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Remeber this Song?

A Few Small Repairs

Abbreviated:

Sunny came home to her favorite room

Sunny sat down in the kitchen

She opened a book and a box of tools

Sunny came home with a mission

Sunny came home with a list of names

She didn't believe in transcendence

It's time for a few small repairs she said

Sunny came home with a vengeance

Get the kids and bring a sweater

Dry is good and wind is better

Count the years, you always knew it

Strike a match, go on and do it

BURN THA MUTHAFUCKA DOWN!

I live in an enormous pile of shit. I can't even do my work anymore because I have no room to spread my materials out on my desk (or the floor or the table or the sofa or anywhere - not in any room in the whole house).

A year ago - I says to my husband: "I'm struggling...I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and like I can't keep up with it all." His response? He SCREAMS at me. Paranoid boy thinks it's somehow all about him. He doesn't even ask me what I'm struggling with - or if I need any help - or anything - he simply has a fucking meltdown.

(*Note - he DOES have some positive traits that I'm quite attached to, but I don't feel acknowledging them right now. I am tired of the "fair and balanced" routine)

At that time, I was mostly keeping up, in the usual mildy wonky way - just starting to slip. The bills were going out a little later, but they were going out reasonably. I still knew how much money we (didn't) had, the dishes still got done at least a few times a week, etc. But that's all gone now - and what has Paranoid Boy done? Stand there and watch me slide, periodically telling me I'm not cooperating and that he's angry. You'd think he could open a goddamn envelope in the last six months - but NO. It's all my fault - and I'm only doing this to get back at him for some shit he did five years ago.

I did not know last year that I might be experiencing estrogen-related physiological worsening of my as yet undiagnosed ADHD - or that I was even experiencing anything except being overwhelmed (I did have a lot on my plate, but that's another story).

Long story short (for me, anyway) - today - after being on stupid adderall for two weeks - the "Enough of this shit" impulse FINALLY kicked in - and I'm PISSED. At me. At him. At ADHD. At all the docs who never picked up on it even once, ever. At stupid marketing companies who send a never-ending array of dead trees disguised as junk mail (I DID NOT EVER - NOT ONCE - REQUEST INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR STUPID PRODUCT OR SERVICE. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU CLUTTER MY LIFE AND MY MIND THIS WAY). The ADHD evaluator warned me that this would happen - that I would find myself pretty angry about a lot of things that did not previously flip my switch so much - but did not seem to think it would be a bad thing. I don't think that, either.

I've really had it.

I have started simply throwing shit in garbage bags (taking reasonable care to keep important stuff, like my daughter's beautiful drawings and writing). I called my father and asked him to bring me some boxes.

I may put Paranoid Boy in one of them and ship his ass to China.

I suspect he has an even worse case of ADHD than me - plus a lot of other issues, mostly in the personality disorder department (high rates of co-morbidity). Has he looked for a cure/help for his own issues? Not really. He simply sucks up therapy money - but won't even consider medications to address his behavior OR his functioning. thinks his liver will fall out or something (think I'm a weenie? This boy imagines gangrene will set in if he gets afreakin' paper cut). thinsk it's somehow weak to not be able to do it yourself (can you say: "Ego"?). Thinks only talking about it will make it go away - but like many ADHD people, he can't shut up and listen to anything but himself long enough to get it. REALLY.

I am about to issue an ultimatum: SHUT YER BIG YAP.

Do it or go. You have until January 10 to be trying something in a pill, dispensed by a pharmacist under doctor's oders (no - fish oil will not do).. If you quit, you have to try another thing. Then another. If you fail to continue to diligently address this - as I have been doing for four years now, even before I lost my footing altogether - then you are gone. Period. I will not tolerate any more tantrums (frequent outbursts, over next to nothing stuff). I will not tolerate being blamed for your inability to get up off your ass and do somethingh about it all. I will not have more expected of me than you can do. Period. Period. Period. I AM NOT your mother, dammit.

Back to the SHIT PILE: My office (home) is FIRST. Any motherfucker who uses it as a storage dumping facility will lose a hand on the sopt. I AM NOT KIDDING. Although the lovely daughter, due to age and generally sunny siposition - may get a pass on the loss of hand, in favor of - oh, I don't know - she's ADHD, too.

How the hell can I get through this living with two people who are worse than me? This could not possibly suck more.

