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Saw pdoc today... Said it could possibly be Bipolar


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Sorry this ended up kindof long, and ended up kindof more like a ramble... Not quite sure what Im trying to get across and how to word it, and to be honest not sure what exactly Im looking for with this. Just your thoughts on a possible Bipolar Dx i suppose.

I'll start with some back history. When I was around 11 my mother started taking me to dr's and would dr shop to find one to give me meds for whatever she seemed to think was wrong. I wasnt really a bad kid(2 experiments with alcohol and a few bong hits). Just opinionated and passionate with my beliefs which didnt mix well with my father. There has been some speculation that my mother has munchausen syndrome by proxy but has never been seen herself.    Anyway. I was put on multiple cocktails between the ages of 12-16  to "control me" was DX ranging from ADD, MDD, and possible bipolar
 I moved in with my grandparents at 16 and went off my meds and was med free til 19 and moved in with my boyfriend and had panic attacks, and reckless behavior (what 18yr old doesnt though?) Was put inpatient by a shitty doctor cause I brought up an argument me and Bf had had a week prior to my appt where I had told my bf that i would kill any girl I found him cheating on me with. I wasnt serious, my bf knew I wasnt serious and when I told the doctor that I would only agree to go to the hospital to be evaluated AFTER my bf got off work and could go with me he called the cops.
anyways after 3 horrid days in there I was released on wellbutrin and I only stayed on that for about 5weeks. I spent the next couple years just trying to get my life straight. I've been pretty stable, happy, and content with life from around age 21- til last spring(Im now 28).  I got married 5 yrs ago to said boyfriend above and have had 2 beautiful kids.
Last year my 2 best friends moved away, we had a fallout with my Inlaws over me breastfeeding, got horribly stressed out from taking care of my one bestfriends kid while she was in boot camp for the army, and was stupid and decided to try a blunt the end of may(was small and only smoked half before I felt like my world was crashing down).    even though i thought it came from a trusted person, there is NO WAY that was just pot. Vomiting, feeling like i would die, HORRID paranoia, feeling like I couldnt breath. I suffered from horrible guilt for a couple weeks after that.  From the fall out with my inlaws there was some fighting between me and husband and I did obsess over the ordeal, and had some insomnia. Mostly my aggitation follows my cycles. But I admit the bitter feelings from the fallout with the inlaws left me a demon toward my husband during aggitation flare ups. They have since gotten better.
  Things eased up and were flowing more normally til the end of june.
It was like a fucking light switch just clicked off in my brain. Was watching tv, about to go to bed, then BAM panic attack, vomiting, shaking, feeling like I was going crazy, wanted to admit myself, Had to run away from my family. this was my life for weeks. Xanax helped some. With the crazy anxiety, i had crying episodes, tons of guilt, feeling like I couldnt do this, wanted to leave(not divorce just not live with) my husband even though he is a wonderful man (he has a little trouble being an empathic supporter during this but this is his normal nature and he does try his hardest, just unsure with himself as to what to do to help me), obsessive thoughts about leaving my family, thinking I dont love him because I dont feel in love (<--- This was a horrible cycle for me. I still feel guilty for this) Its possible to love and not feel in love but I have a hard time with that as I've always felt "in love" Felt inadequate as a mother and wife. And even though I wasnt exactly suicidal I found myself kindof hoping I would just not wake up when I went to sleep.  I was prescribed a couple different antidepressants which I was to scared to try since I had been on most as a child with horrible side effects. Id have a week or so where the anxiety was manageable, then have a panic attack again. Finally tried wellbutrin in Aug. Could only stay on it for about 4weeks. The only good thing that came from that was the wonderful orgasms. (sorry for the TMI) LOL.  From june to aug I lost a total of 16lbs. Things seemed to cool down to a barely manageable level mid Aug, still had obsessive thoughts and anxiety. and stayed that way til about October when I had panic issues again. Finally decided to try Brintellix. 1st at 10mg but still have considerable anxiety. went up to 20mg in Jan and had finally gotten off all benzos.  Finally in Feb had a slight sex drive back since Sept (its been none existent)
Friday I had another panic attack. I think it was set off from watching the following (which I will not be watching anymore. I hate seeing grief and death like that) Followed by reading a blog post about a lady that tried to commit suicide while pregnant. I could relate to her feelings of hopelessness so much. I wasnt and still am not suicidal. but the anxiety is still here. Im not obsessing about leaving my husband this time but the naggy feeling of "should I stay here" pops up occasionally.    I have noticed I been drinking more then i should. Like almost every single night. I dont crave it exactly, its just become my nightly routine I suppose. And possibly buying a bit more then I should.. But nothing like a new bedroom suite or a new tv. Its been like new shoes I been wanting for years and found them on sale and bought them even though we are tight on money, and one of the stores by us is closing and went to bought a cart of stuff and charged it on the card cause we are getting tax money back soon. All of it but a welcome mat was for the kids though.
So after an appt with my pdoc today, she said she is wondering if I could possibly indeed have bipolar or if the current "flare up" is just my extreme anxiety so she wanted to add Buspar to my brintellix and reevaluate me in a month unless things start spiraling out of control before hand.
SO if you are still with me. Thanks and sorry...  What are your thoughts?
After reading everything put out like that... It does sound like I may indeed have some form of Bipolar huh?

