Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

How can I help my boyfriend?


Recommended Posts

Hi,

My boyfriend is getting eaten alive my his OCD/GAD/panic disorder.

He prides himself on not taking meds for anything. He has some Xanax that he takes when it gets bad, but it is only prn.

How can I help him? He is upset about my current job/health issues and is in tears over it. On the other hand, I only get upset that he's upset. I don't really care about my issues right now as I have a good feeling they'll be fine soon.

How can I help him>?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why does he pride himself on not taking meds? Do you think seeking help would make him feel weak or something? Is he anxious about treating his anxiety? If that rings true, could you explore that possibility with him?

Life is too short to suffer like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know what I have found to be true with everyone I encounter.  Is they just want to be heard and acknowledged.  No one can take these things away from us, but others can support us in our struggles by acknowledging it.  Also touch is extremely important.  And, finally, using sex to take our mind away from our troubles!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The best thing you could do is the least likely thing you will do....

Tell him to get healthy or get lost.

Sound harsh? Well, call it tough love if you want.

It isn't his fault he has anxiety. It is his fault he isn't taking care of his illness. That isn't good for either of you.

Prides him self on NOT taking meds??? Grumble grumble grumble grumble

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband also suffers from depression and anxiety. He has since he was a teen, he is now in his 60's.

Young people in general, especially men, find it hard to accept that there is "something wrong". Mine was off his meds and miserable several times. He finally came to terms with it in his 40's.

You can't do anything for him. You can print out information and let him read it. You can show him sites like remedyfind.com that this is a pretty normal condition and meds do help. And with anxiety they are not always forever.

You can get him to try and work out, meditate, get into yoga, anything that will relax his mind.

But in the long run sadly, you kinda have to do what Wifezilla is saying. I dumped my now husband 30 years ago because I couldn't handle the stress of his disease. When I re-met him 20 years later, he had accepted who is was, and was on meds and stable. We have been together ever since. (My math is off, we have been together 14 years. Oh well.) We have been married for 8 years.

MY POINT IS: you can suggest, but in the long run, it is up to him. And nagging will get you nowhere fast.

Breeze

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell him to get healthy or get lost.
I'm right here with ya - delivering my own ultimatum. Wifezilla is right.

It's one thing to help someone who is trying to address their issues - but it's simply fruitless to work yourself silly providing support and understanding to someone who does not take reaosnalbe steps to understand and support themselves.

How can I help him? He is upset about my current job/health issues and is in tears over it. On the other hand, I only get upset that he's upset. I don't really care about my issues right now as I have a good feeling they'll be fine soon.

Okay - let's say you're right - you're going to be just fine soon. But what about when you're not? When, say, your mother dies, or you get into an accident and lose your leg - and he's too upset about your issue to give you the support you need and deserve? When HE sucks up all the air that you need to cry and grieve? HJe's too busy crying and feeling bad to help you rehab? Not able to be sunny for you when you're under a cloud?

Dramatic examples, to be sure - but If he does not address his sissues - this is what will happen. You will always have to be the strong one - regardless of how hard things are on you. You will not be able to get the support in return.

Trust me - this sucks. Whatever you do, don't marry the fool unless he fixes himself - and I don't mean for a couple of weeks, either. Evidence over a long, long time is all that is acceptable here.

pigs

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marry him?!! Yeah right! He is too nervous to even live together! He's afraid that if we live together it will ruin our relationship. It could, because I'd that much more annoyed with his non-medicated ways.

I've got to do something. Usually he IS too busy moaning about his latest travesty than listening to me. He just obsesses about what I do tell him and worries about it.

I"m an only child and my mom gives me everything in her will, so while that is a morbid thought, at least I'm secure in that. I know the money from my dad's estate should be coming soon...it has "been coming soon" since the Thanksgiving festivities!

I don't know why he's so weird abotu meds. The only med he takes is Xanax prn. He should take an SSRI and Klonopin or something! But he's in the arts and claims it dampens his creativity. I think stress probably dampens it more than meds!

Changing is hard. I've been with him for 4 years. While it could be better and he could be better, it feels like the one constant in my life. That's why I've stayed. I feel the topsy-turvy of BP life and then he is there, always there. (maybe no one else would stand him!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess it depends on how long you have invested in this relationship.  Or something else that everyone sees that I don't see.  You do have to take care of yourself first. 

Luckily, I'm not in that position.  Although I am, and have been, going through a long stretch of mental instability I am able to support my man when he needs me.  I know  he will do the same for me.  We love each other,  The strong one listens to the vulernable one, The strong one acknowledges the vulenerable ones pain. We hold each other.  We touch each other. Then together we move on to the next day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How can I help him? He is upset about my current job/health issues and is in tears over it. On the other hand, I only get upset that he's upset. I don't really care about my issues right now as I have a good feeling they'll be fine soon.

How can I help him>?

been there and it totally sucks.

the thing is, by being upset about YOUR problems as a way to avoid his own issues, he's not just hurting himself by avoiding his issues, he's invalidating your problems by making his pain over your life more important than your own emotions. 

i'm not saying that you need to kick him to the curb, but the best thing you can do to help him, and help yourself, is tell him flat out that by stealing the stage like that, he's hurting you.  he may feel that he's being empathetic and caring, but by taking away your chance to get comfort because he is unwilling to face his own problems, he's undermining your ability to seek emotional support from him. 

perhaps, if you expain to him that by avoiding his issues he's affecting you, he'll be able to do it "for the team" if he is unwilling to admit on his own that he needs more help than a xanax here or there.

I don't know why he's so weird abotu meds. The only med he takes is Xanax prn. He should take an SSRI and Klonopin or something! But he's in the arts and claims it dampens his creativity.  I think stress probably dampens it more than meds!

are you dating my ex?

seriously, that made me do a double take.

i hate that line. 

yes, some artists are crazy... but not all crazy people are artistic.  A+B does not equal C there.  meds usually help creativity by giving a person more functional hours during which to be creative.  grrr.  that argument just really annoys me.  (it's 5 years later and it still annoys me, apparently.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've got to do something. Usually he IS too busy moaning about his latest travesty than listening to me. He just obsesses about what I do tell him and worries about it.
Well I use humor a lot. When my husband gets like this I usually say something like "let's run worse case scenarios". And he starts laughing and we stop.

He should take an SSRI and Klonopin or something! But he's in the arts and claims it dampens his creativity.

First of all, I just learned a very valuable lesson that I will pass on to you: Stop trying to rx him. Suggest a p-doc. But that is all you can do.

And the "dampens creativity" is bullshit. My husband is "heavily medicated" and one of the most creative people I know. He is into Dada art, music, and lately, film. He never stops. The meds don't interfere, they allow him to do what he wants to do.

Breeze

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...