I'm going back to my garbage pile(s) now.

pigs

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I can't speak for the bills, etc, but on the sheer mess and responsibility levels, this sounds one hell of a lot like my parents.  Except everyone figures this is just the way things are, mom included, and continues muddling on through life with both tables and all four desks permanently heaped under a variety of things (including last spring's income taxes) and entire rooms so filled with half-filled boxes of shit that they are entirely unhabitable.  Bills late?  Yes.  Broke?  Yes.  Dishes... oh God, don't start me on the dishes.  My level of mess here is my own, and though I'm sure it drives my neatnick roommate crazy beneath her denials, it's mess for one.  I go back home and completely freak out. 

I don't know how long I can afford to stay there, mentally.  I just empty out the sink, ask if the dishwasher's working or not (usually not), and start scrubbing at pots with mould colonies which have actually topped the rim in an enormous puff of spores and whatnot.  But I don't live there anymore, and no one has seen fit to deal with their personal issues. 

I don't know what a solution looks like.  I just think you kick ass for trying.  You know what went into setting that particular date and ultimatum, and I don't, so I won't even try to comment.  You've decided to fix things.  That is amazing. 

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Thanks, lmnop - Just x your fingers that I can get up the strength to actually issue said ultimatum out loud - and reasonably, like a compassionate human being. Also seriously - like a woman who has made up her mind.

I'm just so tired of conflict and misery, part of me just wants to buck up, handle it and move on silently. But I can't handle it alone anymore - not with someone who could help just standing by and adding to it; trying to ignore everything out of existence, occasionally acting out his frustration with venom.

On the upside, right now I see more of the wood of my desk than anything else. Granted, it's dusty and grimy - but I haven't been this deep into it for months and months.

One foot in front of the other.

pigs

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A year ago - I says to my husband: "I'm struggling...I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and like I can't keep up with it all." His response? He SCREAMS at me. Paranoid boy thinks it's somehow all about him. He doesn't even ask me what I'm struggling with - or if I need any help - or anything - he simply has a fucking meltdown.

(*Note - he DOES have some positive traits that I'm quite attached to, but I don't feel acknowledging them right now. I am tired of the "fair and balanced" routine)

At that time, I

OMG! Are our husbands twins that where seperated at birth. All they are interested in is that were are 'fixed' like were are a car or something.  ;)

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I live in an enormous pile of shit. I can't even do my work anymore because I have no room to spread my materials out on my desk (or the floor or the table or the sofa or anywhere - not in any room in the whole house).

pigs

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Pigs,

I think we are twins....  I was tempted to put a pic of MY desk in this post to let you know that you are not alone!  I've been doing better on the bills since I switched to doing everything online (my bank will mail the checks so I don't even have to go to the mailbox!).

My husband dislikes the mess, but does nothing to reduce it and more often than not, adds to it.  He doesn't freak out on me about it too much, lucky for him, but he makes NO EFFORT to even get our kids to take care of their own messes.  I can't believe the amount of papers these kids bring home from school....  worksheet after worksheet after worksheet...... 

Have you sent your name to the people who will get your name off of mailing lists?  If you get a lot of catalogs, you can call those companies to be removed from their mailing lists.  I was doing good, only getting 2 or 3 catalogs a month and then I ordered ONLINE from a new company and now I get 2 or 3 a DAY!!  So, back to calling them and saving the trees.....

Good luck to you in ridding yourself of all that emotionally draining clutter...

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  • 3 weeks later...

thank you all for the words of support and commiseration. I apologize for not acknowledging this sooner, but (of course) life has been a wacky thing.

Progress (ahem) Report:

Despite really awful roadblocks, scary events (read on) and the last minute demands of clients (28 page Custom Calendar Layout for 2006; did not get materials to work with until around December 19, the last file I needed came on December 23!!! why do they wait until the very last minute? Sigh), I have managed to:

Fill 4 Cartons with Crap and useless paper, year old unopened mail, etc from my office. Includes cleaning out most of my files and my technical reference bookcase, which had become a repository for a bunch of junk.

Sort remaining materials and put about half of it away in a proper place.

Throw out three cartons of outdated catalogs (I stopped selling a year ago and have not needed them all this time).

Manage all xmas shoipping by December 23, got cards and packages and Calendar files out in mail by December 23.

Get to the gym at least once a week.

(some other small crap here and there -  a long way to go. Baby steps.)

Impose the six month marriage improvement timeline.

