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i've just determined that none of this has any point. life, thinking, death...its all the same thing. i really feel no different being alive than i would if i was dead, i think. i'm just so sick of living, of feeling the way i do. all depressed and misunderstood and alone. i'm so much better off by myself, then people cant see how ugly i am, both inside and out. i wish i was dead, really, sometimes.

i'm just completely bipolar today. i've got the crazies.

- hannah

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i've just determined that none of this has any point. life, thinking, death...its all the same thing. i really feel no different being alive than i would if i was dead, i think.

- hannah

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have that thought almost every single day. Life has......no point whatsoever. Why put up with all this shit- why even try??? We are all going to be dead someday anyways.

I feel this ALL the time. I am sure almost everyone here can relate to you in some way or another.

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hannah,

(i love your name by the way) that feeling that you want to kill yourself, or just not be anymore. you know this, but it is a mental illness affecting your thoughts. i know i'm not telling you anything you don't know, but how you react to these thoughts affects the rest of your life.

your meds are not working for you. please read that sentence 47 times. and then seven more. i mean it. you are having thoughts that if acted upon would end your life. these are not healthy thoughts. you need talk therapy. and you need proper medical therapy.

and you need support. that you can find from me anytime you ask.

take care,

grouse.

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i really feel no different being alive than i would if i was dead

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have often felt all the things you described, except for the above quote.  You do feel different being alive in that you can feel.  When you are dead, not so much.  That is why I am not dead today.  I want to feel and I want to be alive.  Sometimes, okay a lot of the time, it isn't a lot of fun, but at least I get to continue feeling something.  I don't think you sincerely want to die.  You want to stop feeling what you are feeling.  Two different things.  It may seem hopeless at this point, but I and many others here are living proof that you can survive this pain and even feel some joy every once and awhile.

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to be honest, synthetic...i really feel that none of us are in a position to comment on what death is like, since we're all still obviously living. i personally try to tell myself that death is just this huge flip side to life, and that there might be something worth checking out. i know that sounds crazy written down, but somehow i'm just curious about death, i guess. maybe i don't wish i was dead, but i am pretty fucking sick of living right now. i just feel negative things all day long, and think unkind thoughts about myself. i'm just a little ball of hate and frustration right now. i'm so ugly.

- hannah

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hey hannah,

i agree with what crazychic said... i, too, feel this way... a lot. 

I haven't been posting all that much (and when i do, i tend to make little sense).... one of the reasons is that i have been... well.... not in a great place at the moment. 

it is hard to admit to yourself that it s the disease that is causing these negative thoughts to arise and to worsen.  I know i very often cannot find myself able to let myself make sense of it when i am feeling so low.

keep writing and let us know how you are doing.  and if u ever need anything, dont hesitate to PM me....

write it out, talk it out....

xo

Ophelia 

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Dear, you and I are so in the same boat at the moment. I went to the tdoc and pdoc (I kid you not, same day and everything...well...ok, it was an ice storm, and I drove the damn thing because I needed help that badly). They both said I wasn't right, and they added Wellbutrin Xl to my mix. It hasn't really done anything, but I'm only on day two. But knowing that I'm going to get better, or atleast not get worse and want to go and do bad things to myself has helped tremendously.

Please give your pdoc a call and try to make an appt, and if you can't make an appt, maybe you could hit up the ER and tell them that you need help.

On your boat waving from the other side,

Berelain

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okay, now i'm back. i thought these feelings had gone away, i thought i was washed of it, at least for now. but i'm back to being my old, sad, self-pitying self. i have almost no friends, and i can't seem to make new ones. i don't know what it is. i just seem to drive people away. if only i had strong, close group of friends i could talk to, i might not feel this way so often. if only...

anybody out there?

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hey sweets...

i don't really know ya BUT i have been following your threads....n i was one of the people ta welcome ya when you first posted your newbie thread...that being said...

i know you've been having some fucked up situations with so called real life friends...but from what i've read YOU ARE A VERY CARING  N  A GOOD PERSON !!!!  and for you ta deprive other people in the FUTURE of meeting you in your life journeys.... REALLY  SUCKS!!!    ;) YOU HAVE MANY MORE PEOPLE TA MEET !!!

SO P.M. ME IF YOUY NEED SOMEONE TA TALK TA!!! i'm usaually on n off line from 6a.m. ta 7 p.m. wa. us. time!!!

good thoughts always ta ya!!!

flutterfly xo

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Hannah,

All my life I've only never really had a bunch of close friends. I have a REALLY hard time making friends. When DH and I moved to a new town, I tried everything to make friends- neighbors, work, hell even the cashiers at the grocery store, but it seemed like everythign I did was to no avail.

I remember reading some of your earlier posts, and you got put in a really crappy position by someone who was supposed to be your friend, ugh, I hate that shit. It happens to me all the time (but on a much smaller, but more frequent scale).

Have you been able to talk to a tdoc or a pdoc? It could be possible that you need an increase in one of your medications, or maybe one of your medications decided to not work anymore. (Again, this is assuming you're on medication. I think I'm too quick to assume that everyone is, I don't mean to, just seems to have become habit, not trying to be rude or anything.)

I briefly recall (I think, bad memory) that you were or are a smoker of the herbal goodness. If you're still doing that, it'll smooth out the ride short term, but make you feel shittier long term. (And if you don't smoke, then shit, ignore all that.)

Can you talk to any of the students in your classes? Maybe just see if they want to catch a coffee (or tea, or pizza, whatever you're into) with you after class? Ah hell, it's probably your holiday break. Hmm...Maybe you could try emailing someone from one of your classes and see if you could get together. Do you have any acquaintances you would feel comfortable calling? Or maybe there's a support group in your area that you can go to and meet people that way. Oh, or maybe you could get a temp job over the holiday and meet people that way (they always need gift wrappers, especially this time of year!).

And if nothing else, you have friends and a support group online. People who have been there and done that, and then did it again. (It's like going on a roller coaster...over and over...)

Now all that probably sounds like I'm talking out of my ass, and I'm not that great with responding, but not for lack of trying (I get into moods where I just don't have the energy to read, and then I'll respond to about twenty thousand different things in one day).

Please take care of yourself and let us know how things are working out for you.

Best wishes,

Berelain

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  • 2 weeks later...

just totally consumed by apathy. i dont give a shit what happens to me anymore. i tried explaining this to my mom last night, but she doesn't get it. i dont give a fuck anymore. theres no point fighting all this shit going on in my head, because i can't beat it. theres no winning. i'm done.

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