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What I Fear About Suicide


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       I want to die, period. I am obsessed with death, hope for death, even pray for death to no avail. Even during mentally controlled times I want out. I even have a plan for it but obviously have not utilized it. Why, first there are people who need me. I know in time they will get over my disappearance but I hate the thought of the pain I would cause them. Second, and more powerful in my mind to stay alive, is I think I will go to hell. I was brought up in a catholic school system that taught if you killed anyone including yourself that's a ticket to hell, do not pass go. I consider myself religious but I am not certain that hell would await after suicide but I don't want to chance it. Life itself is agonizing, but temporary. Hell is horrific and forever. Is there really a hell??

       I know a lot of you out there have suicide ideation also, and wonder what keeps you ticking. Why do you stick around. I am just blabbering and no one (but those on CB) knows what I'm talking about so I'd like to hear other thoughts.

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Feel the same as you most of the time. I wont do it because I fear god. Fear of hell. God gives me the best thing there is on earth for me and that's hope. I refuse to end my life when he gives me a blessing like hope. My last trip to the hospital they handed me a small reading teaching me to give thanks. I will never forget that and Am indebted to them for teaching me that. Even though I'm miserable most of the time I have a lot of things to be thankful for. For those reasons even though I want things to end sometimes I don't think I could justify it. Hang in there twidder.

Edited by moot3r
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i worry about my parents and sister blaming themselves. i worry about the money theyve put into trying to educate me and all they seem to have invested in my future (even though, even in a future where i dont kill myself off, its pretty unlikely ill "succeed" in a way they consider success). and i worry about my cats, i let myself believe my cats really need me and love me even though its probably not necessarily true.

 

even when i dont find much fulfillment in my relationships with my family or in the day-to-day shit i do i force myself to accept that maybe with the right meds the right doctors the right living situation the right community i can really really be okay and be happy

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I've never had a relationship, and I guess what keeps me going is the thought that maybe I won't feel so empty and worthless if I'm in a relationship.

I know it's stupid, and naive, and I know that I'm putting too much pressure on any relationship that might come my way but maybe, just maybe, I could be happy with someone.

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I find myself constantly praying for death. I often pray to God to allow me to not wake up the next day... that I die in the middle of the night from a heart attack or a stroke...

 

The other thing is the thought of a sharp packing knife (I have on in my draw) to my jugular vein... a quick slice in and then the spurting of the blood and then I suppose fear and panic and then .... nothing....

 

I also have a fear of displeasing God... so that is also of of the main reasons I have not done it yet... but... recently I have started thinking...well at least after death there would be "nothing"..... (I don't believe a loving God would burn people in a Hell) so that is attractive to me....

 

I think these things multiple times a day... I pray almost every night to die..... 

 

Maybe when it comes down to it I just don't have the guts.... maybe I need more help than I am letting on to anyone around me.... 

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I don't want to hurt my husband and kids. My brother killed himself and it was awful for my sister and for me too actually. I don't want to do that to them. I sort of believe in God and I don't think he would make someone go to hell forever for trying to end their pain. There is a circumstance that might lead me to do it anyway, but nothing that is happening anytime soon. I try to think of things I am thankful for and that helps.

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1.

Mr Crazypants. He really will kill himself if I do...and I can kill me, but I can't kill him.

I mean, he's not bluffing, he'd do it.

That asshole...gonna marry him.

2.I self-hypnotized once and regressed to my last life. It sucked more than this one.

3.after so many years of intermittent suicidality, I know I can get better.

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I worry about the mess I would leave behind for my family to clean up, and how I don't think they would ever recover from it.  I've lost friends over the years to suicide and seen what it does to their loved ones.

 

Sometimes though it's just my cats that keeps me from acting on any suicidal thoughts, because they depend on me and I can't hurt their little spirits by forcing them to rehomed elsewhere.  Hey, whatever works, right?

 

I'm not religious or particularly spiritual, so thoughts of an afterlife in heaven or hell don't affect me.

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OP, let me ask you this. You are bipolar; you want to die - are you not in hell already? 

 

The traditional vision of hell, that with the fire and what not, is silly nonsense which can be shown to be so with basic high school biology and chemistry.

 

**What follows is merely my own thoughts on the subject and nothing more. But it is the conclusion I have come to regarding "hell."**

 

We know what happens when you die - you rot; including your brain, the organ which provides us our self-awareness, and your central nervous system, that which allows us to feel things. Fire is a physical entity, which requires oxygen, a physical element, to burn. The afterlife is a non-physical, ethereal plane of existence. I dob there would be fire.

