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Hello fellow crazy people!  My name is Summer, and I'm a 23 year old female who has been battling depression and a lot of weird other stuff since... I don't know, probably the first time someone called me fat in middle school.  Even though I should've just been like "boing flip!" (Cause I'm rubber, and they're glue.)  Through the years I've gone through ups and downs and about a zillion antidepressants that only seem to work for the first few months.  One notable experience I've had is the one and only manic episode I've ever had, which occurred at age 18.  Sometimes I wish I could get back... which is probably the craziest thing of all.  After a couple weeks of it, I admitted myself into a mental hospital where they diagnosed me with Biopolar I within 5 minutes of talking to me and shut the door.  Lame.  Then didn't even know me and weren't very gently about breaking the news.  Plus, I think it's a misdiagnosis since I've never had any signs of mania since.  Another big live event I had that 2 years ago the mitral valve of my completely ruptured and I was life flighted to the nearest hospital and underwent life saving surgery.  The doctors say it's a miracle I'm alive and I almost died on the table.    Since then I've been more grateful about my life and I have a more positive outlook, but there are still times when it's hard to cope. 

 

Through my younger years I attributed my depression to the lack of a social life; I felt like an outcast and felt that everything would be cured if I could just fit in.  It was so freeing during my manic episode to not care what anyone thought.  In fact, I thought THEY should be caring what though, for once in my life.  And if they didn't, to hell with them!  (Admittedly extreme, but it was fun for a while.)  Once I emerged from the psychosis I was back to my old self, lacking confidence and feeling worthless.  But one key thing had changed: I knew there was this part of me, deep down inside, that didn't have to feel that way.  I learned for the first time in my life that my depression and me were two separate entities.  Since then I've been searching for a way to permanently separate us..  with little success. During college I thought I had it beat because I had some really good friends and finally realized that I'm not repulsive guys.  For the most part I had a blast during that time, but college isn't real life, is it...  Plus, now I have 30 grand in debt and a really low paying job.  Oh well....

 

 

 

Since the heart surgery, I've put little emphasis on my personal relationships.  Not sure why.  It just seems pointless.  In a way it's a good thing I guess, since I ended up moving to a different state where I don't know anyone and outside of work, I spend most of my time alone.  But it's also kind of depressing to be so cynical about notions of friendship and love.  I've made no effort to keep in touch with anyone with my family, and even them I talk to very rarely.  I wish that I could reaccess the love, loyalty and compassion that used to be really good qualities of mine.  But I just don't see the world that way anymore.  We're born alone, we die alone... what else is there?

 

Well obviously I don't completely feel that way if I'm reaching out to you internet peeps.  Back in middle school I spent tons of time on internet chat rooms and ended up having a close-knit group of internet friends.   We were total dorks and role played Harry Potter all the time, but we developed real friendships, perhaps more real than anything I've ever experienced in the "real world."  Could it be possible to find something like that again?  Could it be possible to reopen my heart?

 

Quick facts about me: I like science, especially neuroscience, music, and writing.  Right now I'm spending a year teaching math to middle school kids through the Blueprint Math Fellow program.  It's been craaaazy but now that I'm getting the hang of it it's really fulfilling, and sometimes those little brats are the only thing that keep me going.  Haha. :) Disclaimer: They're not all brats.

 

Anyways, before I became all antisocial I was considered by my friends to be funny and contemplative.  So despite this depressing, losery rant, I know there's some qualities within me that make me a good friend.  If you've gotten this far, please reach out, I'd love to hear from you! :)

 

 

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Welcome to Crazyboards!  It sounds like you've had a real rollercoaster ride in your young life.

 

I think it's very possible that you will make lasting friends here at CB.  I've known some people here for almost 10 years, and I've met several of them IRL.  Just hang out in chat or the blogs, or here on the boards, and you will get to know some really great crazies.

 

We don't much care if people are fat or thin, tall or short, or any of the other variations of human beings.  When you're all on the Crazy Bus together, it doesn't matter.

 

olga

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