This one was so hard on so many levels, and did not play out nearly as I had hoped/planned. I had wanted to wait longer, but circumstances evolved such that I could not.

Today I will tell the front end of that story, soon the rest:

My husband went to the ER at 7am December 24. He was experiencing Atrial Fibrillation. They did not manage to control it, as his blood pressure was too low to give him any medication to help, so he was admitted overnight through Xmas day 5pm.

I was a rough couple of days. He woke me up early on the 24th, saying his heart was racing and wanted to know what he should do. I was still groggy, my daughter still asleep - and he has a history of panic attacks, so I did not jump right up, but instead said: "Go to the ER now. Call as soon as you know something."

We had planned to leave that day around 1:00 or 2:00 to head down to the coast to spend the holidays with family there. I was actually pretty sure that it was just another panic attack - but he called at around 10:30am to say they were planning to admit him and asked me to please come. I woke my daughter, and explained that Dad's heartbeat was irregular, that he's NOT having a heart attack, but might have to stay until they can figure it out (very hard to tell my 11 year old), told her that if she was scared it would be right and normal, but to keep it under wraps when we saw Dad so we could keep his stress low and help his heartbeat, but to let it all hang out with me as much as she needed to (even harder to ask a child to do). so H and I quickly got dressed, stopped at the Starbucks so I could function, and got to the ER in 10 minutes.

(H (daughter) was a seriously awesome trooper throughout this, by the way - props, endless, for her. She is the light of my life - Strong, brave, smart, kind and beautiful).

We stayed for a couple of hours with him there, and of course he WAS panicking on top of everything else. He unfortunately carries a strong and almost paralyzing fear of death, always has, so he was definitely having a hard time.

While H and I were there for that period, he started intimating that his predicament was my doing - he kept saying: You need to cooperate with me so I won't go through this. Promise me you'll just cooperate with me. No dissenting opinions, no arguing, no "lawyering (which is what he calls it when I attempt to negotiate my preference or state my needs)...just cooperate with me"

I did not know how to respond to this, becasue I, myself, have felt a complete lack of cooperation and support for many years now - and I did not know what he was really asking for. Silent compliance with whatever he thinks is right? Can't do that - I am a human being and have my own (reasonable) needs and preferences. Plus he was almost yelling this at me in front of our daughter. I felt so trapped.

So I said " Let's talk about this later. Right now you need to relax as much as possible, and get your heart under control. Nothing else matter right now. We need to get you better. We love you and we'll do whatever we can to help."

This made him fairly angry. I was in tears at the retribution, he acted like I was trying to kill him, but I did not argue. I sucked it up, went out for a smoke, and came back, acting a loving as possible.

After a while, I realized I had to go make some calls to change plans, and most importantly, get my daughter out of the situation and someplace where she could relax. I went outside to the car and called my folks at the beach from the cell phone, simply to say we weren't coming and to tell them what was going on. My daughter was with me outside, very upset, and I realized I had to to something for her and quick. I asked if she wanted to go ashead and go to the beach to be with the rest of the family, if I could arrange it, and she said yes. I went back in, explained to my husband what I needed to do... then H and I went home for a little bit.

Called my brother and his wife, arranged for them to meet me at the halfway point to pick up H's and everyone's gifts. then packed it all up quickly, and another suitcase full of our own family gifts - then we went back to have 15 minute family Christmas in the ER, right before they moved him to a room.

Met my sister in law an hour and a half down the road, dropped my girl and came back to the hospital, going home after a while for some pillows and a change of clothes so I could stay the night.

The next day, I went home for a bit to call his family and mine with updates, let the cat out etc,. I then made a kind of executive over-his-head decision: I contacted his best friend, another producer/musician, and asked if he would call N to just yak about their usual stuff, as I felt it would help N relax a bit. J did me one better and just went there to see him.

When I got basck to the hospital, I learned that five minutes after J showed up, N's heart rate normalized. I hadda feeling... After J left, I asked N "did I do the right thig?" "Oh yes.", he said. "Would you have wanted me to call him if I had asked you about it first?" "Probably not." Are you glad I did?" Definitely. you really do know what I need, don't you?". "A lot of the time", I said.

They let him go about 5pm. We picked up his prescription, I packed us and the cat up, and we went on down to the coast after all.

All was quiet and nice until Monday night....