 

Without a brain, you would not be able to comprehend where you are. Without eyes you could not see. Without a nose (er, the sensory receptors responsible for smell), you could not smell and without a central nervous system you could not feel. Everything we know about consciousness is a result of our biology. All those body parts remain on earth and rot. So, even if there was a magically fire in this supposed hell you wouldn't even know it because energy is not self-aware. Your soul - your life's energy and consciousness would not "live" past death except through your actions in life and in people's memories. Life itself is biological - a living organism is a biological entity - and so once a biological entity ceases to live, it is no more - in the form it was once known.

 

So, OP, do not fear hell. Even the hell in the metaphorical/psychological sense - that being suffering due to being so far away from god - is silly because of the reasons I have already stated. You would not be aware of anything because you're dead. Hell is a human invention used for fear mongering and nothing else.

 

Hell on earth, that which we all face at times, is more real an this is where suicide comes in. Suicide may relieve your personal hell, but it will create a living hell for those you leave behind. Remember that.

 

Stick it out, OP. I know everybody here is willing to help the best one can (on a message board).

 

p.s. I was also brought up Catholic, so I know the pressure the church places on people to do as they're told.

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i worry about my parents and sister blaming themselves. i worry about the money theyve put into trying to educate me and all they seem to have invested in my future (even though, even in a future where i dont kill myself off, its pretty unlikely ill "succeed" in a way they consider success). and i worry about my cats, i let myself believe my cats really need me and love me even though its probably not necessarily true.

 

even when i dont find much fulfillment in my relationships with my family or in the day-to-day shit i do i force myself to accept that maybe with the right meds the right doctors the right living situation the right community i can really really be okay and be happy

Thought it was just me....I worry my kitty will be sad without his mom...stopped me every time.

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I have the "thoughts" sometimes, but I couldn't do it.  First of all, my two little girls need me.  Second, if I died, my husband would marry a new woman  :angry:   Can't have that!!  Third, I think about my mom and dad who love me a shit ton (even though they are annoying at times).  I think about when I was a baby and they loved me and cared for me.  Last, I think about how death would hurt/ be ugly/ be messy/ someone would find me dead/ the awfulness of the whole thing.  Nah.  I like life, to be honest.  I mean, I like a lot of things about being alive.  Might as well enjoy it while I'm here!

 

BTW, I'm not sure I believe in Hell but I gotta say that's another deterrent.

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As regards an afterlife?

I work in a building in which they recover usable tissue from fresh cadavers...one night I was rechecking a cubicle area on the top floor, and I heard the following:

The voice of a middle-aged man, with a Latin accent, saying in a darkly amused tone, "WELL! This is not what I expected!"

I immediately checked the floor-nobody there, nobody leaving the floor by elevator or stairs.

...You expect an afterlife of heaven or hell...and then you find yourself disembodied and in an office building? I guess you'd say the same thing.

As far as this being believable? look at where I'm posting. Crazyboards.

It's not like my hallucinated jazz radio station, but whatever.

Though I am not the only person to report apparent ghosts in the building, and even my totally hard boiled site manager admits we have weird electrical problems...

I mean, morgue-cam 1 died slowly. I have never seen a surveillance camera slowly go dark like that, they either work or not in my experience.

We are now on morgue-cam 2.

Point being? If there is an afterlife, you may just be exchanging one set of sucky problems for a different set of sucky problems.

Edited by Stickler
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My post is really long because I think about it a lot. The thing about suicide is...

 

I've been suicidal since I was 9, I just didn't know what it "was". I had an idea about death, and I didn't know that I was "depressed" but it was certainly how I felt. The world felt dim, to me. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere, but the world I was in. I'd lay my comic books out at night and wish that when I got up in the morning and stepped out of bed, I'd fall into that world. Rationally, I knew it would never happen, but it's what got me out of bed every morning, and I knew that once I'd taken that first step then I would go and bathe and eat breakfast, and that's what it took. When I was younger, I used to wonder how people had so much energy to do so many things when I could barely complete the basic tasks required to make it through each day. I still do.

