So it has been a while since I have posted on the forum, but I wanted to hear from others on this topic. What does identity instability look like for people with borderline personality disorder? I want to get feedback from people who actually deal with this problem. The reason is that I believe I deal with this problem (feeling like I don't know who I am, confusion about gender/sexuality, not knowing what I truly believe in, feeling like I lose myself in others, changing goals/career ideas, etc.) This is a longstanding issue.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder initially, and this was changed to Schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type. My original psychiatrist denied the possibility of BPD, but I feel like that is a more accurate dx than the other two. (In all honesty, I heard from other medical staff later on that this PDoc basically dx'd everyone as bipolar!) Also, I was diagnosed only after a reaction to a medication (which was possible due to the newly published DSM V), and I feel that the majority of "psychotic" symptoms that I experienced (that led to the dx change) were caused by the many other med cocktails I was given over the years. I'm very sensitive to medications, and have tried many to no success.
I've read about real life experiences from people with all these disorders, and none of them have spoken so truly to me as borderline has. I started crying the other day because it made so much damn sense. I am not looking for a diagnoses from anyone. I just want to hear from others...I am going through a very bad stretch, and I just want to feel like I am not alone.
I want to avoid posts indicating that everyone goes through identity crisis. I know that. But this is something that has been with me for a looong time. So, to anyone who is willing to share a bit of their story with me: Thank you in advance. I really need to know I am not alone in this right now.
What kind of job do you enjoy?
I really enjoyed working in security for quite a while. Always time to socialize, adaptive to both low and high energy states. Always new situations to manage. Need space? Do a perimeter check, or pretend to read important stuff. Need to keep busy? Create a new filing system, or help someone out with whatever they're doing or forgot to do.
In a sucky job right now and brainstorming. Also interested in what everyone else likes to do and why.
One thing I have heard that pdocs and tdocs not infrequently tell their patients with psychotic disorders is that they should lower their expectations and not expect to have any kind of meaningful career. (One example that sticks out in my head is Elyn Saks being told she should quit law school and instead become a cashier.) I had never run into this in the past; of course, I was being treated as primarily having a mood disorder, with the psychotic element of it having little attention until recently. But something my tdoc said recently really stuck out, which was that I was actually doing really well, since I have a decent job, which of course implies that having a decent job at all - even though a good amount of the time I have been essentially flailing at it over the past year - is exceptional, and that I should not expect to have one at all - even though I had never even thought of not having a job (aside from when between two different jobs), or even taking off from my job (except when I have to go IP), even at my very most ill, as even a possibility
So have any of you ran into this sort of thing yourselves?
How many people here work consistently (full-time or part-time?) and how are you also able to also manage this condition successfully? Is your job high-level/stressful or is it a relief/distraction? Have you ever had to take medical leave, had frequent hospitalizations or have you ever been "let go" due to your issues?
Also: Do you live alone or with roommates or with your parents? Have great supportive friends that regularly check-in with you? Do you worry about losing your health insurance and being able to afford treatment?
I'm just curious how other people here cope.
Does anyone else have terror that they aren't who they believe they are? Or that there is no them at all? I worry that I'm just this shell who reacts to things, and never thinks for myself. What if all the things I think I am are false? I feel like I'm going crazy. Does anyone else feel like this?