(to be continued - must get back to repairing)

pigs

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My husband went to the ER at 7am December 24. He was experiencing Atrial Fibrillation. They did not manage to control it, as his blood pressure was too low to give him any medication to help, so he was admitted overnight through Xmas day 5pm.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm sorry your holiday got kind of screwd up and that your H is having heart trouble.  My SIL has AF and this week is going to a cardiologist to schedule an appt to have her heart shocked (in a special way for a-fib).  Stress makes her worse, for certain, and with 5 kids, two of them 1yo twin girls, she can't afford to be ill.  AF won't (usually) kill you, but it will make you feel like shit.  I hope your hubby gets straightened out.

Congratulations on all the work you've gotten done since your last post!  You are way more ambitious than I.  How are the ADD meds working (I hope I'm remembering correctly) 

Last night when I was showering, the song, A Few Small Repairs, kept going through my head and I was thinking about you.... and now today you posted an update!  Isn't that spooky??

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All was quiet and nice until Monday night....

(to be continued - must get back to repairing)

pigs

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Pigs,

You have my respect and admiration for these reasons:

1. You are a terrific mother,

2. You are dealing with an incredibly difficult and frustrating situation with someone you love very much and you're hanging in, but setting appropriate limits,

3. You like Shawn Colvin AND, if that's your pic in your avatar, you remind me of Patti Smith <bows>.

Remember that famous photo of her in combat boots and a beater tshirt with her arms over her head and her pits all hairy?

After Bradley died, Gone Again was all my senses could handle. Now I'm back to my usual mentally insane ecclectic range of musica. I love Shawn Colvin, but don't listen to her much lately. I thought her first 2 discs were best. "Shot Gun Down the Avalanche", "Stranded", oh please break my heart!

Anyway, it sounds like you have a good plan in place. It's inspiring. I have to help number one son do his FAFSA application today--excrutiating. But we live in poverty, so Uncle Sam has to pay.

Anyhoo, rock on!

Suze

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Oh p'flying

what a trial

what a great balancing act you did under the most trying circumstances

Your daughter is very lucky to have you

Hoping you can take time for you and her more often she sounds like such a gem!

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props to you for not caving in to husband's demand for 'cooperation' AND for not getting into an argument (on top of taking care of your daughter).

*ahem* he obviously wasn't in his right mind having panic attacks in the ER, so *i* think you are justified in not agreeing to irrational demands. *ahem hem* *trying to come up with excuses why agreeing isn't the right thing to do*

of course, we all know that giving in to him WON'T FIX A DAMN THING!!!!  it won't fix him, it won't fix his problems, it won't fix his approach to problems. so stick to your guns....he has to help him, not put it all on you.

highfive to you!  you have BALLS, woman.

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Thank you all so much...I really needed this and you folks came through.

I thnk I haven't known how much I needed it, because I just burst into tears reading your posts. Clue Phone Ringing!

I can't thank you enough.

More later - an some specific replies, when I'm more composed.

pigs

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Progress Report

Made it to the gym again. Hope to go again today (good stress relief and I think helps the Adderall work even better).

Bought an inexpensive planner, have actually made all important/relevant entries so far!!! (For January, anyway - good enough for now).

Swapped out the mostly broken/barely functioning printer with the new one that has been sitting, unopened, on the trunk/ table behind me since August.

Scheduled an appointment with personal Tdoc, whom I haven't seen in over three years (therapy $ have gone toward hubby's Tdoc and some Joint Tdoc), as the shit is about the hit the fan (read on).

Written two apology/explanation letters re: the mess and unreliability that has been me for a year, now that I know why and can explain.

Made one verbal apology (same as) because the person happened to call me before I could get to it to remind me of an unsubmitted invoice for 150.00 that I should have sent MONTHS ago (such a sweetheart; she's been looking out for me -making sure I get paid).

    *I think these are really the only ones I need to do - all three important. Did one a week after I started Adderall, then thought I'd better wait and see if it was really going to keep working befor the others...

Billed all my art jobs as they have been completed this week and last (thank god it's a slow month, so I can get used to it - still feel sort of nervous - like the Adderall will stop working and I won't get anything done again).

Went to the Grocery Store on Monday night - and wisely bought only things that are easy and quick to prepare. Baby Steps.

Actually cooked a little last night (Frozen Noodle/Shrimp/Bok Choy and Chicken Egg Rolls) - AND put the dishes in the dishwasher within an hour, plus the hand-washing of the wok and cookie sheet. CRIPES!!!