 

Realizing that I can theoretically commit suicide, that's a rational thing. Realizing that it's a very real option that I could actually follow through on, that was the light-bulb that turned on. I can't ever flip that switch again, because after that first revelation, the knowledge that I really can commit suicide is always there. There's no way to get rid of it or erase it. That's the apple in the Garden, so to speak. The fear of doing it eases every time I find myself in a suicidal state. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I'm not sure I believe in any form of life after death. It's just "lights out" and goodbye. I'm fine with that - it's exactly what I want. 

 

Those thoughts never go away. Even when I'm not really depressed - and, to be honest with myself, I am always depressed in some form, even during mania. Like now, there are times where the sense of psychic torment and existential crisis are much more distant. But they're still whispers in my mind. They're always there. To be completely honest - I go through therapy, I take my meds, and they work alright right now. But in the back of my head, there's the knowledge that it will never really go away... that things will get bad again, at some point, and I might lose. 

 

Have you watched the horror movie Babadook? While I was watching it, I kept thinking, this woman has bipolar disorder. It has some negative stereotypes in it, to be sure, but setting shittier stereotypes of mentally ill people aside, it also really is a good sense of what bipolar disorder feels like to me. Most of my friends missed all of that, except for one more perceptive friend. For me, those thoughts are my Babadook. 

 

When I had a bad stretch during college, I got a pet rabbit. I knew I wouldn't kill myself if she was all alone in my apartment, because that would doom her to starving to death or dying of thirst... and that if it got to that point, and I called a friend to come and take care of her, then they'd figure out something was wrong with me. That rabbit was my lifeline for nearly a decade, but she eventually passed away.

 

I think about how much it would hurt my mother, who has lost both my stepfather and my grandfather in the past year. My grandfather, everybody knew he was ready to pass away... but my stepfather died unexpectedly, and not in the best way. She's already lost my grandmother and one of my uncles. I can only imagine what losing a child would do to her. I know it would hurt my brother, in a way that I don't think he's really experienced loss before. I imagine my boyfriend would grieve and then find somebody else to be happy with, because life doesn't stop just because I'm gone. That breaks my heart, but I also know it's true. I know that if I had kids, I'd leave them behind as well. Kids might stay my hand for a while, but probably not indefinitely.

 

I'm really tired at this point, as I've been dealing with this for decades by now, and I know it just will never go away. There will be ups and downs, and at one point I'll probably lose. That's not the depression or pessimism talking... it's just how things are. I have never not been this way, and sometimes I ask my boyfriend what it's like to be normal, and he doesn't really have an answer for me. 

 

I still keep going, though, because there are still things I want to do that aren't related to a full time job or even being super happy. I've got a list of stuff I want to do, much of it attainable, and I keep plugging away at it. Not stuff that most people would think of as "success", but stuff I've defined as things that are meaningful for me to complete, and that are also within my reach. That'll at least keep me occupied for a while. 

 

When I talk other people out of suicide, I don't offer them things that can't happen. I don't tell them that this will pass and it will never happen again - that could very well be a lie. It will pass, yes, and then it will be over, and you can keep on going. It's mostly temporary, at least. You don't have to give in. I don't try to give them a big shiny ball of hope... nobody in that state of mind is going to buy that shit anyway. I might occasionally guilt them with not hurting their friends and relatives - it depends on their mind set, sometimes it works really well and sometimes they've moved so far beyond it that they just don't care - and I don't try to scare them with an afterlife. I just ask them... what do you want to do? Not something big or crazy... maybe you want to be a rock star... when was the last time you wrote a song? Couldn't you write one last one before you go? What harm does it do? Isn't a song better than a suicide note? After all, that's the stuff that keeps me going. I'll ink one more drawing, write one more chapter... there's always one last thing to do.

Edited by Bubble
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Bubble, you put into words what I've never been able to. The realization that I could kill myself was like a light switch turning on, and I've only been able to dim the light since I was 7 or 8; never fully turning it off.

 

The only reasons I've stayed have been for other people and my pets. I measure my mood by how dependent I am on the feelings of others to keep thoughts at bay. I can't really remember the last time I spent an entire day enjoying life for myself. Sometimes it makes me wonder if the people confident enough to live for themselves are the strange ones...

 

Hell, I’ve started thinking that if I ever feel like I actually want to live and have a future that it would be the perfect moment to kill myself. I’ve somehow worked it out that it’s the only way I can win, even though my more rational side says that you can’t win or lose at life, because your life can’t be compared to anyone else’s. Winning or losing would require a fair competition or comparison, but we’re too unique for that to ever be possible.

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