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Really embarrassed - mental health disclosure at work


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So, my work recently announced that they are moving their office (currently located 5 minutes from my home) and dispersing employees between two new offices. One is 20 minutes from my home and the other is 45 minutes from my home in the CBD. 

 

I am seriously affected by spending too much time at the CBD. As part of my anxiety (and probable complex post traumatic stress from childhood abuse) I pick up on movement, noises, lights, speech so much that it is really difficult for me to spend successive days in the CBD. The additional travel time to and from the CBD would also affect me because my depression means that I really need to take care not to get too tired, because when I do I get suicidal thoughts, struggle with emotional regulation and have lots of difficulty communicating. I also get incredible anxiety when I'm tired (about losing my job/becoming homeless, the health of my husband, ruminating over social interactions that I've had with people and feeling humiliated by them)  I really struggled to explain this to them - and disclosed that I have depression and anxiety, and that one of the triggers is heavy traffic (which I think they took to mean that I don't visit or drive in the CBD at all, which isn't actually correct, I do but I can't sustain it for long periods of time without feeling completely mentally and physically drained from trying to hold myself together all day long.

 

I had to explain to my manager that I really needed to be located at the new office 20 minutes from my home, but I am usually so guarded about sharing anything to do with my mental health. I only disclosed that I struggle from severe depression and anxiety and that one of the triggers is heavy traffic and the CBD leaves me feeling drained.  I also work with helping people and I'm afraid that they will consider that my my mental health will show that I have no people skills (which I actually feel that I don't have, I feel really socially awkward but my husband reassures me that I am not). I feel like a fraud in my job and like by telling them about my mental illness I'm exposing that I cant take care of myself let alone help anyone else.  I'm afraid that they will think that I am weaker than other workers and that they will constantly look at me like I can't do my job. Also, that they think it is silly, I mean its got to be hard for someone to understand why I would struggle in the CBD. I'm also afraid that they will think that I am manipulating them, but I just 100% can not do this job in the city. 

 

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to face them, like they can see inside of me and all my worries, and I look pathetic and stupid and and vulnerable. I feel that they will see a scared teenage girl rather than a competent late twenties employee. 

 

Please can someone help me make sense of what I am feeling? I'm too embarrassed to share this with anyone in real life. How do I get past this?

Edited by Dreamatic
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