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Long Term Relationships

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Marriages/Relationships are very complicated and one answer may work for one couple but not for another. The HuffPost polled an interesting group of professionals, including a child of divorced parents, to get a short list of suggestions for long term coupleship. It's actually a pretty good summary of what works, in my humble yet experienced opinion. So I cut and pasted the entire article. 

11 Be-All-End-All Marriage Mistakes That Lead To Divorce

The Huffington Post  |  By Brittany Wong
Posted:  03/05/2015 3:28 pm EST Updated:  03/06/2015 11:59 am EST

 

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CSA Images/Printstock Collection via Getty Image

 

 

You can never really tell if a marriage has what it takes to last "till death do us part." Still, there are some people who have a slightly better sense of a married couple's chances -- if only because they've seen firsthand what drives couples to divorce.

Below, 11 divorce experts -- marriage therapists, divorce attorneys, religious figures and divorced people themselves -- share the most crippling mistakes two people can make in an otherwise solid marriage.

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The mistake: Putting sex on the back burner.

"Avoiding sex or giving up on it can start the slippery slope to infidelity or even divorce. Let's face it: Without a good sex life, it's easier to give up on a marriage. The state of your erotic relationship is like the canary in the coal mine; if it’s still alive, it’s still worth saving. Your sexual connection is a barometer for your intimate life. Having sex, whether you are 'in the mood' or not, is an important part of staying connected and feeling in love. Yes, you might be great companions or even best friends. And you can co-parent and pay the bills and run the business of your marriage or relationship together quite well. Some couples do that for years, and they tell all their friends and family about how well they manage their lives as a couple. 

 

Link to  the rest of the article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/05/marriage-mistakes-that-lead-to-divorce_n_6795674.html

 

 

 

 

Edits:

------------------

Note:  I edited out most of the article because you can't reproduce copyrighted material without permission from the author and publisher.  Please follow the link to read the rest  of the story.

 

olga

Moderator

--------------------

Hi Olga!

(typoing with purring kitty, sorry)

I had no idea you couldn't reprint articles. tI thought if I put the authors  name it would be ok. I like to paste because links are lost in time. Can I copy and past just the text part? 

Edited by water
see reason above

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That was an excellent read!  Thank you!  Today it seems so many poeple are selfish or too independent to take another's needs into consideration.  A relationship forum I frequent reads just like those key points of the failure of a marriage. 

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I like this.  As someone who has been living common-law with my husband for over 5 years and who is getting legally married in June, this is good.  I think we are in good shape, but I agree with all of this.  

 

A lot comes down to respect and consideration for the other person; much will follow based on that.  Shared values are important as well.  Not that you have to be of the same background, but that your basic human values match up.  What's important to you.  

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Been married 11 years to a great guy and our marriage is pretty good, however,  I'll admit I am far from the best wife ever.  The suggestions in the article were spot on.

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Hi, water.  No, it's a violation of copyright law to reproduce the entire article without permission from the author.  Even if you credit the author, it could get CB in trouble.  VE has set up this policy to proctect the site from getting sued by authors who might find their work reproduced here without permission.

 

Links can become old, but if a member has the name of the article and the source, they can go to that website and search for the story.  Sorry if it's cumbersome, but VE has asked us to be careful about this issue.  It comes up when people find articles on medical issues or medications and then they want to post the whole thing.  No can do. :)

 

However, I do agree that the author makes some good points and I hope there are couples here at CB who heed this advice.

 

olga

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Very good article. Lots of excellent points!

I've had single friends ask what "our secret is" "you two seem to really still like each other" "you're so loving to each other and laugh"...it ain't no secret, sweetums! It takes work, a commitment to be in it for the long haul, and not every day will be puppies and roses! And owning your own sh**.

It can be the best thing ever, if you want it to be.

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I've had single friends ask what "our secret is" "you two seem to really still like each other" "you're so loving to each other and laugh"...it ain't no secret, sweetums! It takes work, a commitment to be in it for the long haul, and not every day will be puppies and roses! And owning your own sh**.

 

 

Amen to that!!128fs318181.gif

Not everyday is puppies and toast. lol.

 

Lots of weevils, ragweed and pitbulls along with the butterflies and roses. 

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Been married 11 years to a great guy and our marriage is pretty good, however,  I'll admit I am far from the best wife ever.  

I say that as well,but know....ummm...I think we are just beating ourselves up.

 

What is a 'good wife' anyway?  You ARE doing the best can which means you  ARE a good wife.

 

What about a wife who has food on the table every day but never listens to her partners 'afterwork' commentary.

Is that a good wife because he/she does what society expects? I'd prefer the partner who can 'talk;' rather than one who remembers my birthday. And that is what I have. lol.

He is amazing, but he does forget birthdays, never brings me flowers and frequently puts peanut butter clogged knives in the kitchen sink. who cares. He loves me for who I am, he makes me a better person, he is an amazing dad- the one we always wanted, we have similar needs (bit of a stay at home couple who spent the first half of our relationship traveling all over South/Central America, and most of all - HE IS WILLING IF NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND AND DEAL WITH MY DEPRESSION.

 

My husband does definitely have the harder end of the deal, but not because I am a bad wife, because I am a very complicated and emotional and easily reactive person who tends to worry. He never worries, never judges, doesn't give a hoot what anyone thinks about him, has great confidence. But he is not arrogant. He is also not social. I could go on and on.

 

Talking to a girlfriend last night who is, maybe, polyamorous. I thought alot about relationships. I do believe it makes no difference who we end up with, as long as you are physically attracted and the timing is right and you generally like the person.

 

Then, it is all hard word. Communication, communication, communication. The honeymoon stage ends early. I know of one, maybe two couples, who were like John Lennon and Yoko Ono. One was my brother who passed away. I saw this relationship first hand. They were two halves of one person.

 

My hubs and I are interconnected. We both have complete lives on our own. He does NOT need me. This came out in a fight earlier t his year. In a way, he is not IN love with me he says, but it is because he does not know what that means. He WANTS me however. My girlfriend said that is a beautiful thing. To be wanted and not needed.

 

Well, I NEED him and I WANT him. I don't know what I would do without him.  I have a few VERY close friends however, who I talk and talk and talk with. My husband is not into talking. He wants me in the house but maybe in another room. lol.

 

But if you had asked me in my 20's what my type was? It was not him. He is a man's man. I dated the sensitive creative types. Hubs is more like my dad which is why I never dated that type. But hubs never objectified me. He cried early in the relationship. He was in therapy when I met him. He knows how to talk about his feelings. 

 

TALKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.  I cannot emphasize this enough. I have now taught hubs how to talk about his feelings in an even deeper way.

 

He taught me how to deal with the world outside, I teach him who to deal with the world inside of us. It is a balanced relationship.

 

ok, enuf ranting.....:-}

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