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Edit: I always told someone


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could it be a way to be asking for help?

or even a way to push others away?

 

Sometimes I tell stuff to people so they can reject me right up front before I care.  Then I dont get hurt. Then I am in control.

 

Do you see a Tdoc,  might be something to explore with them.

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I had the opposite of this problem pretty much. I never told anybody. I kept my cutting hidden for years, and if one of my friends would become suspicious I would completely close up and push them away. It was a problem. The one person I told a lot was my now boyfriend. We started talking because we noticed each others cuts, and at the time we were the only other people we knew who cut the way we did. But even then when I cut I tried to hide it from him, but most of the time he would find out, Or I would tell him. I think part of it was I hated lying. It feels really crappy to constantly lie to someone, and it feels crappy to carry around this giant weight of a secret.

 

I think it's better. I mean, I know I honestly preferred when my boyfriend, or other self harmer friends told me. Because I was always worried about it anyway, so them telling me made me feel better actually. If that makes sense. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I wouldn't outright tell anyone in real life but there was a time where I was very careless about hiding it, though that was some years ago. Frankly, I didn't care at the time, and would be numb to whatever followed.

 

Later there was a friend online I always felt the need to confess to.

 

This is a different matter, but I've experienced a similar thing with telling people such things, but without having actually done it. Telling them I'm having suicidal thoughts, that I want to self-harm: all the (true) things going through my head. But in that case it was to stop myself and I was feeling a very particular way. Basically I felt like I had utterly lost myself. As if my mind was far away, way out of reach, and any ability to feel emotions or (it felt) know right from wrong with it. Yet, I was thinking all of these things and doing all of these things and my body was reacting in ways indicative of very strong emotions.

 

It "scared" me but at the same time I didn't exactly feel the fear. Like everything, these thoughts and feelings and actions were completely endless and I told other people in an attempt to contact something solid. To make it real makes sense. It was in a way asking for help. I didn't want to manipulate people in the sense of making them do something but I wanted something solid, something to stop me, like a human wall, but the wall wouldn't be able to know that I couldn't pass through unless I made the wall aware of the reality of what was going on. In less weird terms, I needed connection (sorry if the previous made no sense whatsoever, I'm not sure...it's very abstract and difficult to explain) and telling was a sort of desparate way of trying to reach it. Honestly, though, I don't recall it ever working.

 

Maybe it's in some way similar for you, or maybe completely different.

Edited by amianthus
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