Have not made so much more progress on my office, except in lttle ways, but it is tolerable and I hope to chip away ait a little more as I get caught op on some other things. Tonight or today I hope to pay the bills - only a couple of days off schedule.

Scariness Update The "Rest of the Story" may have to wait - I'm getting a little flummoxed, here, by some new developments):

My husband, who has been becoming increasingly difficult over the last several months (years he's been difficult, but a noticable upswing has been occuring), says to me yesterday:

"I feel exactly like I did when we were separated (five years ago, for one year)"

All of a sudden, the math came easy. I've been missing something SO important, being caught up in trying to solve my own problems despite his "difficulty".

My heart dropped to my feet and my blood ran cold (as it is doing at this very moment). At that time, he had a yearlong psychotic episode (in and out, it seems - but mostly in, especially if he was communicating with me or alone). Abruptly left and hooked up with someone else, but repeatedly/alternately stalked, harrased, intimidated, cried, begged for help, threatened suicide, etc...on and on. Eventually, after refusing for a time, he did seek help and realized he was pretty off in his thinknig/behavior/actions. So worried had I been, that when he approached me to come home, I agreed immediately, even though I had "moved on" and had recently been (half-heartedly) dating a little.

He was never physically violent, except to wrestle to phone away from me as I tried to call the cops when he wouldn't leave and I'd had enough of the screaming I didn't realize what was wrong with him, I only thought "I don't know this man - how could he HATE me with such venom yet not leave me alone?".

(I will say that he was aways good to our daughter in that time (calling nightly and having almost all of his alternate weekend visitations) with the exception of allowing contact with the other woman (too soon, but even "normal" people indulge in that bullshit of not letting their children heal and adjust. In fairness, he did stop when I was admant about the harm he was potentiaslly causing her. He also, eventually, did pay reasonable child support without involving the courts).

When he told me yesterday, a few minutes before I managed the arithmetic, he told me that he was getting extremely stressed and his heart was acting funny (fluttering) over stuff like filling in his billable time sheets (he's a CAD Designer for a Civil Engineering Firm, by day). I managed at that point to convince him to let me make an appointment with the Pdoc for him - saying that he REALLY needed to get SOMETHING to help, if it was so bad that billable hours were messing with his heart - and he caved.

A little later, it dawned on me what all this means. I see some repeats:

The increase in paranoia and hostility, and not just with me. for example, he thought that my daughter's friend's mother deliberately introduced him by the wrong name, even though they barely know each other (even though she got it right later), and that she was patronizing him when he took my daughter to her daughter's ballet recital and she said: "I didn't know you liked this sort of thing". He's very into classical music and assumed she was making fun of his masculinity, as she is married to a Monday Night Football kind of guy. He ranted at me for suggeesting otherwise.

Playing games with money. He started a couple of months ago, despite the fact that I am the bill payer/money manager (he has never participated, even when I was deep in the fog of stupidity and begging for help), hoarding his checks in his personal acoount instead of the joint account, informing me that he had changed his password so I couldn't even look at it (we have always shared all such information, at least during normal times). He did something similar right before he (seemingly abrubtly, but now I see it differently) went nuts/left/etc. five years ago.

Honest to God, I am scared out of my wits right now. Last night I had the first anxiety attack I've had in a few years, still feeling it today.

I did get him to agree to let me make an appointment for him with the Pdoc, although I haven't said anything about the similar trends (I think his paranoia would keep him from following up if I did).

That was such a hard peirod for me. I don't know if I can make it through it again. I suffered from acute and post-traumatic stress symptoms for (combined) around two years. Eventually, the physical reactions to triggers went away, and not long after that the emotional triggers died down, too.

But it was horrrible and heartbreaking (I do love him so very much - and I don't want him to suffer this, either) and exhausting and soul-killing.

X your fingers for me.

I will keep plugging away, try to stay level and on-track, and hope to god we can head this opff at the pass - or better yet, find that it isn't what I think it is.

Last night, I needed to get out for a bit. I went down to a little store nearby

(not much of a shopper but couldn't think of anything else to do). I ended up buying something that seems realy relevant and an important visual reminder:

It is a sculpture, based on a portion of a DaVinci drawing. It is two hands, clasped firmly up to the wrist. they are set at an agle, as if one hand is lifting the other.

The origin of the handshake is a show of the absence of weopons: We are not enemies.

