated to get anything done as a result. I don't have any answers for you as I struggle with this myself.

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In a word, yes. Ever since I really became depressed (and started making plans and all that sh*t), thats the way I assumed my life would go (double entendre?). I try to think of it as I don't need to make any plans or decisions now. I'm still alive and fairly healthy. My friend and I joke about strapping ourselves to fireworks on new years when we're in our 90's. 

 

I used to feel 'compelled' to kill myself by the OCD voices. They'd tell me it was inevitable, not in an ominous way, in a sort of panicky 'lets press the red button first instead of someone else' kind of way. 

 

I find it's better to ease up on your own rules than to do something permanent. Okay so I don't have any clean clothes, it's better to have dirty clothes than to be dead. Okay I'm unemployed, better unemployed than dead. I don't know if that helps. 

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Yeah, all the time. I still don't see the point of it. But keep trying the best I can to do okay in life despite knowing I have nowhere to go or that I'm going to end up dying soon. It makes each day slightly more bearable. I stopped living for myself years ago and am only dragging myself along for others hoping that soon I'll be allowed to go. 

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I relate; I feel that I will take my own life one day. This thought has been in my head for almost 10 years, and it does not seem to go away anytime soon. Some days, it drags me down, and I don't do anything. Other days, it lets me live. That's about it. Pdoc told me it's just part of my diagnosis, and I should not try to know why I think this way. It's a shitty answer. It angers me.

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I think about this all the time and I do think that it's just a matter of time; however, it doesn't mean that what we do while we're here is pointless. It just means we may not be able to reap the full benefits of all we do.

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I often feel like I will kill myself or that I will die soon from some other cause. It's frustrating.

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I do not think it is inevitable. I do think of it as an option. I do not want to go on like this and I am impatient with my healing process. So I regularly think that it would be better to off myself. I will probably never try, though, because I am afraid of pain and mutilation.

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I don't feel I will ever intentionally take my own life but right now unless I can get the compulsive self harm under control there is a fear that I will accidentally take my own life.

So for me is more the inevitability of unintentionally causing my own death.

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I understand this line of thinking perfectly. I, too, feel I will eventually kill myself. Honestly, I think I'll probably wait until both of my parents are dead, or until my rope is gone, so to speak. My life really has no natural conclusion, unless some unexpected accident or cancer takes me. It'll be my hand or that. I'm not meant for old age. I'm not long for this world.

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