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My confession


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I'm new to SI. I guess this is part of my honesty program and acknowledging the things wrong with me that I have denied before. I'm at the point where I need to address myself--all myself--and not hide from truth anymore.

 

I don't know if this is ok to ask, but why do you all do it? I'm curious. You see I do it not to feel pain, but to let the pain out. I'm the opposite of numb. I'm like that throbbing exposed root of your tooth that aches and keeps you up all night. I feel things to the point of being unable to escape from the feeling....the pain. And when that happens, that's when I SI. I'm not doing major damage but it's a new thing for me and it's worrying me. It's like, there's so much pain inside that crying doesn't help--nothing helps but SI because it's somehow letting the pain flow from me...like a dam letting water through when the pressure builds up.

 

I read some stuff that people who are numb do it to feel, but I do it to stop feeling--to release the neverending pain.

 

Would anyone like to talk about Si and why they do it and how they feel? I know after I've done something I don't feel ashamed...I do mine where it can't be easily seen. I don't feel bad even that I do it either...I just know that I have an overflowing of pain inside and it needs to be released.

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During my abuse, I was being hurt and comforted simultaneously.

Now it is comforting to hurt myself.

It makes me calm, comforted, a little numb, back in control.

Edited by Stickler
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My self harm has generally been about being so overwhelmed by feelings that hurting myself is the only way to make it stop.

 

 

Being a maochist and all, for me it's a bit diffrent, I don't really hate myself. It's that pain, that rush.

 

 

I don't know if you're specifically referring to sexual masochism here, but if you are, that is not the same as self injury.

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It started as training to take the abuse. And then it morphed into a magic thought of "if I do it just right he will see that I hurt myself already and not feel the need to hurt me." while that never worked it set the stage. Now it's a ritual for protection which obviously doesn't work but sometimes happens at times of too many overwhelming things at once.

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When I self injured, it was a "metered dose" to try to interrupt intrusive sensations and flashbacks from PTSD... trying to create a substitute body sensation that I could control vs one that I couldn't.

 

Mostly... there were two times that I was really impulsive about it because I was just fucking crazy. Oddly or not, those are the two injury sites that I have the most difficult time making peace with.

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My self harm has generally been about being so overwhelmed by feelings that hurting myself is the only way to make it stop.

 

 

Being a maochist and all, for me it's a bit diffrent, I don't really hate myself. It's that pain, that rush.

 

 

I don't know if you're specifically referring to sexual masochism here, but if you are, that is not the same as self injury.

nah, I cut, but it's not always sexual

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A way to get out the anger and frustration that I had with myself. Anger for being ill, for not being able to get over the depression, for being so weak etc. it was not a good mental state. At least now I am much more accepting of being depressed, and only self harm once in a blue moon after a really bad day.

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I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner guys....I've been having a flare up of my physical illness. If it's not the crazy, its the physical stuff....

 

I've been reading all of your posts and they all make sense to me and they all apply to me. At first I thought it was my way of letting the extra-pain out...like water out of a dam, but all the other reasons apply too. If my mood is funky, any kind of SI shifts my mood to that instead. I've been learning coping skills though so I don't do that and instead use distractions and mind-occupying things to take my attention away from the urge.

 

Woo, that's me too in that I do it in doses so I can release the pain and stuff...and that's how I thought of it too. Like some crazy kind of self-medication.

 

Queenie, thanks too for what you said--that gave me stuff to think about...besides the OCD. Part of my getting 'healthier' is to accept all my problems, illnesses, limitations, etc. And it's taken me literally forever to accept that I have a kind of OCD--mostly the obsessive thoughts, although there's a bit of the repetition of '3'. It's only after reading your post that I realized that I was using SI to 'medicate' the OCD. Instead of using better tricks to handle the OCD, I would resort to SI. I realize after all the therapy I've had and continue to have, that there are better, more appropriate ways of dealing with the OCD aspect besides SI.

 

Katie, I relate to what you posted too....alot. Beyond my frustration with myself is a core belief that I'm bad, unworthy and unlovable. That I deserve to suffer 'just because'. In addressing my SI and all the reasons why I do it, I am also exploring my faulty core beliefs and trying to rewrite them. I keep reading that section in this one book about how we've been programmed by our upbringing, environment, etc and that we can reprogram ourselves to not be that way and to not believe those negative thoughts. It's soooo hard though. That's the hardest part for me--believing that I'm ok just as I am and am worthy of love and the life given to me. It's really the hardest work I've been doing but it's also the one that's going to help me overcome my destructive SI impulses and control my OCD.

 

I want to really really thank everyone who's been so kind to respond. I appreciate all your honest responses. For me, I haven't been able to be truthful about my illnesses, besides the depression and anxiety, until now. And it helps to know that I'm not alone.  :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I haven't self harmed in 2 years, but had done it off and on for about a decade

My reasonings changed... Most of the time it was to release frustration, sometimes it was so I didn't do it to others, sometimes I did it as a type of revenge, sometimes it was to numb the feelings, sometimes control, and sometimes to make myself feel... And sometimes just because felt like it and was bored.

I'd say 75% of the time it was about control

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  • 2 weeks later...

hi!

 

so get what you're all saying!! My self-injury has mostly been about control.I love that feeling of being able to control something when everything else is in chaos. When my thoughts and emotions are racing and everything’s out of control being able to control how much I bleed just makes me feel like I’m back in the driving seat.  

 

i think the problem is though you having to go deeper or do it more often to get that same feeling. i think its defiantly an addiction now i would suggest that OP if you are new TO NOT START!! its so difficult to stop.. i get urges to cut all the time even when i don't really want to, i'm only saying this as i wish i had known before i got into it. I totally get it as a cutter myself, the instant  relief, the power, the control but all that good stuff doesn't last. when your're struggling for space on your body but desperate to cut, when your out and everyone else is having a good time and all you can think about is how to escape so you can sneak off and cut, when you see the look on your families faces.. if i had known all of this before i started i wouldn't have. its too late for me but i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

 

And dont forget people judge you according too the stereotypes, rather than actually getting to know you or even trying to understand. Makes me laugh how they think we do it because we’re whiny little teenage attention seekers! UMM HELLO THERE!! It’s like 180 degrees outside and I’m in my fucking long sleeve jacket thinking I’m going to pass out any minute!! Even professionals do it.. judgmental fuckers!!! you would think they would know better but they don't.. i know they would though if they lived in my body and felt the things that i do!! 

 

 

get back to me guys : wanna hear your thoughts 

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In high school when I self harmed it was because I believed that I needed to "beat myself up" because everyone else did. I was extremely bullied in school and I was physically and sexually abused at home for 15 years. Beating and hurting myself was the only thing I knew. I cut, but I also used to literally beat myself up. Much like what you see in Fight Club.

 

Now, I self harm because I feel so "numb" and my brain is so "loud" that the only way I can feel properly again is if I cut myself.

 

I am working diligently to try and use other techniques or things that don't involve cutting but I am having a hard time. Nothing seems to hit the reset button the same way for me.

 

It has also been discovered through therapy that most of the self harm I do happens when I am in a dissociated state. I don't actually realize I am doing it until it is already too late and/or over.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i think its different every time i do it. i do it for different reasons on different days. idk. i just do it i suppose - i was bullied at school so i think i started doing it because of that, but its adaptable if that makes sense. so sometimes ts because i want control, other times i just want some peace. 

Edited by westie33
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