Now the handshake represents haospitality, friendliness, welcome - and in this presentaion, help and assistance.

I need to look at this often.

pigs - who is awfully sorry for the mess o' typos, repeats and other bad writing, but is to unnerved to do better right now, and who thanks you in advance for your kind thoughts

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PAF,

You have done very well to set all this down. I must also commend you for the clear, logical and level headed way that you are thinking this through. 

What seems encouraging to me is that your husband is now able to recognize the beginnings of his psychotic symptoms, and admit to you his distress. That is no small accomplishment. Also his willingness to agree to see the Pdoc (granted with arm twisting) is again a positive note. Hopefully this reflects the beginning of his accepting his illness and cooperation in treatment.

I've been up all night and am running out of steam..

Best,

A.M.

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Progress Report

Made it to the gym again. Hope to go again today (good stress relief and I think helps the Adderall work even better).

Bought an inexpensive planner, have actually made all important/relevant entries so far!!! (For January, anyway - good enough for now).

Swapped out the mostly broken/barely functioning printer with the new one that has been sitting, unopened, on the trunk/ table behind me since August.

Scheduled an appointment with personal Tdoc, whom I haven't seen in over three years (therapy $ have gone toward hubby's Tdoc and some Joint Tdoc), as the shit is about the hit the fan (read on).

Written two apology/explanation letters re: the mess and unreliability that has been me for a year, now that I know why and can explain.

Made one verbal apology (same as) because the person happened to call me before I could get to it to remind me of an unsubmitted invoice for 150.00 that I should have sent MONTHS ago (such a sweetheart; she's been looking out for me -making sure I get paid).

    *I think these are really the only ones I need to do - all three important. Did one a week after I started Adderall, then thought I'd better wait and see if it was really going to keep working befor the others...

Billed all my art jobs as they have been completed this week and last (thank god it's a slow month, so I can get used to it - still feel sort of nervous - like the Adderall will stop working and I won't get anything done again).

Went to the Grocery Store on Monday night - and wisely bought only things that are easy and quick to prepare. Baby Steps.

Actually cooked a little last night (Frozen Noodle/Shrimp/Bok Choy and Chicken Egg Rolls) - AND put the dishes in the dishwasher within an hour, plus the hand-washing of the wok and cookie sheet. CRIPES!!!

Have not made so much more progress on my office, except in lttle ways, but it is tolerable and I hope to chip away ait a little more as I get caught op on some other things. Tonight or today I hope to pay the bills - only a couple of days off schedule.

Scariness Update The "Rest of the Story" may have to wait - I'm getting a little flummoxed, here, by some new developments):

My husband, who has been becoming increasingly difficult over the last several months (years he's been difficult, but a noticable upswing has been occuring), says to me yesterday:

"I feel exactly like I did when we were separated (five years ago, for one year)"

All of a sudden, the math came easy. I've been missing something SO important, being caught up in trying to solve my own problems despite his "difficulty".

My heart dropped to my feet and my blood ran cold (as it is doing at this very moment). At that time, he had a yearlong psychotic episode (in and out, it seems - but mostly in, especially if he was communicating with me or alone). Abruptly left and hooked up with someone else, but repeatedly/alternately stalked, harrased, intimidated, cried, begged for help, threatened suicide, etc...on and on. Eventually, after refusing for a time, he did seek help and realized he was pretty off in his thinknig/behavior/actions. So worried had I been, that when he approached me to come home, I agreed immediately, even though I had "moved on" and had recently been (half-heartedly) dating a little.

He was never physically violent, except to wrestle to phone away from me as I tried to call the cops when he wouldn't leave and I'd had enough of the screaming I didn't realize what was wrong with him, I only thought "I don't know this man - how could he HATE me with such venom yet not leave me alone?".

(I will say that he was aways good to our daughter in that time (calling nightly and having almost all of his alternate weekend visitations) with the exception of allowing contact with the other woman (too soon, but even "normal" people indulge in that bullshit of not letting their children heal and adjust. In fairness, he did stop when I was admant about the harm he was potentiaslly causing her. He also, eventually, did pay reasonable child support without involving the courts).

When he told me yesterday, a few minutes before I managed the arithmetic, he told me that he was getting extremely stressed and his heart was acting funny (fluttering) over stuff like filling in his billable time sheets (he's a CAD Designer for a Civil Engineering Firm, by day). I managed at that point to convince him to let me make an appointment with the Pdoc for him - saying that he REALLY needed to get SOMETHING to help, if it was so bad that billable hours were messing with his heart - and he caved.

