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I'm new to the site, and lately I've been feeling very grateful for it. I've been struggling off and on with pure o for the last four years, and as an eleven year old, (when it first began) I was terrified. I had recurring thoughts about killing myself and my family. I couldn't shake them off, and coped with them by checking and balances my thoughts with physical acts (stepping, counting, and tapping) which I'm sure many of you have been through. When I was around twelve, I had horrible nighttime panics and the only way I could sleep was with my brother or my mother. Pretty soon that comfort was taken away by the thought that I had assaulted them in my sleep. So now I was dealing with violent thoughts as well as sexual ones and overall depression. I never told anybody about the sexual thoughts, partly because I was afraid they might be true and partly because they were much too messed up to share with anybody, ever. Around this time I had various slumber parties with friends. I ended up being terrified of that, too. Every time I woke up I felt as if I had had what I imagined intercourse would feel like (I was, and still am, a virgin). I started to hate myself. Around 11, I started to fear being pregnant and developed symptoms.This went away after a time. Again, at thirteen, I skipped my period for three months. I had the symptoms. I was also under a large amount of stress at the time, from my fear and from other things. I finally got my period and stopped having symptoms. When I'm depressed, I usually feel tired, achy, and I dislike eating and suffer from strange stomach pains and discomfort. A while ago, my younger brother was having a hard time sleeping and so slept in a cot in my room. I was afraid of hurting him, so I blocked the way to the cot with books. I woke up in the morning, feeling horrible like I always do when somebody has to sleep near me. I was on my period that day, and the flow was slight in the morning, but it usually is. I went on with the rest of my day and felt alright. I forgot about this incident until the next month, when I missed my period for eight days. I eventually got it, after eight days of bloating, achiness, and depression. This was new and hadn't really happened before. I was terrified that I was pregnant, which I realize is impossible, as my brother is six and I was asleep. But those two factors scared me even more. After my period, I started to feel bloated, achy, and depressed again. It hurts to press on my stomach. I'm afraid it might be cancer, but this has happened when I was younger, so I know it might just be anxiety. I've felt like this on and off for the past few months, but not this noticeable. Or maybe I'm just now noticing it. I used to eat much more sugar at my mother's house (my parents share fifty-fifty custody) and I was much more manic in that environment, which might have been helping me from my symptoms. My pregnancy fear started at the time of a whole shitton of new stress, so this might just be that. But I'm still worried about pregnancy or cancer. I asked my brother if I got up during the night and he said no and he's a very light sleeper. I know rationally that I cannot be pregnant, but I show all the signs. I'm afraid to share this with my therapist and psychiatrist  because I'm so ashamed and worried that it might be true. I'm just starting antidepressants for my OCD and anxiety, and now I'm afraid that it will harm me if I have an abdominal problem. But I can't tell anybody because of the shame. What should I do?

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First, a suggestion.  Many of us have difficulty reading/comprehending large blocks of text such as yours.  Try cutting it up next time.

 

Can you write down your fears and then show that to your therapist and/or pdoc?  Its really necessary to open up to one or both of them so they can help you. They are professionals and are accustomed to hearing worries such as yours. They can also provide you with techniques, like deep breaths, thought replacement, etc. to help you get through those moments. 

 

Try googling CBT techniques to find some ways to ease your struggle.

Edited by Phoenix_Rising
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