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last week before my most recent injection i had an utter meltdown over the number of letters in someone-to-be's name. the shitty thing is, apart from the total meltdown and the panic and the not being able to figure out a way around it, is that i was so fixated on this number and it turns out...that's not the number it adds up to. i literally couldn't see that though. in all fairness nobody i freaked out to actually added up the letters. but still...

 

anyway, so in talking with my psychiatrist this week about the whole thing he said there are times when things i experience are more related to psychosis and times when i'm relatively stable and they're more related to what he quite gingerly called my "ocd traits"...but i know full well he thinks i have ocd, too. he's just clever enough not to throw it in my face. well, back to my point: since i'm on reduced medications for at least the next week or two, he said what i'm having is the convergence of these two things that aren't being fully treated either of them (there are extenuating circumstances i don't want to get into here) and they flip flop back and forth as far as what a given situation can be best attributed to. so the one above, there are parts that are whatever anxiety i have about numbers and parts that are delusion.

 

i'm sure i've had this happen before, but i can't remember specifically when and what and so it feels new. though he assured me it's definitely something that i've reported at other times. have others done this? and, if so, with what symptoms/ailments? it sounds like a tug of war, but then when it's happening, it feels "right" when it's on the psychosis side, but then i get this moments where it hits me that i'm being a nutter about this, but i can't not be concerned. and that's what he says is where he'd say the divide lies for me between the two ailments or whatever. the entrenchment versus the insight or whatever. at any rate, can others here relate is what i'm posting to ask. not psychosis/ocd, specifically, but that vacillating between.

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Oh!  Me!  If I get what you are saying!

 

Right now I'm in an episode that started with depression, then switched to psychotic features (people are tracking me and scanning me, and they can see my thoughts and I'm also transmitting them out to certain people who are receptive).  I have some OCD features too, like I have that the thought that aliens are tracking me and implanting thoughts in my brain but I'm not convinced of it.  I don't actually know if that's OCD or psychotic.  I HAD to tell my husband though, it was a necessity, which seems a little OCD.  

 

But if I'm feeling depressed, my head is closed and nobody can see or hear my thoughts.  Nobody is tracking me.  When those things are happening, my mood is fine.  And then it switches again.  

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Oh!  Me!  If I get what you are saying!

 

Right now I'm in an episode that started with depression, then switched to psychotic features (people are tracking me and scanning me, and they can see my thoughts and I'm also transmitting them out to certain people who are receptive).  I have some OCD features too, like I have that the thought that aliens are tracking me and implanting thoughts in my brain but I'm not convinced of it.  I don't actually know if that's OCD or psychotic.  I HAD to tell my husband though, it was a necessity, which seems a little OCD.  

 

But if I'm feeling depressed, my head is closed and nobody can see or hear my thoughts.  Nobody is tracking me.  When those things are happening, my mood is fine.  And then it switches again.  

 

yes! thank you so much for relating. it feels like it's its own sort of crazy-making in addition to the distinct things...like one and one ailments make three. that's how this feels in aftermath, for sure.

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Yeah.  And it makes me wonder....is this psychotic depression?  Or depression and psychosis?  With my usual dab of OCD (my pdoc says there is overlap between BP/SZA and OCD, and so even though I have OCD symptoms, he won't dx me with it, because "psychiatrists have a fetish for diagnoses".  

 

It matters to me a bit because I meet the diagnostic criteria for SZA, but my working dx is BP, because my pdoc feels I talk more and think more like a BP person than a SZA person.  I'm never sure how to take that.  

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Having both a SZ disorder and OCD I can so relate to everything you wrote melli.

I have this thing with numbers too. I have to end all things in numbers that are "good". Or look at the clock and watch it until a "good" number appears. I turn the volume of the radio to a "safe" or "good" number. The laundry has to be hung on different hooks a certain numbers apart. I have to workout for an exact certain time on the machine at the gym or I'll gain a ton of weight. It makes sense to me and feels right and safer. My whole day can be off or ruined if I don't end something on a "proper" number.

But sometimes it goes further than just that. I start thinking about number significance and how it will and does influence the order of things in the world. Things will go right with proper numbers and things will go wrong with incorrect numbers. There are supreme reasons why numbers exist and there are right and wrong ones. It's all very complex and I could probably babble on for hours.

I tend to "forget" I have OCD. I always think about the SZA because it's my primary disorder/issue and I consider the GAD my second biggest issue. So, there's that. But damn the OCD can get so bad if I'm stuck in a deep obsessive issue. I can't think of anything else literally. It takes over my life completely. I neglect a lot. OCD was my very first psych diagnosis when I was like 13 too.

So. Yes. I just wanted to say I can relate to everything including the meltdown feeling. Sorry that happened to you.

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I have ocd and sza

 

 

I have weird things where if I start to pay attention to numbers   say like calories  I make it into a contest to eat the perfect number

 

things on my plate have to be eaten in the right order or else the food will rot

 

I have all sorts of weird things that aren't coming to mind that are just natural for me    like I don't even really notice they are bizarre unless someone points them out

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This is interesting to me.  It seems pretty confusing to differentiate between psychotic symptoms and ocd symptoms because the stuff about numbers sounds like the classic "magical thinking" that I attribute to psychosis.  Makes me wonder if there is a correlation, etc.

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I have this thing with numbers too. I have to end all things in numbers that are "good".

But sometimes it goes further than just that. I start thinking about number significance and how it will and does influence the order of things in the world. Things will go right with proper numbers and things will go wrong with incorrect numbers. There are supreme reasons why numbers exist and there are right and wrong ones. It's all very complex and I could probably babble on for hours.

yes, exactly! i could've totally written both of those bits. sometimes it's that the number just has to be "right" or there will be consequences so i have to cut deals with the universe/make restitution (i fucking loathe evens and numbers that are too "tidy" in various ways).

and then at other times i am fighting this battle with the arch fiend four whose very existence mocks me and is clearly plotting my demise and there are codes to decipher either properly or not and if i fail, i don't want to say because that makes it more real, you know?

anyway, yeah, i could go on and on about it but i related a lot to the bits i quoted of yours xx

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The one I can think of right now is the most stark for me:

 

My anxiety is health anxiety and fear of having a fatal illness. I frequently have suicidal depression. This has put me in situations where I want to kill myself but I am terrified that I might die from something. It's like both run on different tracks and while they both pull at my mind they never really meet

 

The last time the anxiety was really serious was in 2002, with episodes throughout 2004-2007, and last month is the most recent.

 

The suicidal ideation was intense for years but over the past year has been less present and is not very present at all right now although last week some stressors got it going again, and they'll act on me again soon enough.

 

But both can happen at the same time.

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