A little later, it dawned on me what all this means. I see some repeats:

The increase in paranoia and hostility, and not just with me. for example, he thought that my daughter's friend's mother deliberately introduced him by the wrong name, even though they barely know each other (even though she got it right later), and that she was patronizing him when he took my daughter to her daughter's ballet recital and she said: "I didn't know you liked this sort of thing". He's very into classical music and assumed she was making fun of his masculinity, as she is married to a Monday Night Football kind of guy. He ranted at me for suggeesting otherwise.

Playing games with money. He started a couple of months ago, despite the fact that I am the bill payer/money manager (he has never participated, even when I was deep in the fog of stupidity and begging for help), hoarding his checks in his personal acoount instead of the joint account, informing me that he had changed his password so I couldn't even look at it (we have always shared all such information, at least during normal times). He did something similar right before he (seemingly abrubtly, but now I see it differently) went nuts/left/etc. five years ago.

Honest to God, I am scared out of my wits right now. Last night I had the first anxiety attack I've had in a few years, still feeling it today.

I did get him to agree to let me make an appointment for him with the Pdoc, although I haven't said anything about the similar trends (I think his paranoia would keep him from following up if I did).

That was such a hard peirod for me. I don't know if I can make it through it again. I suffered from acute and post-traumatic stress symptoms for (combined) around two years. Eventually, the physical reactions to triggers went away, and not long after that the emotional triggers died down, too.

But it was horrrible and heartbreaking (I do love him so very much - and I don't want him to suffer this, either) and exhausting and soul-killing.

X your fingers for me.

I will keep plugging away, try to stay level and on-track, and hope to god we can head this opff at the pass - or better yet, find that it isn't what I think it is.

Last night, I needed to get out for a bit. I went down to a little store nearby

(not much of a shopper but couldn't think of anything else to do). I ended up buying something that seems realy relevant and an important visual reminder:

It is a sculpture, based on a portion of a DaVinci drawing. It is two hands, clasped firmly up to the wrist. they are set at an agle, as if one hand is lifting the other.

The origin of the handshake is a show of the absence of weopons: We are not enemies.

Now the handshake represents haospitality, friendliness, welcome - and in this presentaion, help and assistance.

I need to look at this often.

pigs - who is awfully sorry for the mess o' typos, repeats and other bad writing, but is to unnerved to do better right now, and who thanks you in advance for your kind thoughts

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Pigs,

Wow. Believe it or not, I can keep up and relate to a lot. Your hubby sounds like my love child's father. Especially the violence (and verbal abuse is violence) right up to the point of physical violence (he even did the same thing, ripped the phone out of the wall, but then he threw it at me while I was holding my then baby (10 years ago) so I guess it did cross over to physical violence, no matter, he was non-compliant psycho. Still is. But never with Evan. Just me. I've often said to him, "why do you hate me so much?" Eh

Your list of accomplishments definitely sounds like the adderal is working. It could also be partially exacerbating to stressful situations (refering to your anxiety attack hangover, but if it's fairly transient and you just started the Adderal, I wouldn't worry about it at this point, since you are getting what seems to be a very desired effect from the stim.). Don't get discouraged if you don't have a list like that every day, like you said, "baby steps." I would add, "to the elevator."  :) I got a day planner too, I just keep forgetting where it is.

I'm glad you bought yourself a little something. DaVinci was one strange duck. I think I know the sculpture you're talking about. The original technical illustrator, I guess. My dead husband (cancer) was a technical illustrator at one point. Very cool art form.

Keep taking care of bidness gf, sounds like you're getting your power back and (most importantly) harnessing it in ways that are productive and supportive of your family.

I will keep my fingers X and pray goddess send a little extra healing energy to hubby, so he gets his head and heart right, and to you for continued clarity and also peace.

Keep posting. Fuck editing...life is about art, not proper writing skills. Typos, misspelled words, bad grammar, who really gives a shit in this context? Fuck anyone who judges you for such transgressions. Off with their heads. Besides, the fact that I think you write beautifully and quite properly, getting this out of you and into CB frees up your creative energy to do what must be done. Not that I'm part of the grammar police, because obviously I'm not! My favorite is the "run on sentence" and the "missuse of commas". Sometimes I do those on purpose... ;)

Hang in and stay strong! You're doing it!