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I can't give any insight into your diagnosis, to be fair I hardly have any insight into my diagnosis. I just have to roll with it until my head stops being a fog ball. I have children, and a reasonably patient husband, who steps in when I am overwhelmed. All I can say is take care of yourself, be mindful of overthinking (I'm still working on that), and don't worry about any label. If being treated for bipolar helps you, then it isn't a bad thing.

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You are more than a diagnosis. But the diagnosis is a tool to help your pdoc make a better treatment plan.

 

Try not to let your experiences with meds when you were young color what you try now. I know it is easier said than done, but as an adult, you may very well have an entirely different experience.

 

Try not to drink so much. While I'm not a doctor, your nightly drinking sounds like self-medicating, as in, using substances to try to balance out your whacked out chemistry under your own power. This never turns out well. I'm not saying alcohol is verboten, but when you find yourself drinking every night, and don't know why, that seems like a good time to pause. It will still be there later.

 

Just in case you really trusted the person who shared the blunt with you, and are feeling hurt or bewildered: Please do not assume the pot was dusted. There are very specific strains that affect people different ways.  We have had several people respond to pot the way you did, including vomiting and panicking, passing out, etc. I'm not saying "YAY! Go smoke more stuff that makes you sick!" I'm just saying if you were close to that person, don't assume they were trying to sabotage you.

 

But staying away from pot and alcohol is a good idea until you are more stable.

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You are more than a diagnosis. But the diagnosis is a tool to help your pdoc make a better treatment plan.

 

Try not to let your experiences with meds when you were young color what you try now. I know it is easier said than done, but as an adult, you may very well have an entirely different experience.

 

Try not to drink so much. While I'm not a doctor, your nightly drinking sounds like self-medicating, as in, using substances to try to balance out your whacked out chemistry under your own power. This never turns out well. I'm not saying alcohol is verboten, but when you find yourself drinking every night, and don't know why, that seems like a good time to pause. It will still be there later.

 

Just in case you really trusted the person who shared the blunt with you, and are feeling hurt or bewildered: Please do not assume the pot was dusted. There are very specific strains that affect people different ways.  We have had several people respond to pot the way you did, including vomiting and panicking, passing out, etc. I'm not saying "YAY! Go smoke more stuff that makes you sick!" I'm just saying if you were close to that person, don't assume they were trying to sabotage you.

 

But staying away from pot and alcohol is a good idea until you are more stable.

My current hesitance with meds is that i dont have anyone that is close by in the event I have bad reactions and I am home with my 2 young children ages 4 and 2 for close to 50 hours a week. My closest family I have that I could call to come help is over an hour away. If I had more support I dont think I would be so concerned.

I see what your saying about the alcohol. And I must agree.  We have been saying we are going to cut back, then one of us has a particularly stressful day and end up drinking anyway to unwind. I know bad...  Last night though I felt I needed to drink just to go to bed...

I think I may go put it in the closet in hopes that it will be "out of sight, out of mind" 

lastly, with the pot... While the person we got it from was a "friend" he had some pretty shady tendencies though they had never been directed toward us. He moved away 4 days later... But that experience with it was nothing like the ones I had as a teen and the anxiety about how I reacted will forever deter me from trying it again im certain. I can feel myself getting slightly panicky just thinking about that night.

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I can relate to a few things you said, in particular the breastfeeding and inlaws (mine HATED the fact I breastfed and made my life hell for months), and the feeling not in love with husband and wanting to leave the family.  Yep.  I don't know if it's bipolar but you sound a hell of a lot like myself.  I have BP2.

 

Also just a friendly suggestion, alcohol is the devil.  Stay far, far away.

Edited by larali
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I can relate to a few things you said, in particular the breastfeeding and inlaws (mine HATED the fact I breastfed and made my life hell for months), and the feeling not in love with husband and wanting to leave the family.  Yep.  I don't know if it's bipolar but you sound a hell of a lot like myself.  I have BP2.

 

Also just a friendly suggestion, alcohol is the devil.  Stay far, far away.

Oh yes... My inlaws didnt even attempt to see my kids for over 9mths. This started when my sister inlaw flipped out on me when my SECOND breastfed child was 11mths old. She clamed I was trying to seduce her boyfriend.. please. My MIL said I had NPD and brainwashed my husband.  SMH. some people.  We have had numerous issues with them over the years. This is the one though that trumpts the rest.

Yes I can see the very bad in alcohol... I do hate that i enjoy it so much. :(   I did go nearly 4 yrs without hardly any alcohol while pregnant and breastfeeding, and i just slowly started increasing the amount and just recently started questioning myself as to if I was drinking to much. Thankfully it doesnt really affect my daily functions, and I never drink while my children are up. I dont want it to get that far..

How do you deal with those feeling and if you dont mind me asking how long have you had them?

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And Larali, I have "bored stay-at-home-mom syndrome" too ;).  Thankfully my son is starting soccer anyday, and my daughter is in dance so now I actually HAVE to get out.   The plan is to also homeschool them..  mental state permitting that is. 

 
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