Suze

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What seems encouraging to me is that your husband is now able to recognize the beginnings of his psychotic symptoms, and admit to you his distress.
If only that were/is true. He has not said as much, the intimation is more that I am causing all his distress (as he perceived it at the time, even when I accepted his decision/got out of his way and gave him a wide berth). but at least, what with the heart stuff, he recognizes that he needs SOMETHING to get him under control. Maybe he will be "steered" appropriately by the Pdoc (he has a habit of dismissing docs whom he feels are not gettign it right or picking on him, so it could be delicate going, indeed - we had a couple of false starts with the joint tdoc that way, and it ultimately did little good anyway) - and hopefully there will be no contraindications with the heart medication/condition if he accepts a suggestion.

I will keep my fingers X and pray goddess send a little extra healing energy to hubby, so he gets his head and heart right, and to you for continued clarity and also peace.

thank you, thank you - and for suggesting Goddess, instead, as well. As an agnostic, I still use "hope to God" and such as a synonym for strongest wishing - but your turn helps me remember to tap the Goddess within. I think I left her somewhere around here...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You know, despite the fact that I've experienced a handful of crises here and there since joining this board (before the move), I've never posted about any of them while they were active - and some not at all. I've tended to write a bit about meds, otherwise about my experiences in historic terms in relationship/response to the posts of others, with the exception of whining about my Dx a few weeks ago. Don't know why, guess I felt a need to tough it out on my own - and maybe my ego didn't want anyone to see me weakened and scared and vulnerable. Maybe it was just easier to focus on the trials that others were going through.

But I'm really glad I've started to post while in immediate situations - all of your feedback has been so helpful and has helped shore me up immeasurably.

Rather late for this kind of life lesson, but never too late.

grateful pigs

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For what it's worth spelling need not be perfect, as there's no guarantee people will read quite what

you wrote. For example,

More later - an some specific replies, when I'm more composed.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

First appeared to me as "... when I'm more composted."  and that's probably not what you meant.

Well, this being the ADHD board and not the Depression board it probably isn't anyway.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Yow. Pigs, sounds like you are quite strong! Hope by now that things have settled down a bit or that at least hubby is in some kind of treatment.

As it happens, I am a guy who messes with CAD who has had a few atrial fib episodes. It's not the end of the world, but the first time or two, it does mess with your head. Nothing like sitting in the passenger seat trying to convince s.o. that I'm not going to die if we get to the ER a couple of minutes later, but we might not get there at all if we keep going the current speed.....

Have also had my s.o. (now ex, but that's a long story) dismiss couples counsellor for being too much on my side. Fun, isn't it?

However, I have nothing useful to say about dealing with someone with psychotic symptoms except to say that I'm impressed with how you've reacted.

Hoping for composure or compost. (Well, for you, just compusure unless you have a little plot of tomatoes out back...)

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thanks, ldo (and all) - Glad to see you!

Yes, thank you - things have calmed down a bit. And not.

DH is now on zoloft and seems to be doing better. His own panic finally did him in, I guess, and even though he was refusing to try meds for a long time it seems he finally reached his limit and HAD to.

I got him to stop the $ games and what not a while back, too.

Stress test was iffy, though - there are several bits of evidence that all point to arterial blockage (albeit none severe, just three or more indicators) and slight evidence of a possible previous heart attack (indeterminate), so he'll be having a catheterization procedure Feb 8. X your fingers for him. And me.

Mad as I get, with pretty good reason, I would rather kick his ass to the curb  healthy and fully capable of wrath than to part with him by death. It has all made me think about "What will our last words be? The shape of us at then end?".

I do love him and I could not be unstuck with a crowbar right now.

PROGRESS REPORT:

Fits and starts on the abode, but better, little by little. Busy with the work; absent lots lately from CB due to trying to get projects under control and grow the business. Also fits and starts but better.

Today I took a break from tedium had some fun with it all:

Daughter is all teen-angsty and about to be 12. She loves this, though - and gets it (after an initial ragey-thing). Now she wants to make a movie to go with it. She thinks it can start with a zit gone bad...she's a funny girl; I likes her.

.......................

thanks for asking. I didn't add because I think I get mighty sick of my drama - and usually quickly. Nice to know I can come here and rant when I need to, though, among friends.

Grateful Pigs

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